Q7: Family Calm at Christmas – Is it Possible?

With an extra supplement especially for parents!

What makes for a happy Christmas? At a time when friends and family mean so much, our communication is no doubt an essential ingredient. Whether we’re at an office party or a family gathering, celebrations are not without their pressures. Like that glass of Christmas punch, our feelings may be hotter, spicier and more potent than usual. It’s no surprise when stresses bubble up and affect our interactions. In those tricky moments, what can we do to stay calm?

In our last blog, a reader asked about how to handle things in the heat of the moment, when we find ourselves ‘losing our rag’.  In this article, we look at ways to support you in finding seasonal peace...

Heat-of-the-moment recipe for Seasonal Peace!

•   Pause when you’re under stress

•   Explore your feelings to find the underlying ‘No!’ or ‘Not alright!’

•   Allow whatever feelings you have right now; they carry important messages

•   Create space to find what has gone missing for you

•   Explore your own needs and wishes – so your deeper resources can respond

Read on for more …

‘Losing our rag’

There are times when we deeply wish to be loving and kind, and yet something else happens. Despite our best intentions, something makes us lash out at our nearest and dearest. But why do we do this? What prompts our irritable comments, or those underhand, snide asides? And how can we avoid the bitter aftertaste of guilt or regret? There are pertinent questions at any time of year.

‘Feelings are Friends’

It’s easy to criticise ourselves for letting our emotions get the upper hand. But feelings (even ‘difficult’ ones) hold important information. They give us extraordinarily subtle and skilful feedback. They show us how we’re affected by what goes on around us. In complex, many-layered ways, feelings like irritation, frustration or anger express a baseline message: ‘No!’, ‘This is not okay!’, ‘This is not all right!’.

Taking note of this baseline response is helpful. If we stay caught up, stressed and entangled by our feelings, we miss their useful message. Feelings are there for a reason, and it’s always worth listening to them. So the first step is to see what the ‘No!’ is all about. Pause! Take time out from the immediate situation (even a couple of seconds, as you breathe deeply), and ask:

What are my feelings telling me?

What has gone missing for me right now?

What is it I need?

Old situations, new approaches

When we pause in this way, we do something revolutionary. We redirect our attention away from what has gone wrong ‘out there’, and back into our own responses. This allows our deeper resources to come to our aid.

‘Difficult’ feelings are telling us what we don’t want. But we also have an inbuilt sense of how far we are from feeling fine; somewhere within us, we know what fine would be like. If we pause and listen, we clear a space for this newer understanding to emerge. Our deeper resources hold what we need to live freely and happily this very moment.

“But losing my temper is so tempting!”

So why is it so much easier to lose our temper, than to pause? It’s because we want to get a vital message across – and we’re at our wits’ end how else to do it! ‘Difficult’ feelings are difficult for a reason. Like flashing lights on a dashboard, or fireworks at a party, they grab people’s attention. With uncanny precision, we target our sharp comments to land in the most sensitive places; we do very thing to provoke a reaction. Why? Because that’s how we get noticed!

The inner logic of feelings

It’s like this: If you prod me, I prod you back. In the heat of the moment, I want you to feel what I feel – the same degree of hurt or frustration that you have caused in me. So I invest my words with a visceral charge designed to make you feel. Feel what? I snap, carp, niggle – at whatever level of intensity, I try to make you feel bad. In the heat of the moment, anger is designed to hurt. And if I teach you this lesson now (perhaps if I scare you badly enough), then presumably you will not make the same mistake again!

Temper – the instant messaging service

We can see how getting angry with somebody is an embattled bid for empathy. It’s a desperate attempt teach someone the consequences of their actions. Strong words and flying tempers are a truly magnificent shortcut. They send two instant messages:

1.      You discover how your words/behaviour feels for me!

2.      You learn not to do it again!

But will communication of this sort work? Will the other person really hear our instant messages for what they are? Or will they feel hurt and angry in return?

And how about us? Our temper gives clear and important messages, letting others know we suffer. But delivering them in this way can affect us too. Hurting our nearest and dearest also hurts us. We are intimately linked; empathy is a natural, inbuilt part of our relationships. This is why we can feel so guilty later for making a sharp remark. If we could get our instant messages across with friendship or love, no doubt we would. But how?

Active kindness

When difficult feelings bubble up, the first step is to find someone who can understand – someone who can empathise. Empathy gives us the human understanding and love we need to deal with a difficult situation. Empathy brings harmony.

Yet tricky moments often happen because the very people who normally love and empathise with us are the ones causing us difficulties! In these moments, we need a different magic. It means finding empathy for ourselves.

So whatever challenges you face, leave room for yourself. Remember: strong feelings hold the key. Their message is to come home to yourself. Be kind towards your own experience, your own needs. Once you allow and accept the message of strong feelings, then your deeper resources will respond naturally – with empathy for yourself, and for others too.

Heat-of-the-moment recipe for Seasonal Peace!

•   Pause when you’re under stress

•   Explore your feelings to find the underlying ‘No!’ or ‘Not alright!’

•   Allow whatever feelings you have right now; they carry important messages

•   Create space to find what has gone missing for you

•  Explore your own needs and wishes – so your deeper resources can respond

Christmas calm – Do we want perfection?

Being human is a learning curve, and perhaps arriving at perfection is not even be the point! Let’s relish the journey of our perfections and imperfections. Without the grit, no pearls...

(So if you want pearls for Christmas - here’s your chance!)

Extra supplement for parents

Is this relevant to parents?

For a busy parent, the very idea of inner resources may seem laughable. What about those very basic resources such as relaxation, free time, rest, sleep…? Never mind taking a creative pause – in the hurly-burly of childcare, it’s immediate solutions that are needed! Sorting out an upset may itself prove a miracle – let alone doing that calmly!

How Do Children Learn?

1.              Handling Tricky Moments

“Children must learn!”

How can we have a peaceful life, where fun and play come happily, without upset?

What we do is to educate. Parents naturally teach. We want our children to behave sensibly; to treat others with consideration. If they don’t learn basic rules and behaviours, we fear for their happiness and safety. We want our kids to know where they stand. That’s why parents often feel that a cross outburst, or a flash of temper, is the best shortcut. Sometimes we shout ‘for the child’s own good’.

Read the full article on ourblog...

How Do Children Learn? - Handling Tricky Moments

How Do Children Learn?

1.              Handling Tricky Moments

There are so many things we want our kids to learn in order for them to be safe and happy; to grow up accepted, respected, loved and valued – with their best qualities shining. So when children are doing something naughty, crazy or silly – how can we best teach them?

In a group of related articles, I explore nonviolent, empathic approaches to childcare:

“Children must learn!”

How can we have a peaceful life, where fun and play come happily, without upset?

What we do is to educate. Parents naturally teach. We want our children to behave sensibly; to treat others with consideration. If they don’t learn basic rules and behaviours, we fear for their happiness and safety. We want our kids to know where they stand. That’s why parents often feel that a cross outburst, or a flash of temper, is the best shortcut. Sometimes we shout ‘for the child’s own good’.

Yet temper comes more quickly when we focus on ‘right’ and ‘wrong’. We feel more justified shouting at what is ‘wrong’ – be it scratching, kicking, biting, seizing, screaming, painting on walls; you can make your own list...!

Curiously, emphasising what is wrong or bad (however strongly we may feel it as a parent) is not the best way to teach a child. Since the message that something is wrong often comes with a verbal and emotional charge, it’s very hard for a child (and most adults) to separate what they have done wrong from a sense that they are wrong or bad as a person.

So how can we teach children differently?

Parents have needs too

What do we mean when we say something is wrong? What we really mean is that our child has just provoked our own natural (often completely understandable and reasonable) response of No! Not alright! This instinctive, baseline response is our ‘instant messaging service’ telling us important needs are in jeopardy.

It can be hard for parents to accept that they have their own needs, because they come in so many shapes and sizes. Parents’ needs encompass the needs of the ‘naughty’ child (e.g. his health and safety, her future learning) and the needs of those around (e.g. other siblings). At the same time, parents are only human; they do have needs of their own. It’s important that they do. This is how a child learns that his or her behaviour affects other people:

Baby brothers need care!

Daddy is tired and needs rest!

If I scratch Mummy, she hurts!

A parent’s own needs are a crucial part of a child’s world. If parents are clear about their own needs (and the needs of others around), it enables their child to form his or her own, unique identity. In this way, our children learn that they are interactional beings, in a world of interrelation.

The best basis for change

If we want children to learn, we want them to do so because they have truly learned the effects of their actions. We don’t want anyone to ‘stop behaving badly’ for fear of being wrong – for fear of punishment. We want children to understand that other people have needs too.

So the most important thing we can teach our kids is how to meet their own needs in ways which also take other people’s needs into account. In other words, we want our children to learn the fundamental basis of all social interaction whatsoever: empathy.

Sadly, a great deal of parenting advice promotes the idea of kindly-delivered punishment as means of teaching and changing behaviour – for example, the Naughty Corner. I believe there are grave problems with these approaches. At worst, we end up teaching children to punish us! 

I’ll written more this about in my coming blog-articles: How do Children Learn? Problems with kindly-meant punishment (Coming soon!)

For both children and adults, empathy happens naturally when we feel considered, respected and valued. When our own needs are acknowledged, we can easily understand other people’s needs. So if we want our children to learn empathy, the best way is to practice and exemplify empathy ourselves.

Empathy first!

So when the next tricky moment comes along, let’s pause, however briefly. Even the tiniest gap can help. Put aside for an instant how overwhelming or urgent it feels to resolve the difficulty, and remember that empathy is the best lesson the child can have. 

Here are two golden rules:

Empathy before solutions: 

Start with empathy for yourself. This is like fixing your own lifejacket, or putting on your own oxygen mask in a plane! If you are resourced and well, you can be that for others. So make room for your own difficult feelings; be kinder towards your own unwise words and actions. As you do, you’ll feel gentler and more human. Then you can respond without any edge of temper or upset that a child may hear as punishment. You become larger and more understanding. As your empathy grows, it will spill out and encompass everyone around.

Empathy before education:

Next, empathise with your child for his or her upsets. Leave teaching aside for a while, until both of you are calmer and happier. If you want your child to learn consideration, respect and kindness, the best teacher is you! First children must know that you welcome their troubles with kindness and understanding. Only then will they trust that your firmness and clear boundaries are a welcome support, full of love and care. 

Family spirit

That’s when a happy family spirit can truly thrive in our homes. It’s not by being perfect or happy all the time – who can? – but by responding to what’s imperfect in new ways, with a spirit of kindness, empathy and love.

For more explorations of nonviolent, empathic approaches to childcare, watch out for my blog articles, coming soon!

Tip3: Prepare Yourself - Do one less thing for Christmas!

Tip:

Preparations for Christmas can be frantic - there's always so much to do. But however busy you are, remember that above all your family and friends want you for Christmas! Your attention, your qualities, your presence, your unique self...

  

Remember:

Making perfect preparations is counter-productive if it's all about what needs to be done. That's when it's harder for us to feel our lovely human qualities in ourselves. And that's when other people feel them less too. So amidst all your busy preparations, include things which prepare you as a person.

   

How to prepare Yourself?

Here are a few of my suggestions - things I'd like to remember myself! I'm sure you've got your own ideas. Why not share them? (Just click 'Comments' below.)

Create time!

• Pause between activities (creates a spacious atmosphere)
• If you have a choice between two things, do what's easier!
• Look at everything on your plate - then take one thing off!

Enjoy being!

• Engage with things that nurture you!
• Think of five wholesome activities that bring you ease and contentment - and do all five before Christmas!

 Above all!

• Remember the mince pies - but don't forget yourself!