tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-75168269683224406512024-02-19T15:12:52.084+00:00Life at WorkElizabeth English (Locana) – From Life at Workhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08514632336450423931noreply@blogger.comBlogger48125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7516826968322440651.post-52799861588474639152014-11-01T00:00:00.000+00:002014-11-01T00:00:05.761+00:00Tip 14: How to face something grim<br />
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<span style="font-size: 11pt; font-style: italic;">In my </span><strong style="font-size: 11pt; font-style: italic;"><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xL3-ShEhCMU&feature=youtu.be">Mindful Ice Bucket</a> </strong><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-style: italic;">video, I talked about how to welcome life's experience, however cold or wet it makes you. Then, the very next day, I came down with acute appendicitis. Now this certainly raised the stakes. So this month I ask: how do you welcome experience which is decidedly grim?</span></div>
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<li><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-style: italic;">Scroll down for my very own <strong><a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=7516826968322440651#thanks" linktype="web" shape="rect" style="color: blue; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none;">Hospital BFTA's</a> </strong></span><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-style: italic;"><strong><a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=7516826968322440651#thanks" linktype="web" shape="rect" style="color: blue; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none;">= 'Big Friendly Thanks Awards'!</a></strong></span><a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=7516826968322440651" name="top" shape="rect" style="font-size: 11pt; font-style: italic;"><img alt="top" src="https://imgssl.constantcontact.com/ui/images1/visualeditor/icon_anchortag.gif" title="top" /></a></li>
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<strong style="font-size: 12pt;">1. This isn't all of me!</strong></div>
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I'm lying in bed, holding my belly and groaning. It's the small hours of the morning, I'm all alone, and I don't know what's wrong. Suddenly, I'm swept by a wave of pain so intense it feels like the whole of me. At times like these, welcoming experience might seem like a daft idea. But actually, fighting it is much worse.</div>
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Saying "No" to what is happening is, of course, a logical thing to do. Who wants to be overcome by bad feelings? Whether physical or emotional, we naturally turn away from what hurts us or causes us stress.<br />
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But this 'turning away' itself creates difficulties - adding stress, anxiety and fear. So my first tip is:
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<strong><span style="color: #653080; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">2. Saying hello</span></strong></div>
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But here's the thing. When I tried to say 'hello' to my pain, it was hard to do - because I really felt as if the pain <em>was</em> all of me. How could I say hello to something that 'is me'? There was nothing (else) there to say hello <span style="text-decoration: underline;"><em>to</em></span>!</div>
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So I did something new. I pictured this person - Me-with-my-pain - and wondered what she was like. Immediately, I saw an image of a desperately bedraggled, rag-clad wretch; she could have walked straight off the set at <em>Les Misérables</em>! </div>
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<a href="http://Émile Bayard - http://f20creativefrance.com/2014/05/19/victor-hugo-les-miserables-from-page-to-stage/" linktype="1" shape="rect" style="color: blue; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank" track="on">Émile Bayard, 1886</a></div>
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Although I knew my own plight was not so grim, the image spoke to me. From the point of view of my feelings, this is really how it felt! Now I knew what to say hello to - to that image, and all it represented. I could greet my feelings with curiosity and empathy.<br />
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My next tip, then, is to take a step back. When you do this, you become just a fraction 'bigger' than what you feel. You get a broader view by asking yourself, curiously:<br />
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<li style="color: #4c4c4c;">What's this [pain] like ...?</li>
<li style="color: #4c4c4c;">What's it 'as if' ...?</li>
<li style="color: #4c4c4c;">What is this 'me' like, who is feeling all this ...?</li>
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<strong style="color: #653080; font-size: 12pt;">The courage to be kind</strong></div>
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So groaning pitifully with my acute appendicitis, on that eventful night, I started to greet the pain. At first, this seemed counter-intuitive. It even made the pain grow stronger, because now I was really agreeing to feel it - how mad is that! <br />
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And yet, by meeting it positively, something new emerged inside me. I felt bad, but I no longer felt so bad about feeling bad ... It's as if there was an extra energy surrounding the pain; the energy of care and kindness:</div>
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<li style="color: #4c4c4c;">This is how it feels!</li>
<li style="color: #4c4c4c;">There you are!</li>
<li style="color: #4c4c4c;"><span style="color: #4c4c4c;">No wonder it feels so bad!</span></li>
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<span style="font-size: 11pt;">As soon as you say hello, you become a little separate from what hurts - and at the same time, more warmly connected with it. Your perspective starts changing. Your attitude shifts, and your feelings follow. Warm understanding seeps slowly through you. You feel sorry for yourself - but in the best way! </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 11pt;">When you greet your experience like this, empathy and compassion flow naturally. Now, even the grimmest things feel more manageable and easier to hold.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14pt;"><strong><a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=7516826968322440651" name="thanks" shape="rect"><img alt="thanks" src="https://imgssl.constantcontact.com/ui/images1/visualeditor/icon_anchortag.gif" title="thanks" /></a>Hospital BFTA's</strong></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><strong>'Big Friendly Thanks Awards'</strong></span> <br />
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<span style="color: maroon;"><em>I have worked with over 1,000 trainee doctors and consultants in the last 10 years, and witnessed their dedication behind the scenes. Now, for the first time, I see them from the other side as a hospital patient. I came away deeply touched by the care and expertise which surrounded me. It's great to have the chance to sing the praises of the NHS!</em></span><br />
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First, there was the Nuffield Road medical centre, and Dr Alderson seeing through my, "It's only something I ate, I'm sure!" I was certainly surprised to be packing my bag for the ambulance, and even more when Paul, the paramedic, began to treat me - to his personal recipe for blueberry muffins! (Tim, have you tried one yet?)<br />
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In hospital, the surgery given by Ms Anita Balakrishnan was superb; and the anaesthetists beneath Dr Sally Proctor amazingly kind and reassuring. Back in the ward, Vickie Jones and Ellie Bennett managed the team of nursing staff and assistants whose sweetness and care leaves me permanently enriched. <br />
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I may have lost an appendix, but much more has been added to my heart!<br />
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By Elizabeth English</div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;">(With thanks to Peter Kuklis)</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;"><a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=7516826968322440651#top" linktype="web" shape="rect" style="color: maroon; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none;">Back to top</a></span></div>
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Elizabeth English (Locana) – From Life at Workhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08514632336450423931noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7516826968322440651.post-18540404003180868182014-09-29T14:00:00.000+01:002014-10-06T13:37:29.446+01:00Q32: Want to change the world? (What are you doing this Thursday?)<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" id="textEdit" style="margin: 1px 0px; width: 100%px;">
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<em style="font-size: 11pt;">This Thursday, October 2nd, marks the world's seventh <a _mce_href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/International_Day_of_Non-Violence" _mce_shape="rect" _mce_style="color: #0000ff; text-decoration: none;" href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/International_Day_of_Non-Violence" linktype="1" shape="rect" style="color: rgb(0, 0, 255) !important; text-decoration: none !important;" target="_blank" track="on">International Day of Non-Violence</a>. So here's an idea:</em><br />
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<em _mce_style="font-size: 11pt; text-align: left;" style="font-size: 11pt;">Perhaps you've already taken the <a _mce_href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ice_Bucket_Challenge" _mce_shape="rect" _mce_style="font-weight: bold; color: #0000ff; text-decoration: none;" href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ice_Bucket_Challenge" linktype="1" shape="rect" style="color: rgb(0, 0, 255) !important; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none !important;" target="_blank" track="on">Ice Bucket Challenge</a></em></div>
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<em style="color: maroon; font-size: 11pt; text-align: left;">- but if not, don't worry! You don't need to get wet to change the world. (See my MINDFUL ice-bucket tips here:<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xL3-ShEhCMU" style="font-size: 11pt;">The Mindful Ice Bucket!</a><span style="font-size: 11pt;">)</span></em></div>
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<span _mce_style="color: #800000;" style="color: maroon;"><em>When one conscious person does just one significant action, the world changes. So let's ALL do one significant thing on Thursday 2nd October to support a non-violent world.</em></span></div>
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<span _mce_style="color: #800000;" style="color: maroon;"><em>This month's tip is also here on video. Please share it with as many people as possible to promote International Non-Violence Day.</em></span></div>
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<span _mce_style="font-size: 12pt;" style="font-size: 12pt;"><strong>The peaceful power of 'NO'</strong></span></div>
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<span _mce_style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;">Thursday 2nd October (Mahatma Gandhi's birthday) has been dedicated by the UN to NON-violence. It's a day to say, 'NO!' - NO to fear and pain; NO to hatred and anger. But by itself, 'NO' is not enough. NO has a positive influence in the world only when it is transformed into 'YES'.</span></div>
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<span _mce_style="color: #653080; font-size: 12pt;" style="color: #653080; font-size: 12pt;"><strong>The <em>Ouch</em>-factor</strong></span></div>
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'NO' holds huge reservoirs of energy. It works by pushing away what you don't want. Take a long look next time you're feeling at all bad - whether angry, frustrated, frightened, depressed or just mildly miffed. Deep inside those feelings, there's a totally natural, totally understandable response to anything that bothers you. At this instinctive, non-verbal level you find a more-or-less-powerful <em>UGH! </em>or <em>OUCH!</em><br />
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span _mce_style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;" style="color: black; font-size: 11pt;">Sadly, when you translate <em>'Ugh!</em>' or<em> 'Ouch!'</em> into words and actions, it easily comes across as aggression (or as 'passive-aggression', if you bottle it up). Even a small irritable <em>'No!</em>' works in the same basic way as a huge explosive 'NO!' which, at its most extreme, morphs into violence.</span></span></div>
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<span _mce_style="color: #653080; font-size: 12pt;" style="color: #653080; font-size: 12pt;"><strong>Transforming NO into YES!</strong></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span _mce_style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;" style="color: black; font-size: 11pt;">To change the world, we need to transform all that NO-energy into YES-energy. When you are fired up with all the passion and purpose of a deep YES! your words and actions affirm other people, they affirm life. This is the opposite of aggression. It never translates into violence. </span></span></div>
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<span _mce_style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;">On this <a _mce_href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/International_Day_of_Non-Violence" _mce_shape="rect" _mce_style="font-weight: bold; color: #0000ff; text-decoration: none;" href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/International_Day_of_Non-Violence" linktype="1" shape="rect" style="color: rgb(0, 0, 255) !important; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none !important;" target="_blank" track="on">International Day of Non-Violence</a> I propose we do something to transform NO into YES.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span _mce_style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;" style="color: black; font-size: 11pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Even if violence does not affect you </span><em style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">personally, </em></span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">it can still affect you as a person. Suddenly, you feel the lack of some vital quality. It may be tolerance, kindness, consideration, justice, safety .... Here's the key: </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span _mce_style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;" style="color: black; font-size: 11pt;"></span><em _mce_style="color: #4c4c4c; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;" style="color: #4c4c4c; font-size: 11pt;">If it goes missing in you, it goes missing in the world (because you are part of the world).</em><span _mce_style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;" style="color: black; font-size: 11pt;"><br /></span><br style="color: black; font-family: Times;" /><span _mce_style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;" style="color: black; font-size: 11pt;">How to bring those missing human qualities back into the world? Try asking yourself: </span></span></div>
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<li _mce_style="color: #000000;"><span _mce_style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;"><strong>WHAT bothers me?</strong></span></li>
<li _mce_style="color: #000000;"><span _mce_style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;"><strong>WHAT has gone missing?</strong></span></li>
<li _mce_style="color: #000000;"><span _mce_style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;"><strong>WHAT can I do to bring it back?</strong></span></li>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span _mce_style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;" style="color: black; font-size: 11pt;">THEN:</span></span></div>
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<li _mce_style="color: #800000;" style="color: maroon;"><span _mce_style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;"><strong>Decide what to do! </strong></span></li>
<li _mce_style="color: #800000;" style="color: maroon;"><span _mce_style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;"><strong>Do it!</strong></span></li>
<li _mce_style="color: #800000;" style="color: maroon;"><span _mce_style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; color: #800000;" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;"><strong>Nominate someone to do the same! </strong></span></li>
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<span _mce_style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;">If you wish, share what you did <a _mce_href="https://www.facebook.com/pages/Life-At-Work/132581970122624" _mce_shape="rect" _mce_style="font-weight: bold; color: #0000ff; text-decoration: none;" href="https://www.facebook.com/pages/Life-At-Work/132581970122624" linktype="1" shape="rect" style="color: rgb(0, 0, 255) !important; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none !important;" target="_blank" track="on">HERE</a>.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><br style="color: black; font-family: Times;" /><span _mce_style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;" style="color: black; font-size: 11pt;">The more of us who do this, the more the world will change.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;"><em>We say, to shine one corner of the world - that is enough. </em></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;"><em>Not the whole world - just make it clear where you are. </em></span></div>
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<span style="color: #4c4c4c; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;">Shunryu Suzuki</span></div>
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<span style="color: maroon; font-size: 14pt;"><strong>For example (for you) ...</strong></span></div>
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<span style="color: #653080;"><strong>WHAT</strong> bothers you?</span></div>
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<li style="color: black;"><span style="font-size: 11pt;"><em>A friend has criticised you unfairly.</em></span></li>
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<span style="font-size: 11pt;"><strong>WHAT</strong> has gone missing?</span></div>
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<li>Y<em>ou feel a lack of ... (say) fairness.</em> </li>
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<span style="font-size: 11pt;"><strong>WHAT</strong> can you do to bring it back?</span></div>
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<li style="color: black; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;"><span style="font-size: 11pt;"><em><span style="text-decoration: underline;"><strong>Fairness</strong></span> - Do something, say something, think something - ANYTHING - so long as it brings more fairness into the world. As you tune into fairness in this way, the human quality of fairness grows again in you too.</em></span></li>
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<li style="color: black; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;"><span style="font-size: 11pt;"><em>You might help somebody less lucky than you, speak up for somebody struggling to find their voice, give away your spare socks to people who don't have socks ... or if you habitually ignore yourself in favour of others, try giving yourself a treat instead!</em></span></li>
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<span style="color: maroon; font-size: 14pt;"><strong>For example (for the world) ...</strong></span></div>
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<span style="color: #653080;"><strong>WHAT</strong> bothers you?</span></div>
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<li><em>You hear about dreadful decapitations on the internet.</em></li>
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<span style="font-size: 11pt;"><strong>WHAT</strong> has gone missing?</span></div>
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<li style="color: black; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><em>You feel a lack of kindness or wisdom (or some other quality you value).</em></li>
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<strong>WHAT</strong> can you do to bring it back?</div>
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<li style="color: black; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;"><em><strong>Kindness or Wisdom</strong>: Do or say ANYTHING that brings these qualities to life in the world.<br /> </em></li>
<li style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;"><em>You might empathise with an 'irritating colleague' by considering their deeper needs, tell your mum you love her, do something which nourishes you, plan your day so you live it calmly and happily ... YOU decide!</em></span></li>
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<strong>Then, in true ice-bucket style, nominate a friend or colleague to do the same.</strong></div>
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Elizabeth English<br />
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The Mindful Ice Bucket Challenge!</div>
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Nonviolent Communication with Marshall Rosenberg - a Brief Introduction</div>
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<strong>More about the journey from NO to YES</strong></div>
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<em>Like many people, I'm sensitive to criticism - especially if it seems unfair; and even more if it's delivered in a self-righteous, judgemental way which tells me I'm at fault.</em></div>
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<em> 'You haven't just DONE something wrong!' my friend implies, 'You actually ARE wrong! </em><br />
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<em>Immediately, I want to get rid of this feeling of wrongness. I want to push it away. If I speak directly from my sense of 'NO!' or 'OUCH!' what will I say or do? ... Leap to my own defence! But then, however nicely I try to say it, my friend will feel attacked too. </em><br />
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<em>Yet if I can find my inner YES, my angry energy changes. It transforms into a strong, calm determination, into courage. So I take time with my feelings; and here I discover that my feelings are telling me how much I want to be seen and heard for who I am - with fairness. Now, I have found the missing quality. Now, even if I cannot resolve things straightaway with my friend, I can still increase my own inner reserves of fairness. And as I feel that quality more, I'm less likely to be knocked; more likely to find a peaceful outcome. As fairness grows in me, it grows in the world.</em><br />
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<span style="color: #4c4c4c; font-size: 11pt;"><em><span style="text-decoration: underline;">So what will I do on the International Day of Non-Violence?</span> Perhaps I'll ask a different friend to give me the delicious gift of seeing me fairly. Perhaps I will give that gift to somebody else. Perhaps I will be politically active, and search the web for ways to give disadvantaged people a voice, or I will speak up for fellow planet-dwellers who do not use words, the animals or trees .... The choices are endlessly creative. Acting on one of them, I will bring the qualities I lack back into the world, because I bring them back in me.</em></span></div>
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Elizabeth English (Locana) – From Life at Workhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08514632336450423931noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7516826968322440651.post-67411654412315840892014-09-01T11:45:00.000+01:002014-09-04T13:53:18.273+01:00Tip 13: How to carry on the holiday at work!<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" id="textEdit" style="margin: 1px 0px; width: 100%px;">
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<span style="font-size: 14pt;"><span style="font-size: 11pt;">September 2014</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: maroon; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><em><span style="font-size: 11pt;">My clever chiropractor brother says interesting things about relaxing your back when it's tight or tired - and I thought, "Well, what about tight or tired conversations?" So although your holidays may be over, here's a way to carry on relaxing - even in the middle of a stressful conversation </span><span style="font-size: 15px;">...</span><span style="font-size: 11pt;">.</span></em></span></div>
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<strong>Resting your back</strong></div>
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My chiropractor brother (<a href="http://backcareclinic.co.uk/" linktype="1" shape="rect" style="color: #004db4; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank" track="on">backcareclinic.co.uk</a>) <span style="font-size: 11pt;">says that resting your back is NOT:</span></div>
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<li style="color: black;">Staying in any one position or doing one activity for too long - even if that is lying down (and especially not slouching on the sofa!)</li>
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... Even if what you are doing does not cause you pain at the time!</div>
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<li style="color: black;">For your back, rest is ... a change of activity!</li>
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So what does this teach us about holding stressful conversations?</div>
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<strong>Resting your conversations</strong></div>
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I once worked with a team from a customer service centre whose conversations are <em>highly</em> stressed. They deal with <span style="font-size: 11pt;">applications of a particularly life-changing nature, so many of the callers are distressed, confused or angry before they even start. What's more, however difficult or abusive the call is, the advisers are only allowed thirty seconds between each one to write up the notes and, if necessary, to calm down. (One team member confessed to placing the caller on hold, while she goes off to take deep breaths in the Ladies!)</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 11pt;">More than most of us, they need a way to stay relaxed and rested <em>during</em> their conversations </span><span style="font-size: 15px;">...</span><span style="font-size: 11pt;">.</span></span></div>
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<strong>Stuck in a groove</strong></div>
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For example, one particular customer phoned the service centre for information, but then refused point-blank to be put through to the relevant department.</div>
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<em> 'I've been mucked about so many times,' </em><span style="color: black;">he raved.</span><em> 'I won't be passed from pillar to post. YOU have got to deal with this NOW!'</em></div>
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In vain did the frazzled service advisor tell him she needed to pass him on elsewhere. But however reasonably she repeated the message, he still refused to budge. </div>
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To get out of the groove - rather like resting a tired back - we looked for a change of activity. In a conversation, this really means a change of <em>direction</em>.</div>
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<strong>Changing direction </strong></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-size: 11pt;">Most conversations whizz along using the fastest tracks: WHAT and HOW.</span></div>
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<span style="text-decoration: underline;">WHAT</span>? <span style="text-decoration: underline;">HOW</span>?</div>
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<li style="color: black;">What's happening? → How will you move it forward?</li>
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<em>CALLER: <span style="color: #4c4c4c;">'</span><span style="color: #4c4c4c;">I've </span><span style="color: #4c4c4c;">been mucked about before!' → Now I want you to deal with it!!</span></em></div>
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This keeps the service advisor firmly in DOING mode:</div>
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<em>'As I've just explained, you need to speak to the team which handles this in Department XYZ - and for you to do that, I need to put you on hold for just a moment!!'</em></div>
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But her 'crazy caller' was getting worse:</div>
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<em>'<span style="color: #4c4c4c;">I said, NO! *** !!! *** ... Aren't you **!!** LISTENING?!'</span></em></div>
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This is a good time to change direction!</div>
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<em>TIP: Change direction whenever you notice that somebody is repeating themselves (it might even be you). This is because something is still missing. It's likely that the <span style="text-decoration: underline;">words</span> have been heard, but not their <span style="text-decoration: underline;">meaning</span>.</em></div>
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<strong>Changing gear</strong></div>
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To change direction, start by changing gear. You need to slow things down (don't worry, it usually speeds things up overall). </div>
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You burrow down below the surface to discover the deeper WHY? ... <em>Why does this matter? Why are you saying or doing this? </em></div>
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<span style="font-size: 11pt;">There are two deep WHY's in any dialogue: yours and mine. You need to find them both. This takes you away from DOING, and gives you a moment of pure BEING. The deeper WHY </span><span style="font-size: 11pt;">gives meaning to your words and actions. For example:</span></div>
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<em>SERVICE ADVISOR (expressing her own meaning): '<span style="color: #4c4c4c;">Well, my goal is to make sure you get a clear answer to your query as soon as possible. </span></em></div>
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And empathising with her caller:</div>
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<em>SERVICE ADVISOR (reflecting back her caller's meaning): <span style="color: #4c4c4c;">And I'd like to keep you involved as part of that process ... so you stay connected with us as we look into this ...'</span></em></div>
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<strong>Let the meaning sink in</strong></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, ' Helvetica', ' sans-serif'; font-size: 15px;">Relaxing as you talk means giving <em>extra space</em> to what you both really mean. You</span><span style="font-size: 11pt;"> give your deeper meaning time to sink in. If nothing sinks in, you live on the surface - which is stressful and tiring.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 11pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, ' Helvetica', ' sans-serif'; font-size: 15px;">Try it and see. When you </span><span style="font-size: 11pt;">express your meaning, it creates a natural pause, rather </span></span><span style="font-size: 11pt;">like a full stop. You are saying that all-important WHY. Rest with that a moment before you launch into the next paragraph full of WHAT will happen and HOW. </span></div>
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<li style="color: black; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">Find the meaning and give it space to sink in!</span></li>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Now the conversation is rich in meaning, it is full of understanding. People relax when they know they have been understood. Even an obstinate caller at the customer service centre is prepared to change direction when they finally trust they are being taken seriously.</span></div>
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<strong>Relaxing naturally</strong></div>
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<span style="font-size: 11pt;">Finding the meaning is always a relief. Your body relaxes. You probably take a deeper breath, as if you have arrived somewhere in significant ... Because this IS significant! It is what you MEAN! It may just be the tiniest pause, but it is a place you can rest.</span></div>
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What's more, the meaning always feels fresh and alive. It always comes with a good energy which moves you forward. You touch base with all the precious qualities of Being, such as clarity, kindness and understanding.</div>
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<strong style="color: maroon; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic;"><br /><span style="font-size: 11pt;">TIPS for resting in your conversations - without fazing out!</span></strong></div>
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<li style="color: maroon; font-size: 11pt; font-style: italic;"><span style="text-decoration: underline;">Don't panic if you can't find the words</span>: Your meaning forms in a wordless place, beyond or behind conscious thought. So if you struggle to put words to things, it is because your meaning is taking shape. Something important is happening! This is potentially the most creative moment in your conversation.<br /> </li>
<li style="color: maroon; font-size: 11pt;"><span style="color: maroon; font-style: italic;"><span style="text-decoration: underline;">Express your meaning</span>: Once you have found it, spell it out, e</span><span style="color: maroon; font-style: italic;">ven if it seems obvious. The real meaning of your words is always good to hear. And if you discover somebody else's meaning, let them know! People are always pleased to be understood.</span><br /> </li>
<li style="color: maroon; font-size: 11pt; font-style: italic;"><span style="text-decoration: underline;">Rest in your meaning</span>: Meaning takes a moment to sink in. Use this moment to stop talking, and breathe. It will help you both to calm down.</li>
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By Elizabeth English</div>
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Elizabeth English (Locana) – From Life at Workhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08514632336450423931noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7516826968322440651.post-15525988284629241932014-08-01T11:25:00.000+01:002014-08-01T11:29:07.379+01:00Tip 12: Useless communication – and why it’s a good thing!<div style="font-size: 11pt;">
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<span style="color: #990000; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><em style="font-size: 11pt;">This week, a journalist writing in </em><a href="http://www.theguardian.com/politics/shortcuts/2014/jul/28/ed-miliband-politics-of-empathy-means-nothing" linktype="1" shape="rect" style="font-size: 11pt; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank" track="on">The Guardian</a><span style="font-size: 11pt;"> </span><em style="font-size: 11pt;">newspaper questioned the Labour leader's 'politics of empathy', saying that it means nothing without effective policies. "I don't want a dentist who can feel my pain", says the journalist, "I want one who can remove it". In one way, I agree with him: empathy is always 'useless' - but THAT is the whole point!</em></span><br />
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Now is the time to choose your dentist! Of course you want a dentist (or a doctor) who will remedy what is wrong. But assuming they all have the same degree of skill, my guess is you would prefer somebody who cares how you feel, and genuinely wants you to get better ...?<br />
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Criticising empathy because 'by itself' it has no useful outcome is rather like criticising a phone because 'by itself' it can't hold a conversation. The phone is only the means of creating the conversation, it's not about the wacky plans you make when you finally get through.<br />
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Empathy is not all about feeling (something the journalist doesn't realise); in fact, it's mostly about understanding. When I genuinely understand your needs, I'm more likely to find the right solution for you, and you are more likely to trust me. Empathy is a means for connecting with other people, it's not the ends itself. <br />
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So my tip this month is to separate the way you connect from the outcomes you are after. In other words:<br />
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<li><strong>Make your communication 'useless'!</strong></li>
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<li>Make sure you connect with other people genuinely - connection is only real when it happens for its own sake.<br /> </li>
<li>Notice when you add your own agendas - and be honest about them. If you are being-nice-with-an-agenda, people will smell a rat! If you try to 'win friends' in order to 'influence people', you aren't <span style="text-decoration: underline;">just</span> being friendly. If you are listening so that somebody will listen to in return, you aren't <span style="text-decoration: underline;">just</span> listening. So be aware of your own needs, and include them openly.<br /> </li>
<li>Be 'useless' effectively! - Once you have created a connection watch out for 'action energy'. Once people feel heard and understood, they naturally want to move forward. Watch out for the forward-moving energy, and make sure you are ready to move forward too. Now is the time to change the world!</li>
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<span style="color: maroon; font-size: 12pt;"><em><strong>EXERCISE: </strong></em><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;">Practise making connections - with anybody</span><em><strong>
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<span style="color: maroon; font-size: 12pt;"><em><strong><span style="color: #4c4c4c; font-size: 11pt;"><br />Every day we have countless opportunities to connect. Don't wait for the big moments, practise on small things ...</span></strong></em></span></div>
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<span style="color: maroon; font-size: 12pt;"><em>Just now, I am practising with my friend Simon's dog! Khyo is an unexpected visitor (that's short for Khyvruan, 'Misty', in Gaelic), as I'm looking after him while Simon is away. </em></span></div>
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<span style="color: maroon; font-size: 12pt;"><em><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg4d_egJiloyjT_8WUL71n16rIcYfAaWJ-Wu0RAirN1SS1sLPiUoXd8DfFpPKGsGrId3KYZMHvHGdQkkSu-DPZZIDQncN0NDePFTfcQI7_IOWt8q7AfLGCwEzZy_9a_1Xkm427x-Z-0EkGN/s1600/IMG_0108.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg4d_egJiloyjT_8WUL71n16rIcYfAaWJ-Wu0RAirN1SS1sLPiUoXd8DfFpPKGsGrId3KYZMHvHGdQkkSu-DPZZIDQncN0NDePFTfcQI7_IOWt8q7AfLGCwEzZy_9a_1Xkm427x-Z-0EkGN/s1600/IMG_0108.jpg" height="240" width="320" /></a></em></span></div>
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<span style="color: maroon; font-size: 12pt;"><em><span style="font-size: 11pt;">Connection brings natural partnership. Nobody 'wins' or 'loses' because you tune in to all the underlying needs - yours and other people's (or in this case, other animals'). </span></em></span></div>
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<span style="color: maroon; font-size: 12pt;"><em><span style="font-size: 11pt;">Out for my first jog this morning with Khyo, there came a point when I decided to turn back. But Khyo had other ideas! </span></em></span></div>
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<span style="color: maroon; font-size: 12pt;"><em><span style="font-size: 11pt;">Sensing in to my own needs, I knew I was fine to continue a little further with him. I could resonate with his joy as he explored this sunny, sniff-per-second riverbank. </span></em></span></div>
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<span style="color: maroon; font-size: 12pt;"><em><span style="font-size: 11pt;">Two minutes later, though, I knew I'd had enough. With complete ease, he turned around with me and came home. Our warm connection created ease and harmony - and the outcome at each point flowed from that.</span></em></span></div>
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<span style="color: maroon; font-size: 12pt;"><em>Follow me here on <a href="https://twitter.com/lifeatworknow" linktype="1" shape="rect" style="color: blue; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank" track="on">Twitter </a>to see how Khyo and I get on ...</em></span></div>
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By Elizabeth English<br />
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Elizabeth English (Locana) – From Life at Workhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08514632336450423931noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7516826968322440651.post-237874719496424422014-07-01T00:00:00.000+01:002014-07-01T00:00:04.022+01:00Q31: What can Marie Antoinette teach us about communication?<div style="font-size: 11pt;">
<span style="font-size: 11pt;"><span style="color: #990000; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; font-style: italic;">According to the popular story of Marie Antoinette, the Parisian mob was thronging at the palace gates demanding bread when the French queen appeared in the royal balcony and, with a wave of her delicately gloved hand, declared, 'Let them eat cake!' </span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: 11pt;"><span style="color: #990000; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; font-style: italic;">The starving peasants, intent upon survival not pleasure, did not take kindly to the charming comment - and promptly cut off her head.</span><span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;"><b>[1]</b></span></span></div>
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<em><span style="color: #990000; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Making suggestions which don't match other people's needs can be so risky that I've given it a name: the Marie Antoinette Syndrome ...</span></em></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><b><span style="color: blue;">[1] </span></b><span style="color: #666666;">The story is apocryphal. The popular myth apparently conflates one of several bread-shortages prior to the French Revolution with the revolution itself; and the comment was almost certainly invented (or recycled) by revolutionary polemicists and others using a phrase earlier coined (or invented) by Rousseau. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="color: #666666;">See, </span><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Let_them_eat_cake" linktype="1" shape="rect" style="color: blue; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank" track="on">Let them eat cake - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia</a></span></div>
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<span style="color: #653080; font-size: 12pt;"><strong>Marie Antoinette's story ...</strong></span></div>
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As a small child, I struggled to understand the peasants. I myself preferred cake to the mandatory wholemeal bread my father gave us. But like poor Marie Antoinette herself, I was failing to grasp the distinction between the means for healthy survival (brown bread) and the means for refined pleasure (cake). What the story tells us is how hard it is to say or do things which satisfy other people, because from our own point of view, it's hard to see where they're coming from. </div>
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As Marie Antoinette discovered to her cost, if you assume you know what's motivating someone, and you get it wrong, they are quite likely to object. For the peasants, it wasn't just that the Queen's suggestion misfired, but the raw indignity of being so utterly misunderstood. Being seen for who we are, being understood, is a default need. If that goes missing, people easily feel hurt and upset and often flare up, angry and indignant.<br />
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So if you find somebody biting your head off (not chopping it off) it's worth pausing to ask:</div>
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You might feel a lot calmer on the end of their anger and indignation if you realise that their hot retorts are their survival mechanism kicking in, with a plea for understanding.<br />
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<span style="color: #653080; font-size: 12pt;"><strong>The peasants' story ...</strong></span></div>
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On the other hand, we don't always make it easy for other people to know what we need. Presumably the peasants made it clear enough. But if all Marie Antoinette heard was a demand for bread (and not their need for survival), it made sense to her to offer something even more delicious. So if you find yourself growing rebellious on the end of somebody else's 'crass suggestions', it might be worth checking how clear you have been before you snap back, and bite their head off:</div>
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<span style="font-size: 11pt;">I was in a supermarket once when somebody's shopping trolley brushed my shin and nicked the skin. </span></div>
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<em>'Ouch!'</em> I said mildly, and carried on choosing cucumbers. But a moment later, I happened to glance down only to see blood running in gory rivulets onto my shoes. Hailing a shop assistant, I asked him for some tissue.<br />
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<em>'You'll find them over there,'</em> he said, waving regally. But, by now, I was pretty messy, not to mention embarrassed, and his airy comment exasperated me. I wanted to make a cutting remark which would punish him for so 'stupidly' misunderstanding my needs:</div>
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<span style="font-size: 11pt;"><span style="color: maroon;"><em>'Can't you see I need HELP not INFORMATION!'</em></span> I wanted to snap. But I thought of Marie Antoinette. Presumably he couldn't see. </span></div>
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On another occasion, I was due for a minor operation. Discussing it with a surgeon a few weeks beforehand, I felt curious to see the operating theatre; fascinated really, as I'd never seen one before. Thinking it would help me prepare, I asked if I might pop my head around the door of the (empty) operating room as I left. But he refused point blank. Why? <br />
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<span style="color: black;"><em>'I don't want you to worry yourself'.</em></span> I was speechless with indignation. <br />
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<span style="color: maroon;"> <em>'Can't you see I want INFORMATION not HELP!'</em></span>
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I fumed inwardly. But failing in his powers of telepathy, he hadn't seen. And as he was shortly to operate on me, I contented myself with giving him a mental lecture on the Marie Antoinette Syndrome.<br />
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So while other people may mistake your motivations, it's equally true that if you don't tell them, it leaves a hole for them to fall inside. And if you aren't careful, you fall into it yourself.<br />
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<span style="color: #653080; font-size: 12pt;"><strong>You ignore a need at your peril</strong></span></div>
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As the cautionary tale of Marie Antoinette suggests, misreading people's needs - and being misread yourself - can be a dangerous business. Needs are there because they call for attention. If you don't see them, somebody will suffer - and it may be you. You will doubtless escape the fate of Marie Antoinette, but you'll have to pay for it somehow. You'll discover (if you didn't know already) that <em>you ignore a need at your peril.</em> While you might forget a need, the need won't forget you!<br />
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<span style="color: maroon; font-size: 12pt;"><em><strong>EXERCISE: How to spot a need</strong></em></span></div>
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<em>The next time somebody makes a suggestion, try looking beyond the action. The action takes place in the outer world of Doing. Their needs relate to the inner world of Being.</em> </div>
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<em>Suppose somebody asks you for bread.</em></div>
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<span style="color: #4c4c4c;">'Let's have some toast!'</span><span style="color: #4c4c4c;"><em> they cry. Is this a wish for healthy sustenance, a prelude to a comforting snack, or a bid for pleasure? <strong>Health</strong>, <strong>comfort</strong> and <strong>pleasure</strong> are all human needs and qualities.</em></span> <br />
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<span style="color: #4c4c4c;"><em>So before you reply (and especially before you dismiss the idea, telling them not to be so greedy), try to find out where they're coming from. You might disagree with their strategy, but you can never dismiss the need. You can only work out better strategies which may meet more needs still.</em></span><br />
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Elizabeth English (Locana) – From Life at Workhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08514632336450423931noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7516826968322440651.post-70191699919415284192014-06-01T00:00:00.000+01:002014-06-01T00:00:04.168+01:00Q30: Can politicians speak mindfully?<div>
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<span style="color: #990000; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><em>This May, I had the privilege of attending the launch of a new All-Party Parliamentary Group on mindfulness.</em><a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=7516826968322440651#n1" linktype="anchor" shape="rect" style="font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none;">[1]</a><em> Here I was, invited into the Houses of Parliament simply because I meditate! For many of us long-term meditators, this was an unexpected turn. When we started out (for me, in 1983) we were 'weird' or 'way out', we then graduated to being 'cool', and what are we now? Trend-setters! Even a force for change in the establishment! <br /><br />I was surprised to learn that over 80 MPs and peers have learned mindfulness on courses at Westminster.</em><a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=7516826968322440651#n2" linktype="anchor" shape="rect" style="font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none;">[2]</a></span><em><span style="color: #990000; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> Having calm and resourceful politicians can only be a good thing, of course. So how soon will we hear the benefits in their communication?</span></em></div>
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<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="color: #990000;"><b>[</b></span><span style="color: #990000;"><b>1]</b></span> <span style="color: #666666;">The All-Party Parliamentary Group on Mindfulness was launched on 7th May 2014 in the Houses of Parliament to enquire into the role of mindfulness in public policy. The group is supported by The Mindfulness Initiative, a collaboration of three UK universities which are centres of research and training on mindfulness, Exeter, Bangor and Oxford. The Mindfulness Initiative, founded by Madeleine Bunting and Chris Cullen in 2013, is supporting the MAPPG. It is dedicated to advocacy of and research into the role of mindfulness in public policy. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="color: #990000;"><b>[2]</b></span> <span style="color: #666666;">Professor Mark Williams and Chris Cullen from the Oxford Mindfulness Centre have been running mindfulness courses in the Houses of Parliament since January 2013. To date, about 80 parliamentarians from both Houses have attended. </span></span></div>
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Mindfulness is a way of paying attention. It's more than not being on 'autopilot'. It's about being fully, vibrantly present whatever you are doing. If you are practising a mindfulness meditation, you might be paying attention to your breath, or to the feelings in your body as you breathe. So what does speaking <em>mindfully</em> mean? <br />
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Presumably, you pay attention to your words. But this might be risky. You don't want to sound over-careful, wooden or pre-planned. People would be less inclined to trust you. They might even accuse you of talking like a politician! So better still, you can pay attention to what lies beyond your words, to your <span style="color: #a20000;"><strong>message and meaning.</strong></span> <br />
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<span style="font-size: 11pt;">But this also holds challenges - not to say dangers!</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: 11pt;">If you pay attention to what you mean, the risk is that you will say it out loud! Even if you try to hold back, there are times what you really think surfaces anyway ....</span> </div>
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<strong>'Bigotgate' and 'Brown Toast'</strong><br />
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Witness the last Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, just before the 2010 general election. After an outwardly friendly meeting with voters in the street, back in the private world of his car, he says what he really thinks: <br />
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<span style="color: #4c4c4c;"><em>'That was a disaster! You should never have put me with that woman ... She's just a sort of BIGOTED woman ...!'</em></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: 11pt;">But (as the press quickly pointed out) his microphone was still on - and his words were soon broadcast to the nation ....</span> <br />
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<span style="color: #653080; font-size: 12pt;"><strong>How can mindfulness help?</strong></span> </div>
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The answer is to know the useful meaning behind your 'negative' thoughts and judgements. This generally lands well with other people. For example, how could Mr Brown have said his words honestly in ways that the nation (and the poor pensioner herself) would have been happy to hear?<br />
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Like any judgement, the word 'bigoted' is useful as a shorthand, but to unravel its full meaning, Mr Brown would need to tap into his fuller experience, and pay attention to that. This is an inner journey which would take him from No! to Yes!</div>
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<li style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;">What is NOT wanted - 'NO!'</li>
<li style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;">What IS wanted - 'YES!'</li>
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<em><strong><span style="font-size: 11pt;">What is NOT wanted - 'NO!'</span></strong></em></div>
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When Mr Brown spluttered, <em>' That was a disaster! ...',</em> He was giving voice to a 'No' which I assume means:<br />
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<span style="color: #4c4c4c;"><em>'I do NOT share those views!' </em></span><span style="color: black;">And,</span><span style="color: #4c4c4c;"><em> 'I do NOT want to spend valuable pre-election time discussing them.'</em></span> <br />
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<span style="font-size: 11pt;">If this is what he had said, it could have saved him much embarrassment. But his words might still have shocked the innocent pensioner. So Mr Brown must dig deeper. What does this <em>'No'</em> really mean? At a guess, his word <em>'bigot'</em> says <em>'No!'</em> to <em>intolerance</em>, <em>prejudice</em>, <em>unfairness</em> and <em>inequality.</em> But this still holds blame. He needs to dig deeper still.</span><br />
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<em><strong>What IS wanted - 'YES!'</strong></em></div>
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'No' to <em>intolerance</em>, <em>prejudice</em>, <em>unfairness</em> and <em>inequality</em> presumably means 'Yes' to their opposites: to <em>tolerance</em>, <em>understanding</em>, <em>fairness</em> and <em>equality</em>. If this is what Mr Brown meant, it was a shame he didn't say so. His unsuspecting audience of millions would have heard a very different message. With much greater accuracy than his judgement, the Prime Minister could have broadcast his <em>values</em>. It may not have sounded quite as tidy as this, but in his own way, he would be saying the fullest version of the truth we've heard so far: <br />
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<span style="color: #4c4c4c; font-size: 11pt;"><em>'I feel UTTERLY frustrated hearing those views on immigration. I URGENTLY want voters to hear all the policies we have in place to address these issues - based on values of TOLERANCE, JUSTICE and EQUALITY!'</em></span> <br />
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<span style="color: #653080; font-size: 12pt;"><strong>Speaking mindfully</strong></span></div>
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So to speak mindfully, you need to think and feel mindfully too - that's when you discover your true meaning. You find words which are more true than any negative judgements you might have used. And tuning in to that truer, deeper meaning, your words flow freshly from there. <br />
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<span style="font-size: 11pt;">... Now it wouldn't matter if your microphone were left on!</span><br />
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<span style="color: maroon;"><em>EXERCISES: In a normal conversation, we don't have much time to notice the processes at work behind our words. Using mindful attention, these exercises help to create more space as we speak:</em></span><br />
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<strong>Developing your inner reference point</strong>:</div>
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<li style="color: #4c4c4c; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;"><span style="font-size: 11pt;">Choose a conversation you find interesting</span></li>
<li style="color: #4c4c4c; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;">Notice when you want to add something to the conversation</li>
<li style="color: #4c4c4c; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;">Pause for a moment just before you are about to speak</li>
<li style="color: #4c4c4c; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;">Notice what it feels like to have a sense of your meaning, a felt sense (before you know which words you're going to use)</li>
<li style="color: #4c4c4c; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;">Give a moment's mindful space to this clear-but-unclear moment (what is it like? how does it feel in your body?) </li>
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<span style="font-size: 11pt;"><strong>Transforming your judgements (the journey from 'No' to 'Yes'): </strong></span></div>
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<em>TIP: In this exercise, we go into slow motion. We look for underlying needs or qualities (such as intolerance 'NO!' - and 'tolerance' 'YES!'), which we feel on a gut level. This means holding back from immediate strategies or solutions. When you give mindful attention to what you need or value, then you can move into action, and find ways to bring it in.</em></div>
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<li style="color: #4c4c4c; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;">Notice when you are on the brink of making a critical judgement (or you have just made one)</li>
<li style="color: #4c4c4c; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;">Sense the power of the 'No' inside your judgement - does it have a body sense, a gesture, or basic words (e.g. "THAT'S NOT OKAY!" or "STOP" or "OUCH!")</li>
<li style="color: #4c4c4c; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;">Pause to notice what are you saying 'NO' to. What has gone missing for you?</li>
<li style="color: #4c4c4c; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;">Pause again to sense how it would be if everything was fine, a sense of 'YES!'</li>
<li style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #4c4c4c; font-size: 11pt;">Now, can you find a simple word or two to put your 'YES'-meaning across?</span></li>
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<strong>By Elizabeth English</strong></div>
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Elizabeth English (Locana) – From Life at Workhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08514632336450423931noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7516826968322440651.post-14751725379591610982014-05-01T00:00:00.000+01:002014-05-01T13:11:11.071+01:00Q29: What can great art teach us about listening?<a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=7516826968322440651" name="top"></a><br />
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<em style="font-size: 11pt;">I spent my Easter bank holiday gazing at the sea paintings of Turner, at Greenwich Maritime Museum. Apart from my love of Turner's seas and skies, I wanted to learn more about listening ....</em></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;">Turner's great contemporary, John Constable, said:</span></div>
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<span style="color: #4c4c4c;"><em>'I never saw an ugly thing in my life.'<b> </b></em></span><a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=7516826968322440651" name="back1"></a></div>
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<span style="color: #4c1130; font-size: xx-small;">Constable apparently said: ‘There is nothing ugly; I never saw an ugly thing in my life: </span></div>
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<span style="color: #4c1130; font-size: xx-small;">for let the form of an object be what it may, — light, shade, and perspective </span></div>
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<span style="color: #4c1130; font-size: xx-small;">will always make it beautiful.’ This was a reply, ‘to a lady who, </span></div>
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<span style="color: #4c1130; font-size: xx-small;">looking at an engraving of a house, called it an ugly thing’. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #4c1130; font-size: xx-small;">Quoted in C. R. Leslie, Memoirs of the Life of John Constable, </span></div>
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<span style="color: #4c1130; font-size: xx-small;">Composed Chiefly of His Letters (1843), (Phaidon, London, 1951), p. 280.</span></div>
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Yet Turner (1775-1851) and Constable (1776-1837) lived in an age of poverty, disease, uncontrolled industrialisation and open sewers - they <em>must</em> have seen ugly things!<br />
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<img alt="LIFE Magazine" border="0" height="238" hspace="5" name="ACCOUNT.IMAGE.32" src="https://origin.ih.constantcontact.com/fs191/1105167973495/img/32.png" vspace="5" width="320" /></div>
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<span style="color: #4c1130; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;"><em style="text-align: start;">Drawing of a Travelling Group of Poor Wretched Nineteenth-Century English Beggars</em><span style="text-align: start;">. </span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #4c1130; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="text-align: start;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">The image comes from the historical archives of LIFE Magazine</span><span style="font-size: x-small;">.</span></span><a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=7516826968322440651#back2" style="font-size: small; text-align: start;"><b> </b></a></span></div>
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Constable explains:<br />
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<span style="color: #4c4c4c;"><em>'Let the form of an object be what it may - light, shade, and perspective will always make it beautiful.'</em></span><br />
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With his artist's eye, Constable sees things differently - as beautiful - because he knows <em>how</em> to see them. Revealed through <em>light</em>, <em>shade</em> and <em>perspective</em>, everything is worthy of attention. So it struck me, how can we take this into our everyday conversations? Could we listen with an 'artist's ear'? Can <em>light</em>, <em>shade</em> and <em>perspective</em> help us, too?<br />
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<span style="color: #653080; font-size: 12pt;"><strong>Light</strong></span> </div>
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Seeing Turner's sea pictures in the flesh at the exhibition, I'm immediately basking in myriad sources of light. Everything seems to reflect in everything else.<br />
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<em style="color: #4c1130; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small; text-align: start;">Sunset on the Sea</em><span style="color: #4c1130; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: xx-small; text-align: start;">, Turner, 1839 (in the Tate collection). </span></div>
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What would happen if we listened in this way? For me, it means tuning into the light and life behind somebody's words; reminding myself that whatever goes on inside a person is reflected in their words, expressions, gestures and actions. <br />
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Suppose you're telling me something that sounds dull or disgusting - still, behind and beyond what you say, something matters to you. Something is alive in you. Why else would you bother speaking? The more fully I listen, the more I respond; something comes alive in me as well. (I may need to choose whose 'aliveness' I listen to - yours or mine.)</div>
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<li><span style="font-size: 11pt;"><strong>In a painting, the light decides what catches your attention and your eye moves there naturally.</strong></span></li>
<li><strong>As you listen, let the life behind the words catch your attention. If you focus on that, your understanding will move there too.</strong></li>
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<strong>Shade </strong></div>
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Leonardo da Vinci said, '<em style="color: black;">Shade is a more powerful agent than light</em>'. You can rob somebody of light by placing an obstacle in its way, but however much light you shine, you can never get rid of a shadow. It will only get stronger. <span style="font-size: 11pt;">This is like the conversation where the</span><span style="font-size: 11pt;"> emotional undertow or the subtexts speak more loudly than the words themselves. However clear the words are, what is </span><em style="font-size: 11pt;">un</em><span style="font-size: 11pt;">clear obscures what is clear. </span><span style="font-size: 11pt;">But, as Leonardo points out, shadows are entirely necessary. Without them, '</span><em style="font-size: 11pt;">the forms of bodies could not be understood in detail</em><span style="font-size: 11pt;">.' Unless we are open to people's shadowy messages as well as the clear ones, we won't be able to understand them in detail.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;"><span style="text-align: start;"><span style="color: #4c1130;">Leonardo da Vinci (1452-1519) from</span> </span><a href="http://the-notebooks-of-leonardo-da-vinci-volume-1.t.ebooks2ebooks.com/5.html" linktype="1" shape="rect" style="color: blue; font-style: italic; font-weight: bold; text-align: start; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank" track="on">Six Books on Light and Shade</a><span style="text-align: start;">.</span></span></div>
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In communication, half-hidden emotions and subtexts often get a bad press. We end up feeling confused, wondering what the other person really means. If you aren't clear what you mean, you draw me into an indistinct, fuzzy realm of semi-formed feelings and intentions. You cannot say them fully because you do not <em>know</em> them fully. But if I get irritated or upset, it will be even harder for you to work out what you want to say. If I feel overwhelmed by the unknown, I won't enjoy listening, and you won't enjoy talking.<br />
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This is where listening becomes an art form! If we try to understand every shape and object in Turner's sea paintings, we miss the point. In his indistinct world, there are no precise forms. Yet he communicates powerful emotion and extraordinary atmosphere. Only when we see the hazy images as part of a whole, do we gather a sense of meaning, mystery and magic.<br />
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<span style="color: #4c1130; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;"><em style="text-align: start;">Off the Nore, Wind and Water</em><span style="text-align: start;">, Turner, 1840-5 </span></span></div>
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<span style="text-align: start;"><span style="color: #4c1130; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;">(in the Yale Centre for British Art, Paul Mellon Collection). </span></span></div>
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<li><strong>In great art, the forms may be blurred and indistinct - yet they evoke emotion, power and depth. </strong></li>
<li><strong>As you listen, allow yourself to enter the world of the unknown. It's here you feel the force behind the words, a felt-sense which may not (yet) have words to do it justice.</strong></li>
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<span style="color: #653080; font-size: 12pt;"><strong>Perspective</strong></span></div>
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Taking light and shade together, an artist learns the skills of perspective. By accepting and including both, the scene gains depth and distance. Looking at it, you know where you stand.<br />
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If you listen in this way, you accept and include what is 'good' and 'bad'. Even if my comments are 'ugly' - sharp or grumbling - you hear them differently. They take on depth and substance. <br />
You see other dimensions of me (and perhaps I do too). The more curious you are, the more fascinating I become! </div>
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<li><span style="font-size: 11pt;"><strong>If you want to hear words as 'beautiful', listen like an artist. The artist's gift may be a blessing, but it is also a skill which grows through practice.</strong></span></li>
<li><strong>Remember: there is magic and mystery in anyone's words, whatever they are!</strong></li>
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<em><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Why not share your ideas about listening by adding a comment to this post?</span></em></div>
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<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">What helps you to listen?</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Do you have any other metaphors or inspirations which help you to give space to yourself and to others?</span></li>
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<strong>By Elizabeth English</strong></div>
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<strong>with Peter Kuklis</strong></div>
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Elizabeth English (Locana) – From Life at Workhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08514632336450423931noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7516826968322440651.post-28007770324872873112014-04-01T00:00:00.000+01:002014-04-01T00:00:03.698+01:00Q28: Why do I go blank – just when something matters?<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" id="textEdit" style="margin: 1px 0px; width: 100%px;">
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<em style="font-size: 11pt;">Pausing is what our systems do because they're alive to a complicated set of circumstances that we call 'now'. It's what happens when we find our normally intelligible words and sentences turn into unexpected umm's and er's; or even grind to a halt completely as we go blank. But this is neither daft nor decorative ....</em></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><strong><span style="background-color: white; color: #674ea7;">The revolutionary pause</span> </strong><a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=7516826968322440651#note1"><span style="color: blue;">[1]</span></a><a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=7516826968322440651" name="top"></a></span> </div>
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<span style="font-size: 11pt;">Our (possibly) embarrassing slurs and stutters are our body's natural mechanism for sorting out confusion. In fact, the body is not confused. It's entirely clear that there's more going on. Indeed, this 'more' is so essential to the next step that it won't let us go until we've given it the time and attention it needs. </span></div>
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Pausing successfully is a subtle skill. A pause is an unclear zone. Everything inside it feels (and is!) fuzzy and unformed. Under pressure, that can feel scary. Have you ever felt embarrassed or panicked when you don't know what to say? Perhaps you froze over entirely, or went the other way, and started gabbling furiously to fill in the gap? This is one way in which we lose connection with ourselves, our situation, and other people.<br />
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So the best thing to do if you suddenly find yourself 'on pause' is to make virtue of necessity. This can turn everything around - It's revolutionary:
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<li align="left" style="color: #4c4c4c; text-align: left;"><strong style="font-size: 11pt;">Pause (intentionally!)</strong></li>
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<span style="color: maroon;"><strong>Being clear you're not clear (a 'felt sense')</strong></span></div>
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When you pause intentionally, it's unlikely you'll feel clear straight away, of course. Thoughts and feelings take time to form. <br />
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Let's say you forget something as you leave the house. You know this because you have a <em>clear</em> sense there is something you have forgotten (you hold it in your body, perhaps a vague tension, a tightness, an odd 'unfinished' feeling ...). You know <em>clearly</em> that it's about forgetting something; but the rest is still unclear. If somebody prompted you - '<em>Did you feed the cat?</em>', '<em>Did you remember to phone your mum?</em>' - you would know straight away, '<em>Yes, of course I did! That's not it at all!'</em> You are clear what it's <em>not</em>. Even in those 'fuzzy' zones, you are remarkably precise. And after a pause, you suddenly remember what it was... '<em>Ahh! It's THAT!'</em> The tension slips away, and you're free to work out what happens next.</div>
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<span style="color: maroon; font-size: 12pt;"><strong>Older - or wiser?</strong></span></div>
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There's such an emphasis on having the 'right answer', on knowing precisely what to say or do next, that we often skim the surface of our felt sense. We lose out on the riches which spring from our deeper understanding. So next time your words don't come quickly enough for you, try not to criticise yourself. Your inner world is giving you the chance to process what it needs without your interference. It's a built-in safety measure. The more pressure you put on yourself to know what you feel, the more likely you are to 'go blank'. You can only ever go 'at the pace of your slowest parts'. <span style="color: blue;"><a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=7516826968322440651#note2"><span style="color: blue;">[2]</span></a><a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=7516826968322440651" name="back2"></a> </span><br />
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Some people find they go blank more often as they get older. But, who knows, perhaps it's because they're wiser! There's more inside to process. Similarly, when we're tired, what lies below the surface is nearer the surface, and so more able to catch our attention. That's why it's hard to concentrate if we're ruffled or upset. Our systems will always look for ways to give expression to what needs to be heard, or wants resolution.</div>
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Your body is slowing you down for a reason. It's asking you to take a step back and get a fresh take on things. Only once you've done this can you know what to say or do next.</div>
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<span style="color: #674ea7; font-size: 12pt;"><strong>Pause! (Practice going blank!)</strong></span></div>
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You might like to explore what it's like to be <em>clear</em> that you're unclear. This practice helps you to acknowledge the 'more' always present in your experience.<br />
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<span style="font-size: 11pt;">1. Notice an unclear sense, such as something which comes to you unbidden, or difficult to explain, for example:</span></div>
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<li><em style="color: #4c4c4c; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;">an unbidden 'umm ...' or 'er ....'</em></li>
<li><em style="color: #4c4c4c; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;">an unexpected burst of good humour or sudden surge of grumpiness</em></li>
<li><em style="color: #4c4c4c; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;">an echo of a dream</em></li>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;">2. Allow space for any </span><em style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;">unclear</em><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;"> sense that your experience holds - something more, that you cannot put into words.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 15px;"><br /></span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;">3. Notice the </span><em style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;">unclear</em><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;"> sense just as it is. Greet it with a '</span><em style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;">Yes - this is what is there; this is how it feels.</em><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;">'</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 15px;"><br /></span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;">4. Finish pausing - and review what happened.</span></div>
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<em>TIP: </em></div>
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<li><em>Try to put aside familiar theories or criticisms, such as 'I'm always grumpy in the mornings!', 'I get over-stressed!' </em></li>
<li><em>Don't try to change what you feel; especially don't try to 'improve' it, such as consciously relaxing your shoulders or deciding to breathe more deeply - if you consciously change it, you lose the sense of 'more'.</em></li>
<li><em>Make space for it just as it is, now.</em></li>
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by Elizabeth English<br />
(With thanks to Peter Kuklis)</div>
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[1]<span style="color: black;"><a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=7516826968322440651" name="note1"></a></span> The 'revolutionary pause' was a phrase coined by Mary Hendrix. See 'Focusing as a Force for Peace: The Revolutionary Pause' Keynote Address to the Fifteenth Focusing International Conference 2003 in Germany. By Mary Hendricks-Gendlin, Ph.D., Director, The Focusing Institute. Online reference: <a href="http://www.focusing.org/social_issues/hendricks_peace.html" linktype="1" shape="rect" style="color: #004db4; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank" track="on">Focusing as a Force for Peace: The Revolutionary Pause</a>. <a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=7516826968322440651#top"><span style="color: blue;">[Back]</span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">[2]<a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=7516826968322440651" name="note2"></a> A phrase I've borrowed from Ann Weiser Cornell. <a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=7516826968322440651#back2"><span style="color: blue;">[Back]</span></a></span><br />
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Elizabeth English (Locana) – From Life at Workhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08514632336450423931noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7516826968322440651.post-77034913605838276942014-03-01T00:00:00.000+00:002014-03-01T00:00:03.229+00:00Q27: How can my body help me to communicate?<a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=7516826968322440651" name="top"></a>
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<em style="font-size: 11pt;">One reader sent me a question about my January tip, Q25: Do you want to conquer your fears this year? It was about limiting beliefs, the views and assumptions which stop us doing what we want. We were exploring ideas of can and can't. Beryl asked what I meant by:</em></div>
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'I can't achieve what I want (making money, a job etc) ... But I can trust my abilities.'</div>
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<em>I'm grateful for Beryl's question, because it gives me a chance to talk more about what we know; not on a head level, but in our wider being - in our bodies.</em></div>
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<span style="color: #653080; font-size: 12pt;"><strong>Your body knows the answer</strong></span></div>
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In the exercise, I suggested:<br />
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<span style="color: #4c4c4c;"><em>Take time to feel what you CAN do instead. Wait until you feel this deeply, viscerally - so that is it not a second best, but comes with a warming glow, or a fresh, good energy.</em></span><br />
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Whatever you long for, if you can imagine it, you know it. That's why you long for it. Of course, just now, you're separate from it - which is why you feel bad. Your feelings are telling you what you want.<br />
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If you give space to what is wanted, the answer comes from the level of your feelings. And feelings come from your body. So you can take a problem or issue - such as 'not trusting myself to make enough money' - take a deep breath, and ask yourself-as-a-whole:<br />
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<span style="color: #4c4c4c;"><em>'How would this feel, if it felt <span style="text-decoration: underline;">all alright</span>?'</em></span><br />
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You may not feel the answer immediately. First, your fears may want to tell you just how fearful they are. But when you give it enough space, your body responds:<br />
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<span style="color: #4c4c4c;"><em>'Ah! THAT's how it would feel!'</em></span><br />
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Now, you have a visceral sense of the answer. This is stronger than ideas, because it is embodied. Aside from practicalities (which happen in your head), your body KNOWS how it feels to trust yourself. (If it didn't, you wouldn't know what you are longing for.)<br />
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<span style="color: #653080; font-size: 12pt;"><strong>Trusting your gut instincts</strong></span></div>
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This puts a particular spin on trusting your gut instincts. Your fresh, visceral sense of what you want acts like an inner compass. It guides you forward. Your longed-for goals are present in you, as a living spring. So confidence and hope come naturally. Instead of anxiously arranging your life, trying desperately to achieve a distant wish, you trust the wish to manifest what you want. <br />
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Allowing your body to feel happier and more vibrant, even when your cherished plans have not (yet) come true, may seem strange at first. But it makes sense. Your abilities flow more creatively. You're better placed to deal with life as it is now. You can bridge the gap between where you are this moment and where you would like to be.</div>
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<span style="color: maroon; font-size: 14pt;"><strong>An exercise for grounding and centring</strong></span><br />
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This mindfulness exercise comes from Mark Walsh, who specialises in techniques for embodiment (more about Mark's work and forthcoming training events are available on his website: <a href="http://efc.integrationtraining.co.uk/" linktype="1" shape="rect" style="color: #004db4; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank" track="on">http://efc.integrationtraining.co.uk/</a>).<br />
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Mark writes: <br />
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<span style="color: #4c4c4c;"><em>Under pressure, 'bad habits' quickly take over. Neurologically this is not surprising. When we're stressed, the famous 'fight or flight' response effectively turns off our capacity for higher reasoning in the neocortex region of the brain - and we revert to what we know best. It's what we've practised most, after all. But this isn't always the most helpful way forward. But once you centre and ground your awareness in your body, you open the door to your more creative and flexible responses. They come through you naturally.</em></span><br />
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You might like to try this simple and effective method which Mark recommends.<br />
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<span style="color: #653080; font-size: 12pt;"><strong>'ABC' Centring</strong></span></div>
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<li><em>Awareness:</em> Become aware of your body, especially your feet and back</li>
<li><em>Balance:</em> Balance your posture physically, either sitting or standing, notice things and people in your awareness - all around you through 360 degrees</li>
<li><em>Core relaxation:</em> Relax your eyes, letting your vision become peripheral. Soften your mouth and jaw and your belly (so you can breath with the diaphragm 'into' the different parts of you)</li>
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<span style="color: #653080; font-size: 12pt;"><strong>Does it work?</strong></span></div>
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I asked Mark where he had taught centring, and the effect it has on people. He told me:<br />
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<em>I taught members of the Sierra Leonian Army to use it to keep calm during mediation sessions. In a gun culture, threats easily escalates into dangerous conflict. Many people have told me that, after centring themselves, they were able to break free from habitual responses which would normally lead to open confrontation and physical violence.</em><br />
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<span style="color: #4c4c4c;"><em>Business people, too, practice centring at the start of meetings to increase efficiency. One client of mine even used it to relax during an earthquake in China! Memorably for me, first dates and family Christmases have been the real test!</em></span><br />
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Try it for yourself. The key is practice. And it is a wonderful preparation for that life-affirming question:<br />
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<span style="color: #4c4c4c;"><em>'How would this feel, if it felt <span style="text-decoration: underline;">all alright</span>?'</em></span><br />
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Elizabeth English</div>
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with thanks to Mark Walsh and Peter Kuklis</div>
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Mark's work and forthcoming training events on his website: <a href="http://efc.integrationtraining.co.uk/"><span style="color: blue;">http://efc.integrationtraining.co.uk/</span></a><br />
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Peter has just launched his Life at Work website in Slovakia: <br />
<a href="http://www.lifeatwork.sk/" linktype="1" shape="rect" style="color: #004db4; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank" track="on">http://www.Life At Work.sk</a> - Life At Work<br />
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<span style="color: black; font-size: 11pt;">[<a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=7516826968322440651#top" style="color: maroon; text-decoration: none;">Back to top</a>]<span style="color: black; font-size: 11pt;"> </span></span></div>
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Elizabeth English (Locana) – From Life at Workhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08514632336450423931noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7516826968322440651.post-60725797841447417972014-02-01T00:30:00.000+00:002014-02-01T00:30:00.217+00:00Q26: A reluctant Valentine ... Are there ‘bad reasons’ for saying ‘yes’?<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" id="textEdit" style="margin: 1px 0px; width: 100%px;">
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<em><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Many years ago, I had a friend who made out that February scared him, because according to an old tradition, Valentine's Day was the one day in the year when a woman could ask a man to marry her ... how times have changed!</span></em></div>
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<span style="color: maroon; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><em>But why should my friend be 'scared'? Wasn't the man entitled to say, 'no'?!</em></span><br />
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<td align="left" style="color: black; margin-left: 30px; text-align: left;"><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Fortunately (or otherwise), the days when a man would agree to anything out of sheer gentlemanly honour have long passed ... Or have they? In a love relationship, there are many complicated reasons for saying ‘yes’ or ‘no’; and ultimately, we must trust our inner sense of what feels right for us. Yet perhaps there are times, in love and in life, at home and at work, when we feel obliged to say yes - only to regret it later. </span><br />
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<span style="color: black;"><span style="color: #653080;"><strong>An unwilling 'yes'</strong></span> </span></div>
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<span style="color: black;">An unwilling 'yes' always causes problems. Suppose I ask you to do something. What are the 'bad reasons' you might agree? </span></div>
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<li style="color: #4c4c4c;">Out of resentment - because I don't offer you a choice? </li>
<li style="color: #4c4c4c;">Out of fear - because I'll angry be if you don't?</li>
<li style="color: #4c4c4c;">Out of resignation - to get the job done?</li>
<li style="color: #4c4c4c;">Or do you secretly wish to win my love and approval ...?</li>
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<span style="color: black;">From one perspective, these are <em>good</em> reasons! You're protecting yourself from harm, and doing your best to stoke up your future happiness. The reasons are 'bad' only because they cause a split. Something inside you would prefer to say 'no' - and this goes missing. It's in danger of getting lost.</span></div>
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<span style="color: black;"><span style="color: #653080;"><strong>Taking care of your needs</strong></span> </span></div>
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<span style="color: black;">The problem happens when <em>your actions don't completely meet your needs</em>. Doing what I want - saying yes - might stop you having some <em>unmet needs</em>, but that's all. You protect yourself from my demands, my anger or my laziness. But your needs for choice, safety and ease, even your needs for love and affection, are not included - they are left out in the cold, alive and kicking. </span><br />
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<span style="color: black;">So your 'good reasons' also have worrying consequences. Your unmet needs will cause you to suffer. That is what unmet needs do - until you have acknowledged them and found ways of bringing them in. Until then, they act as 'lost parts', which think, feel and behave as anyone would who is shut outside, without a valid voice or proper home. </span><br />
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<span style="color: black;"><span style="color: #653080;"><strong>Why should I care?</strong></span> </span></div>
<span style="color: black;"><em>Why should your 'lost parts' matter to me?</em> (After all, I've got what I want ....)</span><br />
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<span style="color: black;">Because unmet needs have a way of making their presence felt. If your needs are unmet, you'll let me know. You'll make me pay for it in some way. Hidden resentments or suppressed needs may often burst out unexpectedly ... </span><br />
<ul><span style="color: black;">
<li style="color: #4c4c4c;">You stalk off in a huff, banging the door behind you</li>
<li style="color: #4c4c4c;">You push me away, to save further hurt </li>
<li style="color: #4c4c4c;">You lose all trust that I can see or hear your needs</li>
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<span style="color: black;">Perhaps it's not so final, and the worst I'd have to bear (as I dump another job on your plate) is ...</span><br />
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<li style="color: #4c4c4c;">Your sulky expression as you slouch sullenly away</li>
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You grimly doing what I ask - <em>but not an inch more!</em></div>
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<span style="color: black;">Is this okay for me, though? Perhaps I want to see you going the extra mile! Perhaps I'd like you to feel cheerful; I truly value our relationship ... Now I see that<em> if you have unmet needs,</em> then <em>I'm not meeting my needs either.</em> </span><br />
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<span style="color: black;">When I take you in fully, as a human being, I can't help but feel my 'needs for you', as well as my 'needs for me'. If I'm making life difficult for you, I'm also hurting myself.</span><br />
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<span style="color: black;"><span style="color: #653080;"><strong>Good reasons for hearing 'no'</strong></span> </span></div>
<span style="color: black;">Even in complex matters of love or friendship, hearing 'no' (while challenging) is always better than a half-hearted 'yes' - for both of us. The more wholehearted we are, the happier; and the more naturally friendly we feel. </span><br />
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<span style="color: black;">And who knows, hearing 'no' may open up new doors, and lead us somewhere undreamed of, to something we never knew could happen ....</span><br />
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<span style="color: black;">Elizabeth English</span></div>
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<span style="color: black;">with Peter Kuklis</span></div>
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<span style="color: black;"><strong><a href="http://lifeatworknow.blogspot.co.uk/2013/02/q-15-love-love-me-do-what-can-we-learn.html#more" linktype="1" shape="rect" style="color: #004db4; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank" track="on">In case you missed our Valentine's tip from last year, complete with Beatles song ... here it is!</a></strong></span></div>
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Elizabeth English (Locana) – From Life at Workhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08514632336450423931noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7516826968322440651.post-73287540240196924302014-01-01T00:00:00.000+00:002014-01-01T00:00:04.861+00:00Q25: Do you want to conquer your fears this year?<div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">
<em><span style="color: #990000; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Would you like to fly higher this year? What stops you may be your own inner barriers - your doubts, fears and limiting beliefs. Yet, in the words of a world champion hurdler:</span></em></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>'If we doubted our fears instead of doubting our dreams, imagine how much in life we'd accomplish!'</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>- Joel Brown (hurdler)</i></span></div>
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<em><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /><span style="color: #990000;">And a philosopher:</span></span></em></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> <span style="color: #4c4c4c;">'To conquer fear is the beginning of wisdom.'</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">- Bertrand Russell</span></div>
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<em><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /><span style="color: #990000;">But just how do we stop doubting our dreams? And is it really wise to conquer fear? </span></span></em><br />
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<strong style="color: #653080; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">What are your 'limiting beliefs'?</strong></div>
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<span style="font-size: 11pt;">Recently, I was at a conference in which the speaker was addressing our limiting beliefs. He challenged us to notice our views and assumptions - especially ones which restrict or diminish us.</span></div>
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<li style="color: #4c4c4c;">I fail to make good friends ...</li>
<li style="color: #4c4c4c;">I can't get the jobs I want ...</li>
<li style="color: #4c4c4c;">I don't deserve to have fun ...</li>
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<span style="font-size: 11pt;">Try this: </span></div>
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<li style="color: maroon;"><span style="color: maroon;">Take time to note down a few of your own views and assumptions about yourself</span></li>
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<span style="color: black; font-size: 11pt;">If we have these voices deep inside us, they influence what we do. They may make us heavy, sad or shaky. They close down possibilities before we've considered how true they really are. They are views born from fear.</span><br />
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<span style="color: black; font-size: 11pt;"><span style="color: #653080; font-size: 12pt;"><strong>Where does your fear come from?</strong></span> </span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-size: 11pt;">Yet we fear for good reasons - often because of difficult experiences in the past. Our fears are eager to protect us from doing anything which risks provoking the pain we felt then. </span><br />
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<span style="color: black; font-size: 11pt;">Some people think that one Big Reason stands behind all fear:</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-size: 11pt;"><span style="color: #4c4c4c;"><em>'The greatest barrier to success is the fear of failure.'</em></span> </span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-size: 11pt;"><span style="color: #4c4c4c;"><em>- Sven Goran Eriksson (sportsman)</em></span></span><br />
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<span style="color: black; font-size: 11pt;">But perhaps it's best to decide for yourself. Different people usually point to different Big Reasons - to rejection, the unknown, loneliness, loss of youth, fading beauty, bad health, lack of freedom, pain or death, even to fear:</span><br />
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<span style="color: black; font-size: 11pt;"><em><span style="color: #4c4c4c;">'The only thing we have to fear is fear itself .'</span> </em></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-size: 11pt;"><span style="color: #4c4c4c;"><em>- Franklin D. Roosevelt (statesman)</em></span></span><br />
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<span style="color: black; font-size: 11pt;">At its most general:</span></div>
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<li><strong>Fear points to something we do not want - to protect us from it</strong></li>
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<span style="font-size: 11pt;"><span style="color: #990000;">Try this: </span></span><br />
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<li>What is your fear telling you about what you DO NOT want?</li>
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<span style="color: black; font-size: 11pt;"><span style="color: #653080; font-size: 12pt;"><strong>What to do with doubt and fear?</strong></span> </span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-size: 11pt;"><span style="color: black;">Back at my conference, the speaker led us in an exercise. We were to shut our eyes and imagine ourselves incarcerated within an old castle, inside a turret with immensely thick walls. This, I enjoyed! I could feel how my fears and assumptions create limiting beliefs which cramp and restrict me.</span> </span><br />
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<span style="color: black; font-size: 11pt;">Next, we were to see ourselves wielding a tremendous axe, and chop, lop, hack and hew our way out. We were to smash the castle walls to smithereens ....</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-size: 11pt;">Now, keen as I am to free myself from imprisoning ideas (and liberating to believe we can), this stopped me in my imaginary tracks. I didn't want to react to my fears with violence. I guess I shouldn't have been surprised. General advice tells us to 'head into battle' with our fear - often in rousing imperial tones:</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-size: 11pt;"><i><span style="color: #4c4c4c;">'The first duty of man is to conquer fear; he must get rid of it, he cannot act till then.'</span> </i></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-size: 11pt;"><span style="color: #4c4c4c;"><i>- Thomas Carlyle (Victorian essayist)</i></span></span><br />
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<span style="color: black; font-size: 11pt;"><span style="color: #653080; font-size: 12pt;"><strong>Is it wise to 'conquer' fear?</strong></span> </span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-size: 11pt;">Yet fear has good reasons for being there. Like any emotion, fear is a messenger and will do its best to be heard. It will shout more loudly the less we listen. Unless we know how to listen, we end up in conflict with a part of ourselves that wants to protect us. This doesn't seem so wise.
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<li><span style="font-size: 11pt; font-weight: bold;">'Fighting' our fear makes us less wise, not more.</span></li>
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<span style="color: black; font-size: 11pt;"><span style="color: #653080; font-size: 12pt;"><strong>The positive message of fear</strong></span> </span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-size: 11pt;">The good news is that fear isn't just keeping us alert to what feels bad. It knows keenly and implicitly what <em>feels</em> good! </span></div>
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<li>Fear (also) points to what we do want - to ensure we get it<span style="font-size: 11pt;"> </span></li>
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</strong> If it's hard to listen to your fears, it's because you're merged or entangled with what you <em>do not want.</em> So remember: nothing inside us is there for a bad reason. If fear makes its presence felt strongly (in ways we find difficult to handle), it's because it's trying to catch our full, loving attention for good reasons.<br />
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So listen gently, take your time, and feel also what you <em>do want</em> - viscerally, not intellectually. Then you can feel the fear without 'falling into it'. You can trust the fear, and trust yourself. That's when the fear can start to trust you.<br />
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<li><strong>The more we listen, the easier it becomes to hear</strong></li>
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<span style="color: black; font-size: 11pt;">Try this: </span></div>
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<li>Sense what is your fear telling you about what you DO want? </li>
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<span style="color: black; font-size: 11pt;"><span style="color: black; font-size: 11pt;">(Safety, success, acceptance, security, love, freedom, vitality, life ... ?)</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #653080; font-size: 12pt;"><strong>Being kind to fear</strong></span> </div>
Sitting there in my conference seat, guess what? I did not visualise myself with an axe. Instead, I pondered how my fears are <em>fearful</em> ... they need empathy for their good reasons, not violence - even if I've outgrown them and can see that they're baseless. <br />
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That's when the visualisation suddenly changed. I found the walls of my castle melting by themselves, disintegrating into light.<br />
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Who knows what practical benefits this may bring (time will tell!). But I do know that my decision not to 'fight' my fear was important. It signifies another small step on the path to loving whatever is here within me - and so to loving whatever is there in others, too. <br />
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Although it's a less dramatic tale to tell than the warrior with his axe<span style="font-size: 11pt;">, this path of small steps is often the surest way to change. Each momentary kindness has its own value; a cumulative power in which fear melts away simply because it's no longer needed. </span></span><br />
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<li><span style="color: maroon;">Look back in your life for something you once feared which you now do easily, without effort</span> </li>
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<span style="color: black; font-size: 11pt;"><span style="color: #4c4c4c;">(For me, the confidence I now feel to perform in front of large audiences, where some years ago, I would have trembled even to think of it.)</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: black; font-size: 11pt;"><span style="color: #653080; font-size: 12pt;"><strong>The pathway to love</strong></span> </span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-size: 11pt;">When we face our fears with love, they naturally dissolve. In the process - actually <em>because of the process</em> - we find ourselves more able to love and accept ourselves and others, just as we are. And as love grows, we have less reason to fear.</span><br />
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<em>'What is needed, rather than running away or controlling or suppressing or any other resistance, is understanding fear; that means, watch it, learn about it, come directly into contact with it. We are to learn about fear, not how to escape from it.' </em> </div>
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<span style="color: #4c4c4c; font-size: 11pt;"><em>- Jiddu Krishnamurti</em></span> </div>
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If you wish, try this exercise:</div>
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<ul>
<li>Take time to note down a few of your own views and assumptions about yourself; things you feel you CAN'T do or have</li>
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<em><strong>I CAN'T ... </strong></em></div>
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For example: </div>
<ul>
<li style="color: #4c4c4c; font-size: 11pt;">I can't have the friends / family / love that I want ...</li>
<li style="color: #4c4c4c; font-size: 11pt;">I can't live where I want ...</li>
<li style="color: #4c4c4c; font-size: 11pt;">I can't achieve what I want (making money, a job etc) ...</li>
<li style="color: #4c4c4c; font-size: 11pt;">I can't fly to the moon ...</li>
</ul>
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<li>Now take time to feel what you CAN do instead. Wait until you feel this deeply, viscerally - so that is it not a second best, but comes with a warming glow, or a fresh, good energy:</li>
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<em><strong>BUT I CAN .... </strong></em></div>
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For example:</div>
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<li style="color: #4c4c4c; font-size: 11pt;">Value and love the friends and family I do have</li>
<li style="color: #4c4c4c; font-size: 11pt;">Enjoy where I live more</li>
<li style="color: #4c4c4c; font-size: 11pt;">Trust [these] abilities</li>
<li style="color: #4c4c4c; font-size: 11pt;">Dream about flying!</li>
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Elizabeth English</div>
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(With Peter Kuklis)</div>
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<strong><a href="http://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=7516826968322440651#top"><span style="color: #990000;">Back to top</span></a>
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Elizabeth English (Locana) – From Life at Workhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08514632336450423931noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7516826968322440651.post-22176644449563676002013-12-01T00:00:00.000+00:002013-12-01T00:00:04.853+00:00Q24: How can you stay merry this Christmas? - Terms and Conditions!<div style="font-size: 11pt; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">
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<em><span style="color: #990000; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Does your festive season run off love, merriment and fun - or do guilt and anger get in the way?</span></em></div>
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<strong style="color: #653080; font-size: 12pt;">Ideal conditions</strong></div>
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<span style="color: #2e2e2e; font-size: 11pt;">Here's a useful question for this time of year:</span></div>
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<li style="color: black;"><strong>What are your ideal conditions for being merry?</strong></li>
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<span style="color: #2e2e2e;">- and do your present conditions support you, or limit you?</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 11pt;">Apart from just enough</span><span style="font-size: 11pt;"> liquid refreshment, you might ask: </span><br />
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<span style="color: black; font-size: 11pt;"><span style="font-size: 11pt;"><em>'What are your conditions for happiness?'</em></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-size: 11pt;"><span style="font-size: 11pt;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="color: black; font-size: 11pt;"><span style="font-size: 11pt;">For example:</span></span></div>
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<li style="color: black; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;">Quality time with friends or family!</li>
<li style="color: black; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;">Not getting (or giving) the 'wrong presents'</li>
<li style="color: black; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;">Avoiding the annual argument with Uncle Bob!</li>
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<strong>'Index-linked' Happiness</strong></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;">So which of your conditions can you guarantee? Even though you can do your best to influence events, things are rarely rock-solid. So it's worth double-checking whether your happiness is 'index-linked':</span></div>
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<li style="color: maroon; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;"><span style="font-size: 11pt;">To what extent does your happiness rise and fall depending on factors you can't control or influence? </span></li>
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<span style="font-size: 11pt;">Naturally, we feel disappointed when our beautiful plans are scuppered by the unexpected; when our ideal conditions crumble</span>.... <span style="color: black; font-size: 11pt;">Precious quality time disappears because of travel problems, people inexplicably dislike our presents, or Uncle Bob is more than usually exasperating!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;">But do we need to lose our happiness altogether when things turn out as we don't expect?</span> </div>
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<span style="color: #653080; font-size: 12pt;"><strong>How the word 'should' adds stress ...</strong></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;">One of the greatest blows to happiness is the way our wishes become demands. We don't just <em>wish</em> for what we want or need - we think it <em>should happen</em>. It bites deeper if it doesn't: frustration and upset kick in. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;">For example: </span></div>
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<li style="color: black; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">People SHOULD make the effort to get here on time!</li>
<li style="color: black; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">I OUGHT to know which presents to get!</li>
<li style="color: black; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">I MUST NOT lose my rag with Uncle Bob!</li>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;">Our </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><em style="color: #2e2e2e; font-size: 11pt;">should's, ought's</em></span><span style="color: #2e2e2e; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;"> and </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><em style="color: #2e2e2e; font-size: 11pt;">must's</em></span><span style="color: #2e2e2e; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;"> put pressure on us because if things go wrong, it's somebody's 'fault'. We blame ourselves or others. Sometimes we do both together - creating a bitter 'guilt sandwich'.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #653080; font-size: 12pt;"><strong>The 'guilt sandwich'!</strong></span></div>
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<li style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;">We feel guilty - because 'we should have done things better'</li>
<li style="color: black; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 11pt;">We feel angry with others - because 'they should have done things better'</span></li>
<li style="color: black; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 11pt;">We feel guilty again for feeling guilty or angry!</span></li>
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<strong style="color: #653080; font-size: 12pt;">Making room for hidden wisdom</strong></div>
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<span style="font-size: 11pt;">How can we recoup our happiness now? By remembering that our <em>should's, ought's</em> and <em>must's</em> hold hidden wisdom. They tell us that we feel strongly about something. Hidden below the action (what we <em>do</em>), they point - sometimes passionately - </span><span style="font-size: 11pt;">towards the needs and values</span><span style="font-size: 11pt;"> we wish to protect (how we want to </span><em style="font-size: 11pt;">be</em><span style="font-size: 11pt;">).</span></div>
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<span style="color: black;">For example:</span> </div>
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<li style="color: black; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;">We <em>care </em><span style="font-size: 11pt;">about family and friends - for </span><span style="color: maroon; font-size: 11pt;">love</span><span style="font-size: 11pt;"> and </span><span style="color: maroon;">friendship</span> </li>
<li style="color: black; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;">We <em>want </em><span style="font-size: 11pt;">to give (and get) all the right presents - for </span><span style="color: maroon; font-size: 11pt;">fun</span><span style="font-size: 11pt;"> and </span><span style="color: maroon;">giving</span> </li>
<li style="color: black; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span style="color: black; font-size: 11pt;">We <em>sincerely wish</em> to be kind to our wayward relatives - for <span style="color: maroon;">peace </span></span><span style="font-size: 11pt;">and </span><span style="color: maroon; font-size: 11pt;">harmony</span></li>
</ul>
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<li style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;"><strong>Deep down, our 'shoulds' protect our needs and values</strong><span style="color: maroon; font-size: 11pt;"> </span></li>
</ul>
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<span style="color: maroon; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;">If you wish to explore your own conditions for happiness:</span></div>
<span style="color: maroon; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;">
</span><br />
<ul><span style="color: maroon; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;">
<li style="color: maroon;">Notice if your happiness depends on you, or another person, doing something in a particular way</li>
<li style="color: maroon;">Check out if you hold a <em>should</em> or <em>ought</em> about this</li>
<li style="color: maroon;">Now explore what needs or values your <em>should</em> or <em>ought</em> is trying to protect</li>
</span></ul>
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<span style="color: maroon; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;">This is how you discover the hidden wisdom of your <em>should's, ought's</em> and <em>must's</em>. But it's still only half the story. You still need to scoop up your 'lost parts'.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #653080; font-size: 12pt;"><strong>'Lost parts'</strong></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;">Lost parts are the bits that go missing when we judge something as (even slightly) <em>bad</em> or <em>wrong</em>. </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;">So when I said I should NOT raise my voice with Uncle Bob, </span><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;">what is 'lost' here are all the </span><em style="color: black; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;">good</em><em style="color: black; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;"> reasons</em><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;"> that I do raise my voice, despite my very best intentions.</span></div>
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Strange though it may seem, those good reasons do exist; it's just hard<span style="font-size: 11pt;"> to notice them (that's why they get lost). When I do something I don't like (such as getting annoyed with someone) I feel my own unmet needs </span>and values keenly - just as keenly, in fact, as when somebody else does something I don't like. I feel frustrated or upset or guilty - because what I care about hasn't happened (here,<span style="font-size: 11pt;"> being courteous, considerate and calm with my irascible relative ...). In this moment, I can't easily see any 'good reason' for raising my voice.</span></div>
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<div style="color: black; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">
<span style="font-size: 11pt;">So how do we spot our 'lost parts'?</span></div>
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<div style="color: black; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">
<span style="color: #653080; font-size: 12pt;"><strong>Recovering our Lost Parts</strong></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;">To recover our lost parts, we need to remember that:</span></div>
<ul>
<li style="color: #2e2e2e; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-top: 0px;" styleclass=" style_MainText"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;"><strong>E<em>very 'bad' action also contains a good reason - </em>the needs we were meeting (or trying to meet)</strong></span></li>
</ul>
<div style="color: maroon; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;">
<div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">
In your own example, search for the 'lost parts' inside your <em>should's</em>. </div>
<ul>
<li>What are the 'good reasons' this 'bad action' happens?</li>
<li style="color: maroon;"><span style="font-size: 11pt;">What needs were you / another person trying to meet?</span></li>
</ul>
</div>
<div style="color: black; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">
<span style="font-size: 11pt;">For example:</span></div>
<ul style="color: black;">
<li style="color: black; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 11pt;">When I lost it with Uncle Bob, I was standing up for what I thought was right, and trying to take care of the people he was criticising - because I value integrity, care, and consideration for others.</span></li>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;">The same goes for our <em>should's</em> and <em>ought's</em> about</span><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;"> other people:</span></div>
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<li style="color: black; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 11pt;">Those relatives who shouldn't arrive so late - they also have their 'good reasons' ... Perhaps they move slowly than we wish because they are busy, with over-excited kids ...?</span></li>
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This isn't about 'making excuses' for behaviour we don't like. It's about regaining our happiness and equanimity. <span style="font-size: 11pt;">If we lose sight of these good reasons, we lose vital parts of the picture. That's when we feel angry or guilty - or both. </span></div>
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When we recover the good reasons, empathy magically emerges, dissolving the difficulties, and making forgiveness possible.<span style="font-size: 11pt;"> We support our happiness with kindness and understanding. On every small occasion, we open the door a little wider to true merriment, independent of terms and conditions.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #653080; font-size: 12pt;"><strong>Terms and Conditions for Christmas!</strong></span></div>
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1. In the event of cancellation, exclusion, evasion, invasion - or any other unwonted scuppering of plans - you are still eligible for a full refund of happiness and merriment.</div>
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<span style="font-size: 11pt;">2. Happiness is subject to availability and may be changed or withdrawn without further notice <strong>UNLESS</strong>:</span></div>
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<li style="color: #653080; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 11pt;">Any 'should', 'ought' or 'must' is welcomed in, for its hidden wisdom!</span></li>
<li style="color: #653080; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 11pt;">All 'lost parts' are recovered, and greeted with empathy!</span></li>
<li style="color: #653080; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 11pt;">Any 'bad' action is seen also in the light of its good reasons!</span></li>
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<span style="color: #653080; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;">3. No rules apply this Christmas - including this one! </span></div>
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<span style="color: maroon; font-size: 11pt; text-align: center;">We wish all our readers a very Merry Christmas! </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 11pt; text-align: center;">Elizabeth English</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 11pt; text-align: center;">(With Peter Kuklis)</span><br />
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Elizabeth English (Locana) – From Life at Workhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08514632336450423931noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7516826968322440651.post-31945373537997616002013-11-01T00:00:00.000+00:002013-11-01T00:00:08.903+00:00Q23: Is it wise to say how you feel?<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" id="textEdit" style="margin: 1px 0px; width: 100%px;">
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<td align="left" style="color: maroon; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; margin-left: 30px; text-align: left;"><em style="font-size: 11pt;">As some of you will know, Peter often talks of 'scary honesty'. As I see so many people appreciating his sessions, I've asked Peter to give us his own take on how it helps to show our vulnerability - and his tips for ways to do it. </em></td>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgGN9_TscOh8EycWN_KWLPoFlqWRNE4aJf2lRA5V3Pp_iJlE8KsvF6hebKFaxgnHdHUmf7GXq7_JaS8XiXgmEtlbwKsib20xkghjwAzpJYZ-aIWZGpPu6mxsv_gZjYhOykIGuCmHm8hvYj4/s1600/me+2013.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgGN9_TscOh8EycWN_KWLPoFlqWRNE4aJf2lRA5V3Pp_iJlE8KsvF6hebKFaxgnHdHUmf7GXq7_JaS8XiXgmEtlbwKsib20xkghjwAzpJYZ-aIWZGpPu6mxsv_gZjYhOykIGuCmHm8hvYj4/s200/me+2013.jpg" width="174" /></a></div>
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<span style="color: maroon; font-size: 12pt;"><strong><a href="http://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=7516826968322440651" name="top2" shape="rect" style="color: maroon;">Peter says:</a></strong></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-size: 11pt;"><a href="http://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=7516826968322440651" name="top2" shape="rect"><img alt="top2" src="https://imgssl.constantcontact.com/ui/images1/visualeditor/icon_anchortag.gif" title="top2" /></a>Revealing nakedly to somebody how we feel may sound scary, and the least likely option to lead to a connection - especially in moments when we don't feel at ease. Yet, admitting to ourselves that we're scared, tired or despairing could be just what it takes for our connections to deepen.</span></div>
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<span style="color: maroon; font-size: 11pt; text-align: center;"><span style="color: #653080; font-size: 12pt;"><strong>How open are you?</strong></span> </span></div>
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<span style="color: maroon; font-size: 11pt; text-align: center;"><span style="color: black;">I was listening to a radio broadcast recently in which three renowned actors were asked the same question: '<em>Do you ever experience stage fright?</em>'</span> </span></div>
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<li align="left" style="color: black; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span style="color: black;">The first actor (in what I heard as a friendly, jovial voice), said that of course he does and it doesn't seem to matter for how long he's been acting already, it's always there. There's the usual tightness in his throat and shakiness in the body, and he checks his props several times, though he knows they're there. He also said that within minutes on the stage, the fright goes. </span></li>
<li align="left" style="color: black; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span style="color: black; font-size: 11pt;">The second actor re-framed stage fright as 'responsibility'. She doesn't feel stage fright, she said. What she feels is the responsibility to represent her role well; and she went on to talk about her next big part. </span></li>
<li align="left" style="color: black; text-align: left;"><span style="color: black; font-size: 11pt;">The third actor threw the question right back (in what I interpreted as a rather upset, harsh voice). <em>'What is stage fright?'</em> - he doesn't know it. Either you rehearse well, or you shouldn't be on the stage. Period.</span></li>
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<span style="color: #653080; font-size: 12pt;"><strong><br />Who would you like to talk to?</strong></span> </div>
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<span style="color: black;">For a moment, I imagined myself as a fellow actor sharing a dressing room with these three. Which of them would I feel the most at ease with? How would it feel to tell them a cherished hope or niggling fear? </span> </div>
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<li align="left" style="color: maroon; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;">Who would you choose - and why?</li>
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<span style="color: black; font-size: 11pt;">At least from this short interview, I'd choose the first. I'd like to be with someone with whom I don't need to be perfect; where, <em>it's okay not to be okay</em>. Since he's able to acknowledge his own fears openly, I guess he'd be able to take in mine; that being open about himself, he'd be open to me too.</span><br />
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<span style="color: black;">With the other actors, I'm less sure. The woman may wish to be supportive, but I suspect she'd hand me a dose of worthy advice (which I couldn't live up to!). The final actor seems likely to simply contradict what I feel. Both would imply in some way that I <em>shouldn't</em> be feeling what I'm feeling - because that's what they imply about themselves.</span><br />
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<span style="color: #653080; font-size: 12pt;"><strong>Being vulnerable or weak?</strong></span> </div>
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<span style="color: black;">Of course, if I choose to share my feelings, I'm vulnerable to all sorts of different responses - some of which I may not like. Is there any way around this?</span><br />
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<span style="color: black;">Since we all feel difficulty and pain at times, we are all vulnerable at times. What counts is how we deal with our vulnerability.</span><br />
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<span style="color: black;">At best, we make space for what we feel. When we can acknowledge what we fear without feeling ashamed or guilty (or blaming anyone else for making us feel that way) - it becomes OKAY not to be okay. (<em>'I do experience stage fright and I'm okay telling you about it!')</em> That's when we can hear the positive message of our feelings. (<em>Perhaps stage fright is a signal that what I am about to do matters to me; that I want to feel safe as I stand up before you all ...)</em></span><br />
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<span style="color: black;">But sometimes, we make life much harder:</span> <span style="font-size: 11pt;"> </span></div>
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<strong>Adding judgements to what we feel </strong> </div>
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When we experience something difficult or painful, we think we <em>shouldn't</em> feel like this. We may add judgements to our feelings.<br />
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<strong>Labelling what we feel</strong><br />
Our judgements often appear as labels like <em>idiotic, daft, oversensitive</em> ... (you can fill in yours). Sometimes this is a pre-emptive strike - to stop other people labelling us first! <br />
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<strong>Labelling ourselves as 'weak'</strong><br />
A very common label is 'weak' - perhaps because, as a feeling, 'weak' is so close to 'vulnerable'. And who wants to be weak? With such a powerful criticism around, no wonder if we fear sharing our feelings with another person. Or we dress them up in worthier costumes (<em>'responsibility'</em>, perhaps); or dismiss them as unnecessary or unfounded (<em>'Stage fright? Never!</em>) <br />
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<strong>Welcoming our experience</strong><br />
It's very understandable that we want to get rid of aspects of ourselves that we don't like. So often, life teaches us that it's <em>not okay, not to feel okay</em>. It takes strength and courage to recognise when those parts of ourselves are around. It means admitting to ourselves, and perhaps to others, that we are in difficulties; that we feel pain; that we are vulnerable.<br />
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So here are my tips for welcoming what we experience: for making it <em>OKAY not to be okay</em> - if that's what is honestly happening: </div>
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<li align="left" style="text-align: left;"><span style="color: maroon;"><em>First, bring to mind an UNCOMFORTABLE area in your life (such as worries about work, performance, being respected, liked or loved ...)</em></span></li>
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<li align="left" style="color: black; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: 11pt;">Say to yourself (or write out) what you think about it (don't censor your words - be as outrageous as you wish!)</span></li>
<li align="left" style="color: black; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;">Sit back, pause, and check out your feelings - check out the tightness and shakiness inside</li>
<li align="left" style="color: black; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;">See if there is more that needs to come ... feelings or thoughts about your feelings (such as fear or anger)</li>
<li align="left" style="color: black; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;">Now look for the 'good reasons' for your feelings - what has gone missing for you so far?</li>
<li align="left" style="color: black; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;">What are your needs, longings and deepest values connected with this scenario?</li>
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This is your vulnerability ... it's what matters most to you. If it feels right, welcome it. <br />
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Would you tell anyone how you feel? That's up to you (and how safe you feel) - but I do believe that even if you didn't say a word, you'd be better able to embrace your vulnerability. And that will open the doors to a more open and honest connection with others.<br />
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Remember: </div>
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<li align="left" style="color: black; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><strong>You don't need to know what to do with your feelings to acknowledge they are there!</strong></li>
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<span style="font-size: 11pt;">Often, like stage fright, our feelings shift or melt away a short time after we've acknowledged them. The next step follows naturally. </span><br />
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Peter Kuklis<br />
(With Elizabeth English)<br />
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The words of Eugene Gendlin (who originated the practice Focusing) capture the essence of welcoming and feeling our experience - and the potential of doing so:<br />
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<span style="color: #4c4c4c;"><em>What is split off, not felt, remains the same. When it is felt, it changes. Most people don't know this! They think that by not permitting the feeling of their negative ways they make themselves good. On the contrary, that keeps these negatives static, the same from year to year.</em> A few moments of feeling it in your body allows it to change. If there is in you something that is bad, sick, or unsound, let it inwardly be and breathe. That's the only way it can evolve and change into the form it needs.</span> <br />
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<span style="color: black; font-size: 11pt;"><em>Let Your Body Interpret Your Dreams</em> (Wilmette, Illinois: Chiron Publications, 1968), p.178. Emphasis in the original.</span></div>
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Elizabeth English (Locana) – From Life at Workhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08514632336450423931noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7516826968322440651.post-8603441635878520792013-10-01T18:06:00.000+01:002013-09-30T18:08:56.695+01:00Q22: How can I say, "You've got bad breath?"<table border="0" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" id="textEdit" style="margin: 1px 0px; width: 100%px;">
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<i style="font-size: 11pt;">Yes, someone actually asked me - because her new romance depended on saying it well. When we have 'negative' feedback, however constructive, we may feel understandably wary of giving it straight. What can we do to make it easier?</i></div>
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<span style="color: #653080; font-size: 12pt;"><b>The 'sandwich method'</b></span><span style="color: #653080; font-size: 11pt;"> </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: 11pt;">Let's start by looking at the whole issue of feedback. Many people suggest placing a criticism in between two positive statements: the so-called 'sandwich method'. I'm all for appreciation, but there's a problem. It's too easily reduced to: </span></div>
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<span style="color: maroon; font-size: 11pt; text-align: center;">Nice / </span><span style="color: maroon; font-size: 14pt; text-align: center;"><b>Nasty</b></span><span style="color: maroon; font-size: 11pt; text-align: center;"> / Nice</span></div>
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<li style="font-size: 11pt;">Our positive opening is lost because the other person guesses we also have a criticism. Don't ask me how - they just <i>know</i> it's on the way!</li>
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<li style="font-size: 11pt;">The closing appreciation is lost because they're still recovering from the 'nasty' news in the middle.</li>
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<li style="font-size: 11pt;">Our 'nasty' feedback is drowned out by our attempts to be positive - as in:</li>
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<span style="color: maroon; font-size: 12pt;"><b>NICE</b></span><span style="color: maroon; font-size: 11pt;"> / </span><span style="color: maroon; font-size: 9pt;">(ahem, sorry ... nasty)</span><span style="color: maroon; font-size: 11pt;"> / </span><b style="color: maroon; font-size: 12pt; text-align: left;">NICE</b></div>
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<div style="color: #2e2e2e; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt; margin-left: 30px;" styleclass=" style_MainText">
<span style="color: #4c4c4c; font-size: 11pt;"><i> "You're a wonderful person. If it wasn't for your bad breath, I'd really fancy you. I mean, you've got gorgeous eyes!"</i></span><br />
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #2e2e2e; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;" styleclass=" style_MainText">
<span style="font-size: 11pt;">The poor recipient has no time to savour being wonderful before being hit by the embarrassing news. Reeling, he scarcely registers that he's got sex appeal and gorgeous eyes; or she dismisses your positive words as an attempt to save her feelings. The appreciation simply gets lost.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: 11pt;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="color: #2e2e2e; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;" styleclass=" style_MainText">
<span style="color: #653080; font-size: 12pt;"><b>We feel bad when others feel bad </b></span><br />
<span style="color: #653080; font-size: 12pt;"><b><br /></b></span></div>
<div style="color: #2e2e2e; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;" styleclass=" style_MainText">
<div style="font-size: 11pt;">
There are other problems too. Sometimes, we race to say 'nice things' because we want to save another person's feelings:</div>
<div style="font-size: 11pt;">
<i>We feel bad about others feeling bad</i>. So our 'feedback sandwich' turns more squidgy and unpalatable than ever:</div>
<div style="font-size: 11pt;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-size: 11pt;">
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<span style="color: #4c4c4c; text-decoration: underline;">I SAY:</span></div>
</td>
<td style="color: #2e2e2e; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; height: 25px; vertical-align: top; width: 210px; word-break: break-all; word-wrap: break-word;"><div align="left" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #4c4c4c; text-decoration: underline;">OTHER PERSON THINKS: </span></div>
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<span style="color: #4c4c4c;">"I don't want you to feel bad!" </span></div>
</td>
<td style="color: #2e2e2e; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; height: 25px; vertical-align: top; width: 210px; word-break: break-all; word-wrap: break-word;"><div align="left" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #4c4c4c;">= Now I feel bad.</span></div>
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<td style="color: #2e2e2e; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; height: 25px; vertical-align: top; width: 208px; word-break: break-all; word-wrap: break-word;"><div>
<span style="color: #4c4c4c;">
</span><br />
<div>
<span style="color: #4c4c4c;">"It's not <i>ALL</i> of the time!"</span></div>
<span style="color: #4c4c4c;">
</span></div>
</td>
<td style="color: #2e2e2e; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; height: 25px; vertical-align: top; width: 210px; word-break: break-all; word-wrap: break-word;"><div>
<span style="color: #4c4c4c;">
</span><br />
<div>
<span style="color: #4c4c4c;">= So it's just <i>MOST</i> of the time?</span></div>
<span style="color: #4c4c4c;">
</span></div>
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<td style="color: #2e2e2e; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; height: 25px; vertical-align: top; width: 208px; word-break: break-all; word-wrap: break-word;"><div>
<span style="color: #4c4c4c;">"The rest was fantastic!"</span></div>
</td>
<td style="color: #2e2e2e; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; height: 25px; vertical-align: top; width: 210px; word-break: break-all; word-wrap: break-word;"><div align="left" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #4c4c4c;">= My one massive error ruined everything...</span></div>
</td>
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</tbody>
</table>
<br />
<span style="font-size: 11pt;">At this point, some people resort to clever ruses, like our reader who had romantic hopes. She writes:</span></div>
</div>
<div style="color: #2e2e2e; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;" styleclass=" style_MainText">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #2e2e2e; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;" styleclass=" style_MainText">
<ul>
<li style="color: #4c4c4c;"><span style="font-size: 11pt;">
<div>
"<i style="font-size: 11pt;">A friend suggested asking, "Have you been eating garlic?" which she'd tried out on her beauty therapist, who had felt a bit uncomfortable.... She also suggested having mints to hand so the person can do something about their breath instantly. But when I tried this on another unsuspecting friend (who didn't have bad breath at all), she nearly died of embarrassment and it took me several goes to let her know that I was just practising saying something difficult - oops!"</i></div>
</span></li>
</ul>
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #2e2e2e; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;" styleclass=" style_MainText">
<span style="font-size: 11pt;">I admit I never feel comfortable using stratagems or ploys. However well-intentioned, it makes me feel devious. Nor does it increase my sense of connection with the other person. I'd be concentrating so hard on the stratagem that I'd no longer be fully present. I have more faith in communication which is wholehearted and spontaneous.</span><br />
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #2e2e2e; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;" styleclass=" style_MainText">
<span style="color: #653080; font-size: 12pt;"><b>Safety precautions </b></span><br />
<span style="color: #653080; font-size: 12pt;"><b><br /></b></span></div>
<div style="color: #2e2e2e; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;" styleclass=" style_MainText">
<span style="font-size: 11pt;">Yet if we're being spontaneous, a few safety precautions may help - especially if it's our feelings that are uppermost. Feelings quickly grab another person's attention, but they often alarm them too:</span><br />
<br /></div>
<ul>
<li style="color: #4c4c4c; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="font-size: 11pt;">
<div>
YOU: <i style="font-size: 11pt;">I'm feeling worried... </i></div>
</span></li>
<li class="ccStyleSelect" style="color: #4c4c4c; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;"><span style="font-size: 15px;">OTHER: <i>Well, don't blame me! They're YOUR feelings!</i></span></li>
</ul>
<div style="color: #989898; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">
<span style="color: #2e2e2e; font-size: 11pt;">Of course, expressing feelings is often very helpful (to us and the other person). Our feelings are always present in some form; and if we don't say what they are, other people may assume they know what we are feeling (judgements we may not agree with!). </span></div>
<div style="color: #2e2e2e; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;" styleclass=" style_MainText">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #2e2e2e; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;" styleclass=" style_MainText">
<span style="font-size: 11pt;">So another way forward is to mention our feelings, and then quickly build in the <a href="http://lifeatworknow.blogspot.co.uk/2013/07/tip-11-how-to-stop-bickering.html#more" linktype="1" shape="rect" style="color: #004db4; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank" track="on">'good reasons' (Tip 11) </a>for those feelings - the value or need which has gone missing, and so caused our feelings:</span><br />
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #2e2e2e; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;" styleclass=" style_MainText">
<ul>
<li style="color: #4c4c4c;"><span style="font-size: 11pt;"><i>"I'm feeling worried because I truly want you to know how much I like you, and yet there's something I'd like to say... "</i></span></li>
</ul>
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #2e2e2e; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;" styleclass=" style_MainText">
<span style="color: #653080; font-size: 12pt;"><b>Speaking with 'no edge' </b></span><br />
<span style="font-size: 11pt;">Whatever we say, the most important thing is that we speak without any 'edge'; without any sharp, cross, self-righteous or defensive tone. If there's any edge to our voice, the other person will hear it. It's important to take away all judgement or blame from our thoughts and feelings before we speak. This means being free of those niggling thoughts and feelings altogether</span><i style="font-size: 11pt;"> in ourselves</i><span style="font-size: 11pt;">. A tall order!</span><br />
<span style="font-size: 11pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="color: #2e2e2e; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;" styleclass=" style_MainText">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #2e2e2e; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;" styleclass=" style_MainText">
<span style="color: #653080; font-size: 12pt;"><b>Being wholehearted and spontaneous</b></span><br />
<span style="color: #653080; font-size: 12pt;"><b> </b></span><span style="font-size: 11pt;">So being honest, wholehearted and spontaneous is easier said than done. Sometimes - despite all my interest in communication - I just can't find the right words. At those times, I reckon it's because I'm not ready.</span></div>
<div style="color: #2e2e2e; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;" styleclass=" style_MainText">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #2e2e2e; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;" styleclass=" style_MainText">
<span style="font-size: 11pt;">Faced with a difficult situation, we all need time to settle and calm; to be kind to ourselves. The principle is:</span><br />
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #2e2e2e; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;" styleclass=" style_MainText">
<ul>
<li style="color: #2e2e2e;"><span style="font-size: 11pt;"><b>The happier you feel about speaking, the easier it is for the other person to hear you</b></span></li>
</ul>
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #2e2e2e; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;" styleclass=" style_MainText">
<span style="font-size: 11pt;">You'll know when you're ready to speak, because you'll naturally avoid negative judgements. You'll feel free and easy in what you say - and able to move QUICKLY onto the other person's ground (<i>at any point in the process</i>).</span><br />
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #2e2e2e; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;" styleclass=" style_MainText">
<span style="font-size: 11pt;">Now you can say in your own words what's bothering you.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: 11pt;"><br /></span>
</div>
<div style="color: #2e2e2e; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;" styleclass=" style_MainText">
<span style="color: #653080; font-size: 12pt;"><b>"You've got bad breath!" </b></span><br />
<span style="font-size: 11pt;">But I'm sorry! It's just impossible for me to say exactly how I'd tell someone they have bad breath. The best approach will be you, spontaneous and caring, in your own way, your own words or gestures - all of which will depend on who you are talking to, when and where....</span></div>
<div style="color: #2e2e2e; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;" styleclass=" style_MainText">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #2e2e2e; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;" styleclass=" style_MainText">
<span style="color: #2e2e2e; font-size: 11pt;">Instead, here are a few tips in summary:</span><br />
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #2e2e2e; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;" styleclass=" style_MainText">
<span style="color: maroon; font-size: 11pt;">1. Speak without any 'edge'! </span>
<br />
<ul>
<li style="color: #2e2e2e;"><span style="font-size: 11pt;">Remember: any unprocessed ('difficult') feeling inside us is likely to come across to other people as anger, blame or aggression</span></li>
</ul>
</div>
<div style="color: #2e2e2e; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;" styleclass=" style_MainText">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #2e2e2e; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;" styleclass=" style_MainText">
<span style="color: maroon; font-size: 11pt;">2. Empathy before education (time and space for the other person)</span><br />
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #2e2e2e; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;" styleclass=" style_MainText">
<ul>
<li style="color: #2e2e2e;"><span style="font-size: 11pt;">Create a real listening space to hear 'their side', and empathise first with all those<a href="http://lifeatworknow.blogspot.co.uk/2013/07/tip-11-how-to-stop-bickering.html#more" linktype="1" shape="rect" style="color: #004db4; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank" track="on"> 'good reasons' </a>for their behaviour</span></li>
</ul>
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #2e2e2e; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;" styleclass=" style_MainText">
<span style="color: maroon; font-size: 11pt;">3. Signal! </span></div>
<div style="color: #2e2e2e; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;" styleclass=" style_MainText">
<ul>
<li style="color: #2e2e2e;"><span style="font-size: 11pt;">Maybe start gently; estimate size and length of time needed:</span></li>
</ul>
</div>
<div style="color: #2e2e2e; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt; margin-left: 30px;" styleclass=" style_MainText">
<span style="color: #4c4c4c; font-size: 11pt;"><i>"Have you got a moment to talk something over? It's not a big matter, but it is worrying me..."</i></span><br />
<br />
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #2e2e2e; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;" styleclass=" style_MainText">
<span style="color: #653080; font-size: 12pt;"><b>Now appreciation flows! </b></span></div>
<div style="color: #2e2e2e; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;" styleclass=" style_MainText">
<span style="font-size: 11pt;">Only when the other person feels our genuine empathy is it worth offering them appreciation. Before then, our efforts may be wasted. So I suggest we ditch the classic 'sandwich method', and offer our positive comments separately! Only then can we give full value to the appreciation. Usually, it flows spontaneously once the challenging part of the conversation is over. </span><br />
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #2e2e2e; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;" styleclass=" style_MainText">
<span style="font-size: 11pt;">Good luck!</span><br />
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #2e2e2e; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;" styleclass=" style_MainText">
<span style="font-size: 11pt;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">
<span style="font-size: 11pt;">By Elizabeth English</span></div>
<span style="font-size: 11pt;">
</span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">
<span style="font-size: 11pt;">with Peter Kuklis</span><br />
<span style="font-size: 11pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: 11pt;"><br /></span></div>
<span style="font-size: 11pt;">
</span>
<br />
<div style="color: #2e2e2e; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;" styleclass=" style_MainText">
</div>
<span style="font-size: 11pt;">
</span></div>
<div style="color: #2e2e2e; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;" styleclass=" style_MainText">
<span style="color: maroon; font-size: 11pt;"><i>Further tips: </i></span></div>
<div style="color: #2e2e2e; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;" styleclass=" style_MainText">
<span style="font-size: 11pt;">"I" phrases shown in <a href="http://lifeatworknow.blogspot.co.uk/2013/02/q-15-love-love-me-do-what-can-we-learn.html" linktype="1" shape="rect" style="color: #004db4; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank" track="on">Q15 </a></span></div>
<div style="color: #2e2e2e; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;" styleclass=" style_MainText">
<span style="font-size: 11pt;">Hot tips for appreciation, <a href="http://lifeatworknow.blogspot.co.uk/2012/08/tip-7-hot-tips-for-warm-words.html" linktype="1" shape="rect" style="color: #004db4; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank" track="on">TIP 7</a></span><br />
<br /></div>
<div>
<div style="color: black; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">
<span style="text-decoration: underline;"><a href="http://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=7516826968322440651#top" linktype="anchor" shape="rect" style="color: maroon; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none;">Back to top</a>.</span></div>
</div>
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</table>
Elizabeth English (Locana) – From Life at Workhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08514632336450423931noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7516826968322440651.post-45745950668038372482013-09-01T00:30:00.000+01:002013-09-01T00:30:01.592+01:00Q21: How do you cope with change? (Gmail users, that's you!) <br />
<h4>
<a href="" name="top"></a>
<span style="color: #674ea7; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>Important note for Gmail users: </i></span></h4>
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">If you're one of the estimated 150-300 million Gmail users, did you know that Google is making global changes that may affect you? There's a new in-box system which may make it hard to see emails such as this one. But help is at hand! I've asked social media expert,</span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> <a href="http://www.linkd.in/mattheselden" target="_blank"><span style="color: blue;">Matt Heselden</span></a><span style="color: #444444;">, </span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #666666;">for his tips on re-jigging your Google settings - </span><a href="http://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=7516826968322440651#gmail"><span style="color: blue;">See below</span><span style="color: #666666;">.</span></a></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i style="background-color: white;">But what if the change is much bigger than changed email settings? Suppose you suddenly lose your role in a team, or friends or family move away, or you unexpectedly fall in love? To meet any sort of change resourcefully, you must change too.</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<h3>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #741b47;">Elizabeth's tips for everyone:</span></span></h3>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The process of change is famously stressful for the (almost circular) reason that we don't like feelings of stress. Why is this, and what can we do about it?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"></span><br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
<h4>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #674ea7; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">1. Pause and pause again</span></h4>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">When change happens, we don't know at once how those changes will affect us. So our feelings take time to catch up. They form at the pace they need. But when we don't know what we're feeling (because our feelings aren't yet clear or settled enough), it's easy to panic or feel overwhelmed. The cure is to become genuinely fascinated in how even sad, spiky or unsettled feelings actually feel. When we truly '<i>feel</i> a feeling', it starts to relax and dissolve, as if it's relieved to be seen and heard: </span><br />
<br />
<ul>
<li><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Instead of:</span></li>
</ul>
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #666666;"> "OMG - help! WHAT's happening here?!!"</span> </span><br />
<br />
<ul>
<li><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Try:</span></li>
</ul>
<br />
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> "Hello, how curious! My feelings are stirring (uncomfortably!). </span><br />
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> What do they want me to know?"</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<h4>
<span style="color: #674ea7; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">2. Thank your feelings - even 'difficult' ones </span></h4>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">No feeling is essentially 'bad'. An immediate surge of irritation or dismay (or excitement if the change is nice) may not be the 'final word' from your feelings. Often, it's a first-alert message asking you to take stock, and protect your needs. So try not to get flustered and start criticising yourself (or others). Your feelings are asking you to slow down; to register something important.</span><br />
<br />
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #741b47;">Instead of:</span></span></li>
</ul>
<br />
<span style="color: #666666;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> "Why do these things always happen to me?" OR </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"I shouldn't get so stressed!"</span></span><br />
<br />
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #741b47;">Try:</span></span></li>
</ul>
<br />
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> "These feelings want to make sure I'm okay - that my needs will still be met."</span><br />
<br />
<h4>
<span style="color: #674ea7; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">3. Check out your needs</span></h4>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">At root, feelings tell us that an event is either 'nice' or 'nasty'. Something in us (perhaps only one small aspect of ourselves) either likes what's happening - or it doesn't. Whether our feelings make up their minds instantaneously, or keep us awake at night, their wisdom is the same: they know when our needs are under threat, and they know when our needs are met. Feelings are there to protect us.</span><br />
<br />
<ul>
<li><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Instead of:</span></li>
</ul>
<br />
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> "How come I'm so indecisive?" OR "I should be more positive!"</span><br />
<br />
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #741b47;">Try:</span></span></li>
</ul>
<br />
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> Exploring the needs which you imagine may NOT be met by the changes. </span><br />
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> Allow yourself to consider the WORST of it all! That's often what's underneath the worry.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">For example, which needs would <b>go missing</b> for you if ...?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Unexpected jobs land on your plate (such as changing settings in Gmail)</span></li>
<ul>
<li><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Ease, relaxation, clarity, choice and consultation ...?</span></li>
</ul>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">You suddenly lose a role you value because a new manager decides it's unnecessary</span></li>
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #741b47;">Empathy, recognition, purpose, security ...?</span></span></li>
</ul>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">You unexpectedly fall in love!</span></li>
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #741b47;">Firm ground beneath your feet, certainty, your autonomy and freedom ...?</span></span></li>
</ul>
</ul>
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Although particular changes may be large or small, the needs that they address are always significant. Consider if there's anything you can do to sustain these needs and bring them to life in other ways. Sometimes your simple acknowledgement is enough. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">If you enjoy positive thinking, you might also try:</span><br />
<br />
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Listing all those needs which you imagine WILL be met, even by seemingly difficult changes.</span></li>
</ul>
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The answers may be surprisingly reassuring. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<h4>
<span style="color: #674ea7; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">4. If none of this works - try laughing!</span></h4>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Somewhere inside us we all know: change is inevitable. If we forget this, change becomes a battleground between the way we wish things to be, and the way they actually are. The wider this gap is, the more we suffer when changes are afoot.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Yet, taking a step back, we may notice our human tendencies at work. We catch ourselves resisting the irresistible. Seeing this, we might even laugh affectionately at ourselves; at human nature itself. Love and laughter help to close the gap. Laughter is wise. It reminds us of what we deeply know, and takes away the (sometimes exhausting) effort to understand. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">By Elizabeth English</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">with Peter Kuklis </span><br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=7516826968322440651#top"><span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Back to top.</span></a><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">***** ***** ***** </span><br />
<a href="" name="gmail"></a>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<h3>
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Matt's tips for Gmail users: </span></h3>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Hi, </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I'm <a href="http://www.linkd.in/mattheselden" target="_blank">Matt</a>, a freelance social media manager. Elizabeth has asked me for my tips on the changes in Google Mail.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">If you're using Gmail, the chances are you'll have seen (or will soon see) changes to your Google inbox. These changes are helpful as Google now sorts your emails for you automatically, allowing you to focus on the emails you want to read - and to ignore those you don't. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> </span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiejxd19xbf5uhSYIUMwhg0oS90ltVwf_JJhThyphenhyphen-zWcbb7FfmZJ4DG51EwM8lRIyLYJ_eP2n4wtPMqpeASfCpVrQMfbuH8UJ1_CUi7Z3h-JJlmQP_4X3T1b7eWPApBBQcsO8jpJJ89q4p__/s1600/Google+Tabs.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="140" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiejxd19xbf5uhSYIUMwhg0oS90ltVwf_JJhThyphenhyphen-zWcbb7FfmZJ4DG51EwM8lRIyLYJ_eP2n4wtPMqpeASfCpVrQMfbuH8UJ1_CUi7Z3h-JJlmQP_4X3T1b7eWPApBBQcsO8jpJJ89q4p__/s640/Google+Tabs.jpg" width="640" /></a></span></div>
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">BUT this means that Elizabeth's newsletter may be classified as promotional and go into the Promotions inbox ('<b>Promotions Tab</b>') without you ever seeing it. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So if you want to make sure you continue receiving her <i>Life at Work </i>bulletin (or other sign-ups you choose to receive), here are my tips:</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<h4>
<span style="color: #674ea7; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">1. Know what you want</span></h4>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Tell Google you want to read emails from a specific person or organisation and have it delivered to your main inbox - the '<b>Primary tab</b>'. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">To do this:</span><br />
<br />
<ul>
<li><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Click on the '<b>Promotions tab</b>' (this is one of five separate inboxes Google now gives you)</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Drag Elizabeth's email into the '<b>Primary tab</b>' (now all future <i>Life at Work</i> emails will show up there)</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Do the same for any other newsletter or organisation you choose to hear from regularly</span></li>
</ul>
<h4>
<span style="color: #674ea7; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></h4>
<h4>
<span style="color: #674ea7; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">2. Like what you see</span></h4>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Now turn to Settings:</span><br />
<br />
<ul>
<li><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Turn off <b>Tab sorting</b></span></li>
<li><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Save</b> your new settings</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Switch back to the old inbox view</span></li>
</ul>
<h4>
<span style="color: #674ea7; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></h4>
<h4>
<span style="color: #674ea7; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">3. Tweeters! Logon to Twitter </span></h4>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Elizabeth will tweet the moment her newsletter is published so you'll know when to expect it. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><a href="http://www.linkd.in/mattheselden" target="_blank">Connect with Matt on LinkedIn</a></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<a href="http://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=7516826968322440651#top"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color: blue;">Back to top</span>.</span></a>Elizabeth English (Locana) – From Life at Workhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08514632336450423931noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7516826968322440651.post-10885469888477861212013-08-01T15:39:00.000+01:002013-09-30T18:12:55.133+01:00Q20: Who's running your conversations? <br />
<span style="color: #990000; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>I've just returned from <a href="http://www.dhanakosa.com/" target="_blank">Dhanakosa</a>, a beautiful retreat centre in wonderfully sunny Scotland. We were leading a retreat with the theme, 'Who's Living your Life?' It made me wonder about communication: 'Who's speaking?' Who chooses to say what, and when? Who's in charge?</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"></span><br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Do you ever feel impelled to argue, appease, judge, persuade or please? Are these the voices inside you that shape your conversations? With so much interference on the line - so many pressures from within and without - how can we put across what we (really) want to say, in ways that others are able to hear? </span><br />
<br />
<h3>
<span style="color: #990000; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Recognising our choices </span></h3>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Let's begin with our choices. Conversations are made up of choices, moment by moment decisions - each of which affects what happens next. For example, what choice would you make here?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<blockquote>
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">YOU: I'm so sorry I can't manage that. I'm just too busy today.</span></blockquote>
<blockquote>
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">OTHER: What's so special about you? We're all busy here!</span></blockquote>
<blockquote>
<span style="color: #666666; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">YOU: ... ... ... </span></blockquote>
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Do you speak up, empathise or something else (walk away, perhaps)? And to what extent would that be your conscious choice?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Sometimes, it's hard to acknowledge that we do have a choice: </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<ul>
<li><span style="color: #666666; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"I was forced to walk out - he was so rude to me."</span></li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><span style="color: #666666; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"She gave me no choice but to shout back."</span></li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><span style="color: #666666; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"I had to laugh!"</span></li>
</ul>
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">When we say (or imply) that we have 'no choice', it usually means we're doing what comes to mind in the moment. Probably, we don't know what else we can do. Either other options feel beyond us (like de-escalating an angry person, or replying calmly if we are furious); or every choice looks bad. A traditional highwayman offers clear alternatives - '<i>Your money or your life!'</i> - they just aren't options we care for. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The principle is:</span><br />
<br />
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>We always have a choice (even if we don't like, or understand, the alternative)</b></span></li>
</ul>
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The more choices we acknowledge, the more options we have in sticky moments; and the more we're able to stay in charge of our conversations. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<h3>
<span style="color: #990000; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Three choices</span></h3>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">There are, of course, thousands of ways to create connection - but we can boil them down to just three: we speak, listen - or neither! These choices help us stay grounded and confident in a conversation, because they provide a method for deciding between the different voices inside ourselves, and the different voices in the room.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1ZtWp9n-dYa-dEaEolz2yfxLHKR-zvMV006Gs8yddd2geNCm2Q0LjyJP3TJFkmkhgRdMPChgN55zaXmewMayn1IvZQT4ElK7rnqtd6S-hiNgzPlXsJdc2WJeUAWvpdfEw8flb_G7xFEou/s1600/choice2small.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1ZtWp9n-dYa-dEaEolz2yfxLHKR-zvMV006Gs8yddd2geNCm2Q0LjyJP3TJFkmkhgRdMPChgN55zaXmewMayn1IvZQT4ElK7rnqtd6S-hiNgzPlXsJdc2WJeUAWvpdfEw8flb_G7xFEou/s1600/choice2small.jpg" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Expressing ourselves ('<i>on my ground</i>'):</b> We speak from and for ourselves; we express what matters to us. We place our attention on our own ground. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<blockquote>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Here, we have the opportunity to be fully heard and understood, and to engage other people's interest, trust and willingness in what we propose. Problems happen when we overemphasise our own concerns by riding roughshod over other people's; or when we understate and undervalue our own, leaving ourselves nowhere to stand. In either case, however loudly we protest, we no longer have an effective voice.</span></blockquote>
<b style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></b>
<b style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Receiving others ('<i>on their ground</i>'):</b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> We engage with others on their ground. We place our attention on them, on what they say or do from their perspective. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<blockquote>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Here, we give other people the chance to be heard and understood without judgement. Although they're speaking, we are still an active player in the conversation. We never 'lose control' by listening. The danger lies in thinking we're receiving when we're doing something subtly different; or doing several things at once (such as listening and working out what we'll say next!). This is when we lose our way, and our choice becomes ineffective.</span></blockquote>
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Focusing within ('<i>on either ground</i>')</b>: We turn our attention within. We muse on our issues, or we imaginatively enter into someone else's. This happens away from the interaction itself.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<blockquote>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Here, we pause to recover our sense of control. We take a deep breath or count to ten; we doodle, drink tea, take time out, phone a friend... Sometimes we head off for months or years until, older and wiser, we can discuss (or think about) what happened calmly. </span><br />
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">People focus within at different rates and in different ways; fast or slow. Difficulties arise when we give ourselves too little time, or too much. Too little time, and we can't process the situation. We feel rushed and blurt out things we don't mean. Too much time, and the issues get covered over by other things. Unresolved for whatever reason, problems which lurk beneath the surface often erupt later on.</span></div>
</blockquote>
<br />
<ul>
</ul>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Of the three choices, the way we focus within has the greatest influence on 'who speaks' in our conversations. It's is a blueprint for our communication. If we welcome our experience spaciously, greeting it warmly, we're likely to respond the same way with other people. But if we feel uncomfortable with what goes on inside us; if we argue with it, judge ourselves, feel frustrated or unhappy because of it, the chances are we'll be like that with others too.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<h3>
<span style="color: #990000; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Which is the 'best' choice?</span></h3>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The best choice is the one which creates most connection. It's something we easily overlook under pressure. Here's an illustration from the animation film <i><a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1217209/" target="_blank">Brave</a></i>. The fairytale queen is agonising about her daughter's forthcoming betrothal:</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"></span><br />
<blockquote>
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">QUEEN ELINOR: I don't know what to do!</span></blockquote>
<blockquote>
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">KING FERGUS: <b><i>Speak </i></b>to her, dear!</span></blockquote>
<blockquote>
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">QUEEN ELINOR: I do speak to her - she just doesn't </span><b><i><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">listen!</span></i></b></blockquote>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">As the rift widens between them, mother and daughter both continue to 'express' - to no avail:</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<blockquote>
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">QUEEN ELINOR: I could make you see if you would just </span><span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> - </span><i style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">LISTEN</i><span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">!</span></blockquote>
<blockquote>
<span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">MERIDA: I could make you understand, if you would just</span><span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> - </span><i style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">LISTEN</i><span style="color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">!</span></blockquote>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">If communication gets stuck, it's wise to review our choices. As a rule of thumb:</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>There's no point speaking, if someone can't hear us</b></span></li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>There's no point listening, if we're not prepared to hear</b></span></li>
</ul>
<br />
<h3>
<span style="color: #990000; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Knowing our choices...</span></h3>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Conversation is not a battle for control. Real dialogue is more like a dance. We constantly choose - we mediate - between the different voices inside us and without. Knowing the different options, we become more flexible; we learn to change track. And once we know the three choices, we're never stuck. Why? Because if one choice doesn't work, we can try another! </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Knowing this, there's <i>always</i> a way forward, where our responses come freshly-minted and alive.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">By Elizabeth English</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">with Peter Kuklis</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> </span>
Elizabeth English (Locana) – From Life at Workhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08514632336450423931noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7516826968322440651.post-70329762242091243372013-07-01T00:30:00.000+01:002013-07-01T00:30:01.122+01:00Tip 11: How to stop bickering<br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>In our close relationships we deal with so many humdrum questions - who will empty the bins, why we're out of cat food, whether to turn left or right - it's easy to slip into bickering. How can we avoid those habitual niggling comments which cloud our communication? How can we make sure that time spent with our loved ones is truly enjoyable and rewarding?</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"></span><br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
<h3>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #674ea7;">The 'revolutionary pause'*</span></span></h3>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Before you respond to something - particularly if you want to object! - ask yourself, WHY is the other person saying this? You'll need a moment to think, feel or sense the answer. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<div style="text-align: right;">
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">*The 'revolutionary pause' was a phrase coined by Mary Hendricks. </span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: right;">
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">See '</span><a href="http://www.focusing.org/social_issues/hendricks_peace.html" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;" target="_blank">Focusing as a Force for Peace: the Revolutionary Pause</a><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">', </span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: right;">
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Keynote Address to the Fifteenth Focusing International Conference 2003 in Germany. </span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: right;">
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">By Mary Hendricks-Gendlin, PhD, Director, The Focusing Institute. </span></span></div>
<br />
<h3>
<span style="color: #990000; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>Warning!</i></span></h3>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">But make sure you ask the right sort of 'why'. Obviously, I don't mean a 'why' which fuels the argument: </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>A: "How come the bins didn't go out yesterday?"</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>B: "WHY are you asking ME?"</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Nor one that implies the other person is wrong. If we ask 'why' when we're feeling frustrated, we easily produce a reason which contains critical judgements: </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>"WHY is she asking about the bins? ... Hmmm, it's because she's hopeless at taking responsibility for practical matters if it means getting her hands dirty ..."</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We're adept at producing clever intellectual understandings of other people - which still contain a sense of a problem: </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>"WHY? Hmmm, it's because his mother did everything for him as a kid, and he's never really grown up ..."</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Whether or not we voice these thoughts (and even if we believe them to be true), they create friction in our communication. The problem is, they quickly produce counter-arguments, because they're felt as critical, disrespectful or undermining. Even having them in the air is enough to create difficulties as we interact.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">To stop the cycle of petty bickering, one or other of us needs to ask a different sort of "why?". </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> </span><br />
<h3>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #674ea7; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">1. Find a 'good' reason </span></h3>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The most productive "why?" in a conversation is one which seeks a good reason. Every action (words or behaviour) is based on a need - a motivation for doing it; a value or a quality which the action is trying to bring about. This is the good reason.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We don't always know ourselves what our good reasons are when we speak or act. So if the other person pauses, it leaves space for both of us to discover them. This quickly generates warm connection, natural empathy. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Sometimes the first person's comment is not exactly about the real issue. But we don't need to be Sherlock Holmes to discover what it is: </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>A: "How come no-one put the bins out yesterday?"</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>B (pauses, and considers silently): "Why the bins, why this tone of voice, just now? </i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>B (asks directly): "Are you cross because you've done it quite a bit recently - and you'd like me to do my fair share ...?</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">[If this is the issue, it's now out in the open, and the conversation can flow on more calmly, with more room for each person's perspectives.] </span><br />
<br />
<h3>
<span style="color: #674ea7; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">2. Make a 'bridging' comment</span></h3>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This empathic guess (<i>"Are you cross because...?"</i>) is a bridging question. It creates a bridge where information can flow from Person A towards Person B. And this brings about greater understanding, and (with practice) greater kindness.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">You don't need to get the bridging comment 'right' for it to work successfully. Your simple wish to understand is what really creates the bridge. Starting from a place of genuine ignorance, of sweet humility, you never make a wrong guess - you just discover more about the other person. You give them a chance to tell you (usually more calmly) what's bothering them. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>A (replies): "Not really. It's because right now I'm trying to get on with the cooking, and the bin is too full to use - I hate that!"</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Now we sees a fuller picture of the busy cook, we may find it easier to empathise - and may even feel moved to help. </span><br />
<br />
<h3>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #674ea7; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">3. Watch where the conversation goes next ...</span></h3>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">But suppose we have a very different view of the matter, and want to make our own feelings known? Well, we're in a much stronger position. The bridge created by our previous comments is also a conduit for our ideas, which can now flow back towards the other person. Unless we have this bridge in place - that warm, kind connection - the other person is unlikely to take in our point of view. They may feel as if we're opposing them; that we're being critical, defensive or evasive. So the bickering continues ...</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The bridge helps us discover the issues on both sides. Once we know them - and we both know that we know them - we're well placed to come up with fresh ideas and solutions. </span><br />
<br />
<h3>
<span style="color: #674ea7; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It's hard to pause!</span></h3>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">In a busy conversation, the first step - making that revolutionary pause - is the hardest. So when your loved ones make a prickly comment, or have ideas you disagree with: </span><br />
<br />
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #990000;">Remind yourself that if you create a kind listening space for the other person, they are more likely to create one for you in return.</span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #990000;">Give yourself time to see and feel the other person's 'good reason' - it may change your perspective radically (perhaps you'll no longer want to 'answer back').</span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #990000;">If you find yourself really unwilling to listen to them, it's because you have important needs of your own which need attention. Reflect on how your needs can also be taken into account. They are important too.</span></span></li>
</ul>
<span style="color: #990000; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<h3>
<span style="color: #674ea7; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">How do we benefit?</span></h3>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">By stopping to consider the good reason for what someone has just said, we build respect and care for our friends, partner or family. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">At the same time, we leave more room for our own responses to be heard as we want. So we feel calmer and more appreciated ourselves.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Kindness and empathy flourish naturally. </span><br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">By Elizabeth English</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">with Peter Kuklis</span>Elizabeth English (Locana) – From Life at Workhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08514632336450423931noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7516826968322440651.post-15047719846515974882013-06-01T00:30:00.000+01:002013-06-01T00:30:00.513+01:00Q19: How would you approach someone who doesn't want to hear what you're trying to say?<br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i><b>Following last month's post on '<a href="http://lifeatworknow.blogspot.co.uk/2013/05/q18-how-can-i-criticise-my-boss.html" target="_blank">how to criticise your boss</a>', one reader wrote to ask what to do if our boss just refuses to listen. Since this could happen with anyone, let's start there - and then cover a few 'extras' for your boss. </b></i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"></span><br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
<h3>
<span style="color: #674ea7; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Examples ...</b></span></h3>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">In these true examples, I have every confidence the person who started the conversation did so with respect, clarity and kindness. And yet it seems the other person was unable to hear or understand. Why not? </span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>An 'overly helpful' mother</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">A friend of mine was telling me how difficult he found it when his mum came into his flat when he was out - even when her intention was to help him by doing his ironing. He wanted privacy and autonomy, even more than he wanted ironed shirts (besides, he added, he likes ironing!). However much he acknowledged all her good intentions, he didn't feel his mum understood his perspective. In fact, she was pretty upset that he'd raised the issue. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>An 'inconsiderate' colleague</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">A busy project manager asked a close colleague for a quick chat to sort out a stressful supply issue before the Easter break. But despite a series of increasingly desperate messages begging him to be in touch, her colleague went away without returning the calls, leaving her unsettled and angry, and - given the consideration she felt she'd shown towards him - hurt. </span><br />
<br />
<h3>
<span style="color: #674ea7; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Checklist: reasons we may not hear another person (and vice versa)</span></h3>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Here are some reasons the mother and the colleague may have found it hard to listen - or why we might struggle ourselves, if we were in a similar situation. </span><br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Try thinking of your own example - </b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>a time you didn't want to listen to somebody!</b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>1. My own needs are unmet</b></span><br />
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">My own needs are not met, heard or acknowledged, which leaves me feeling uncomfortable, stressed, unhappy or annoyed. I'm too full up with my concerns to hear yours.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><span style="color: #741b47;">2. Either/or</span></b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The deep-seated view that 'it's either you or me' - if one of us gets our needs met, the other one won't; if you meet your needs, it will be at my expense.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><span style="color: #741b47;">3. Being over-responsive</span></b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Believing that I need to meet the other person's needs - the view that if I hear your needs, I must be responsible for meeting them (and so give up on my own).</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><span style="color: #741b47;">4. Over-focus on my own needs </span></b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">My own needs are so pressing that I do not, or cannot at that moment, see or acknowledge a particular person's needs. NB: my needs include my wish to meet other people's needs (to serve my family, clients, team or organisation).</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><span style="color: #741b47;">5. Judging needs as unimportant</span></b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I don't recognise or value certain needs in certain situations, and believe them to be unimportant. I inwardly dismiss or discount them. (I may do this to myself too!)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><span style="color: #741b47;">6. Believing judgements are deserved </span></b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I'm irritated or angry, and believe the other person deserves my reaction. Since I believe they are to blame, they must put up with the consequences.</span><br />
<br />
<h3>
<span style="color: #674ea7; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Reaching an impasse</span></h3>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So there are serious reasons we may not hear what another person is really telling us. </span><br />
<br />
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Perhaps the mother is upset because she wants to express her love and care, to feel valued and wanted. If she believes that going along with her son's wishes is at the expense of her own needs, no wonder she won't want to hear him (Points 1, 2 or 3).</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Perhaps the colleague who goes away can't relate to the project manager's concerns because of the stress he's under. He may even judge her request negatively ('unnecessary', 'incompetent', 'controlling'). Or in his exasperation, he feels it's all her fault, and she 'deserves' to wait for his reply (Points 4, 5 or 6).</span></li>
</ul>
<br />
<h3>
<b style="color: #674ea7; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">How to move forward?</b></h3>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I find a good rule of thumb is (as in my last post): </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> </span><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>There's no point speaking if the other person cannot hear</b></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So I try to work out what's stopping the other person hearing me. I may reflect by myself. Or I may ask them directly about their needs. If I can be genuinely curious and honestly ignorant, then I can ask without hidden judgements causing problems in the communication. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #741b47; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>For example:</b></span><br />
<br />
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>To the mother:</b> "Are you worried that if I ask you not to iron for me, that I won't appreciate you? That I won't see how much you love and care for me?"</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>To the colleague</b> (when he finally returns!): "Did you have a huge amount on your plate before you left?" Or, "Were you thinking this issue wasn't really your concern?"</span></li>
</ul>
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This is how my friend responded to his mum. While she wasn't able to really hold a conversation about her feelings, she quickly calmed down, and immediately suggested a solution he liked (i.e. if she wanted to help him out, they could do the housework together!). </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The key is to consider what's getting in the way of someone hearing you - and then find your way forward from there. </span><br />
<br />
<h3>
<span style="color: #674ea7; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>No guarantees</b></span></h3>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We can't ever guarantee that another person will listen to us, but when we try to understand them we introduce a magical new ingredient into the communication: we create connection. We see them as a whole person again - with their faults and good points together. </span><br />
<br />
<h3>
<span style="color: #674ea7; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Postscript - if it's your boss!</b></span></h3>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">In some situations, especially professional ones, we may need to get our message across whether the other person is prepared to listen or not. If you can see you've truly reached an impasse, hold onto what matters. You may need to call on external support so that this person (your boss, perhaps) can gain a wider perspective - one that includes you and your needs. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">By Elizabeth English</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">with Peter Kuklis</span><br />
Elizabeth English (Locana) – From Life at Workhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08514632336450423931noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7516826968322440651.post-70858656416142473642013-05-01T00:30:00.000+01:002013-05-01T14:36:24.674+01:00Q18: How can I criticise my boss? <br />
<div style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 14px;">
<span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"><i>Offering feedback is often tricky. How much more so, when it is directed 'upwards', to somebody above us in a hierarchy. How can we ensure our feedback is respectful and appreciated? Is there a way to stop critical feedback sounding critical?</i></span></div>
<div style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 14px;">
<span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"><i></i></span></div>
<a name='more'></a><br />
<div style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 12px;">
<span style="font-size: 15px; letter-spacing: 0px;">Recently, a friend grabbed me as she was dashing out the door. "Quickly!" she said. "How can I criticise my boss?" </span></div>
<div style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px;">
<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">Knowing her situation, I responded with sympathetic curiosity. "Have things got that tough?" </span></div>
<div style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px;">
<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">"Yes," she said, "but I don't have time to go into that now - just tell me what to do!" </span></div>
<div style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px;">
<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">"You want a quick formula?" </span></div>
<div style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px;">
<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">"Go for it!" </span></div>
<div style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; min-height: 17px;">
<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"></span><br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px;">
<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">This is what I said:</span></div>
<div style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; min-height: 17px;">
<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"></span><br /></div>
<div style="color: #810000; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; text-align: center;">
<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"><b>LISTEN - SPEAK - LISTEN</b></span></div>
<div style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; min-height: 17px;">
<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"></span><br /></div>
<div style="color: #7772b2; font-family: Arial; font-size: 16px;">
<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"><b>1. LISTEN</b></span></div>
<div style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px;">
<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">This first 'Listen!' is to test out whether the other person is willing and able to listen to us. <i>There's no point speaking if the other person cannot hear.</i> (Something we may overlook in our eagerness to make a point.) </span></div>
<div style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; min-height: 17px;">
<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"></span><br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px;">
<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">Extra tips: </span></div>
<ul>
<li style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; margin: 0px;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"><b><i>Signpost!</i></b> Flag up that there's something you want to talk about - <i>and listen to the answer</i>. Help the other person by letting them know there's an issue, before diving in. Signal the size of the issue, and how long you think the discussion will take. </span></li>
</ul>
<div style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; min-height: 17px;">
<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"></span><br /></div>
<div style="color: #810000; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px;">
<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">For example:</span></div>
<div style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px;">
<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"><i>"This is just a small matter ..." </i></span></div>
<div style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px;">
<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">Or, <i>"This is something that's been bothering me for a while ..." </i></span></div>
<div style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; min-height: 17px;">
<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"></span><br /></div>
<ul>
<li style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; margin: 0px;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"><b><i>Dangle a carrot!</i></b> As soon as you mention there's a problem, set out your 'good' reasons for discussing it; your positive goal. This reassures the other person that you're on solid ground. (You aren't having a go at them for no reason.)</span></li>
</ul>
<div style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; min-height: 17px;">
<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"></span><br /></div>
<div style="color: #810000; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px;">
<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">For example:</span></div>
<div style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px;">
<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"><i>"I'd like the chance to discuss this because it's important to me to have more clarity about my role in the team / more efficient ways of doing things / happier working relationships, etc."</i> (What you need depends on your situation.)</span></div>
<div style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; min-height: 17px;">
<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"></span><br /></div>
<ul>
<li style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; margin: 0px;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"><b><i>Offer choice!</i></b> Double check whether the other person is okay to hear you just now. Arrange when the best time would be. This shows them respect, and reassures them that you are taking their needs into account, as well as addressing your own. </span></li>
<li style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; margin: 0px;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"><b><i>Use your antennae!</i></b> Tune into the other person as they are just now. Are they able to create space in their day - and inside themselves - to listen to you?</span></li>
</ul>
<div style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; min-height: 17px;">
<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"></span><br /></div>
<div style="color: #7772b2; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px;">
<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"><b>Warning! Be prepared to listen more! </b></span></div>
<div style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px;">
<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">Approached respectfully and sensitively in this way, people often respond by talking, not listening! (e.g. "<i>I guess it's [such-and-such], yes, it's been on my mind too, and I must say that I think...!"</i>) But don't worry, this is probably the best thing that can happen. By listening now, you can create a space for their views - which will be the best preparation for asking them to listen to yours. </span></div>
<div style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; min-height: 17px;">
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<span style="color: #810000; letter-spacing: 0.0px;">Tip:</span><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"> If this happens, remember to listen <i>fully!</i> Try not to mentally prepare your answer as you listen, or hop up and down waiting for your turn. Give the other person your full attention; if necessary, your empathy.</span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"><b>2. SPEAK</b></span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">Another friend was telling Peter about his boss. "He's a psychopath!" he exclaimed. "Take today. I get multiple missed messages on my mobile and landline, then this single one-liner over email: <i>"'Where r u? Where is the report!!!'"</i></span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">Peter's friend was spluttering with indignation. He was full of critical judgements about his boss's behaviour (and no wonder!). So how can he express this to his boss in a way that is most likely to lead to constructive change?</span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"><b>Speaking from and for ourselves ('Owned language')</b></span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">There's a mysterious paradox at the heart of giving feedback. We think we need to tell somebody else about their attitudes and behaviour (which may feel daunting, especially if the person is above you in the hierarchy). And if we do this, they are most likely to become defensive - however calm, kind or professional we try to be - because they hear blame. </span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">Although we are triggered by somebody else's behaviour, we are on firmest ground when we describe the effect of that behaviour on ourselves. The strongest, most accurate and respectful form of feedback comes when we own our experience, and speak only <i>from and for ourselves.</i></span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">For example: </span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"><i>"When I received your messages today, I felt pretty stressed and indignant, because I want to deliver on time, and I take pride in doing so. In general, I'd find it helpful to know in advance if a deadline is urgent. Then I can make sure you have what you need in good time ...."</i></span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"><i>[For more about how to build connection when you make a point, see February's blog: </i><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"><i><a href="http://lifeatworknow.blogspot.co.uk/2013/02/q-15-love-love-me-do-what-can-we-learn.html" target="_blank"><span style="color: blue;">Q 15: "Love, love me do!"</span></a><span style="color: #1900b2;">,</span></i></span><i> (especially, 'Three questions which create a connection').]</i></span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">But people behave the way they do for their own reasons and, however bizarre they may look to us, those reasons make sense to them. If we listen now, we learn more about the other person and the situation, and we increase the connection between us. When connection is good, trust builds naturally. </span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">So having told his boss what bothered him, Peter's friend could now throw the ball into his boss's court with an empathic question, and listen again.</span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">For example: </span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"><i>"Still, I guess you sent me all those messages because you were pretty stressed on your side. Did something unexpected crop up? Or had you just understood that I'd get you the report earlier?"</i></span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"><b>3. LISTEN</b></span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">When we listen, we hear how our words have affected the other person. This is something we need to know (it's their feedback to us). They may need our acknowledgement and understanding of the situation, or simply the chance to explain how it arose. Or they may wish to discuss how to do things differently next time. Now is the time to practice active listening.</span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"><b>The empathy sandwich</b></span></div>
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<span style="color: #810000; letter-spacing: 0.0px;">LISTEN - SPEAK - LISTEN </span><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">is really an empathy sandwich. Surrounding our problem with understanding, both for the other person and ourselves, we give it the best chance of being taken seriously. Once that has happened it won't take long to find a solution. A new direction opens up naturally. </span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">By Elizabeth English</span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">with Peter Kuklis</span></div>
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Elizabeth English (Locana) – From Life at Workhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08514632336450423931noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7516826968322440651.post-57260178233717265602013-04-01T00:30:00.000+01:002013-04-08T11:51:26.033+01:00Q17: Why can't I let go of my feelings?<b style="color: maroon; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; text-align: left;"></b><br />
<b><i>"Be positive!"... "Just let go!"... "Laugh it off!"... We so often hear this advice. <br />But what if we try – and we end up feeling worse? </i><span style="font-size: 9pt;"> </span></b><br />
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<b _mce_style="font-size: 9pt;" style="color: #7772b2;"><b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Undoable advice</span></b></b></div>
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<span _mce_style="font-size: 9pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Have you ever noticed that advice about 'getting rid' of difficult feelings is essentially <i>undoable</i>? If we had an off-switch, we could press it, and - Hey Presto! - we would feel 'whatever-we-want-to-feel-just-now' (happy, patient, positive, calm, courageous - you can fill in the gap).</span></span></div>
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<span _mce_style="font-size: 9pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">But as we don't have an obvious off-switch, what next? How do we change what we don't like? Relying on will power to shake off a bad feeling is unpredictable, and even counter-productive. This is why.... </span></span></div>
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<b _mce_style="font-size: 9pt;"><span _mce_style="font-size: 12pt; color: #7772b2;" style="color: #7772b2; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><b>Lost parts</b></span></b></h3>
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<span _mce_style="font-size: 9pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Suppose you want to feel a certain way. "I WILL be calm!" you say. Or, "I WILL be positive!" Well, there's no doubt that something inside you <i>wants</i> to feel that way - and no wonder.</span></span></div>
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<span _mce_style="font-size: 9pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">But what about the parts that <i>don't</i> feel calm or positive? That are feeling stressed or sad? They are there for good reasons too. They carry messages about what we need - different things in different situations. (If we're stressed, we might need security or calm; if we're sad, we might want kindness, empathy or companionship....) Giving our feelings attention, we discover the treasures they hold. The further away we push them, the harder it is to hear what they need. We may lose track of them altogether. That's how we create 'lost parts'. </span></span></div>
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<span _mce_style="font-size: 9pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The same happens if we insist on a course of action - "I WILL be nice to Uncle Fred!" or "I WILL get up early!" Our good intentions are precious, and have a valuable life of their own. Yet what about the sides of us that don't like Uncle Fred? Or which want to stay in bed? They have a life of their own too. They may not consent to being overruled.</span></span></div>
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<span _mce_style="font-size: 9pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">By creating lost parts, we create inner conflict. Like any minority voice, they cause trouble when they are pushed aside.</span></span></div>
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<span _mce_style="font-size: 9pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /><span _mce_style="font-size: 11pt;">Of course, we may succeed through determination - and if we do, it's because we're able to take account of ourselves as a whole, without </span><span _mce_style="font-size: 11pt;">losing anything.</span></span></span></div>
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<span _mce_style="font-size: 9pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">When we leave out parts of ourselves, we feel worse. This is when we suffer emotional backlashes. It's why fake friendliness can leave us tired and dispirited, jarred and divided. Being 'real' usually feels better (even it it still feels bad). </span></span></div>
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<span _mce_style="font-size: 9pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Lost parts call for our attention by making their presence <i>felt</i>. We feel them as tension, aches and pains in our body, stress or emotional upheaval; and we hear them in our words which pop out of our mouths unexpectedly. To reclaim a lost part, the first step is to <i>notice</i> it. </span></span></div>
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<b _mce_style="font-size: 9pt;"><b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">How to find a lost part</span></b></b></h3>
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<span _mce_style="font-size: 9pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">A sure sign of a lost part is a feeling that 'won't let go'. Viewed from without, we see it as a 'stuck', 'blocked', 'obstinate' or 'sabotaging' streak. We think it <i>shouldn't</i> be there. In fact, feelings are always there for good reasons. When we stop taking sides against them, we reclaim them. They hold gold. </span></span></div>
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<b><span _mce_style="font-size: 9pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Tip:</span></span></b></div>
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<li _mce_style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; color: #800000;" style="color: maroon;"><span _mce_style="font-size: 9pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">If you can't let go of 'stubborn' or 'sticky' feelings, give them<i>more</i> space inside; see if you can welcome them gently. (And if you 'feel bad about feeling bad', try welcoming that too...!)</span></span></li>
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<b><span _mce_style="font-size: 9pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The principle:</span></span></b></div>
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<li _mce_style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; color: #800000;" style="color: maroon;"><span _mce_style="font-size: 9pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">You have more influence in your own emotional world when you interact kindly with your feelings - just as you have most influence with another person when you take them into account.</span></span></li>
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<span _mce_style="font-size: 9pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /><b><span _mce_style="font-size: 11pt;">Side-benefit:</span></b></span></span></div>
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<li _mce_style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; color: #800000;" style="color: maroon;"><span _mce_style="font-size: 9pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">When we greet our feelings this way, we're less likely to inflict our difficult emotions on others in unhelpful ways</span></span></li>
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<b _mce_style="font-size: 9pt;"><b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Become an inner peace negotiator </span></b></b></div>
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<span _mce_style="font-size: 9pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">When we welcome our lost parts, we become an inner peace negotiator. Our job is to hold equally our 'good sides' AND our 'annoying bits'. We are like a room full of people, some of them speaking more loudly than others. The moment we remember this, we find that even our 'awkward' voices have something important to say. And when we turn towards what feels bad, we usually find there's more space inside us for what feels good. We are no longer in conflict with how things are.</span></span></div>
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<span _mce_style="font-size: 9pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> </span></span></div>
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<b><span _mce_style="font-size: 9pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Tip:</span></span></b></div>
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<li _mce_style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; color: #800000;" style="color: maroon;"><span _mce_style="font-size: 9pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Faced with a conflict or difficulty, allow yourself to hold many responses</span></span></li>
<li _mce_style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; color: #800000;" style="color: maroon;"><span _mce_style="font-size: 9pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Allow space for every 'voice in the room' (you don't need to understand them to acknowledge them)</span></span></li>
<li _mce_style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; color: #800000;" style="color: maroon;"><span _mce_style="font-size: 9pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Welcome every feeling and need - those you want or like<i>and</i> those you don't</span></span></li>
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<span _mce_style="font-size: 9pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> </span></span></div>
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<b><span _mce_style="font-size: 9pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The principle:</span></span></b></div>
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<li _mce_style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; color: #800000;" style="color: maroon;"><span _mce_style="font-size: 9pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We rarely feel <i>just good</i> or <i>just bad</i>: we usually hold<i> both</i></span></span></li>
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<span _mce_style="font-size: 9pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> </span></span></div>
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<b><span _mce_style="font-size: 9pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Benefit:</span></span></b></div>
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<li _mce_style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; color: #800000;" style="color: maroon;"><span _mce_style="font-size: 9pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">When we welcome all aspects of ourselves, we calm and settle naturally</span></span></li>
<li _mce_style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; color: #800000;" style="color: maroon;"><span _mce_style="font-size: 9pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">When everything in us feels 'heard' - it works with us, not against us</span></span></li>
<li _mce_style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; color: #800000;" style="color: maroon;"><span _mce_style="font-size: 9pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We act and speak, feeling whole and complete</span></span></li>
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<span _mce_style="font-size: 9pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">By Elizabeth English</span></span></div>
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<span _mce_style="font-size: 9pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">with Peter Kuklis</span></span></div>
Elizabeth English (Locana) – From Life at Workhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08514632336450423931noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7516826968322440651.post-78319863888696038342013-03-01T00:30:00.000+00:002013-03-01T14:26:01.692+00:00Q16: How can laughter resolve conflicts?<b>Laughter is famously good for us. A peek at Google reveals over 10.5 million sites which refer to its health benefits. And I've just discovered that laughter doesn't have to be 'real'. Even fake laughter apparently leads to health and happiness. </b>
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[<i>This is the claim made by Dr Kataria, founder of Laughter Yoga, see <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Laughter_Yoga" target="_blank">http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Laughter_Yoga</a></i>]<br />
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So I decided to give it a go.... <br />
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Making sure the house was empty, I set myself going. At first, I blushed at my solo chortles; but to my relief, I found that my embarrassed laughter quickly turned into the real thing. The neighbour's dog joined in, and began barking joyously. I tried it later with a friend (laughing, not barking) - and it was easier still!<br />
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The more I laugh, the more it seems to me that joyous laughter is a natural antidote to conflict. It holds our innate expertise. Here are four reasons why:<br />
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<span style="color: #990000;">1. Laughter dissolves barriers - and creates instant connection</span></h3>
Laughter teaches us what conflict is not. When I laugh wholeheartedly, I notice that nothing stands in the way between me and other people. Anything inside me which is guarded, wary, critical or judgemental seems to dissolve. I feel in pure connection with everything and everyone. If I can laugh in a difficulty, I'm saved!<br />
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<b>Conflict:</b><br />
<ul>
<li>Judgements and criticism</li>
<li>Lingering bad feelings and hard 'edges'</li>
<li>Sharp division between 'You' and 'Me' </li>
</ul>
<b>Genuine laughter (no conflict):</b><br />
<ul>
<li>Warm, welcoming attitudes</li>
<li>Open, flowing feelings</li>
<li>Growing sense of 'Us' </li>
</ul>
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<span style="color: #990000;">2. Laughter naturally shifts our perspective</span></h3>
When we laugh, we see things completely differently. That's how many jokes work, as we suddenly find our assumptions turned on their heads. From our 'old' perspective, the new one looks funny.<br />
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And it's the same with connection. In people matters, connection is the magic ingredient which shifts the way we see everything. The more connected we are, the more relaxed we feel around difficulties. From that new place, the same person and the same events feel - and are! - different.<br />
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To explore your sense of connection, try asking yourself these questions - about someone you like, and someone you dislike. Notice the different perspectives you have on people, depending on your sense of connection.<br />
<ul>
<li>Do you feel easy about their quirks and foibles?</li>
<li>If you've done something 'daft', do you feel they'll understand?</li>
<li>Can you imagine laughing with them?</li>
</ul>
Laughing teaches us how dramatic a shift in perspective can be. Since resolving conflicts relies on the same ability, perhaps telling jokes can indirectly enhance our skill in communication! (I put a few of mine below, so you can try it out.)<br />
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<span style="color: #990000;">3. Laughter brings us 'home' </span></h3>
When we laugh spontaneously, we're happy from within. But in a conflict, we're 'out there'. Angry thoughts and feelings lash outwards. We automatically blame and criticise others in self defence. (We also have fierce inner critics who lash out at us.)<br />
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The first step to resolving an argument is to 'come home'. In a conflict, our best qualities seem to disappear. It's almost as if the other person has stolen them from us. But when we reconnect with these qualities in ourselves, we no longer depend on another person to feel them. We find them in ourselves.<br />
<ul>
<li>Inside any hurt, angry or 'defensive' thought, notice how you feel in yourself</li>
<li>Ask what has gone missing for you</li>
<li>Spend time pondering the human qualities you value, need and want in you </li>
</ul>
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<span style="color: #990000;">4. Laughter is infectious - and so is empathy!</span></h3>
Just as a wholehearted laugh is infectious, so empathy touches everything in the situation. The moment we make room for ourselves, we make room for others; when we include others, we can include ourselves, too.<br />
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In an argument, our understanding of someone else may start off forced (just as laughter may start off faked) but it can become real as we set it going. As we make space for the other person, we begin to see them differently. We don't need to agree with their views, or even understand them. We only need to know that their feelings are dear to them, just as ours are dear to us. We don't need clever solutions or insights to mend an argument. We only need connection.<br />
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<span style="color: #990000;">(Still feeling grumpy?)</span></h3>
But in case this talk of laughing just leaves you grumpy or blue, don't despair! There are good reasons we feel those stubborn, stuck or sticky feelings which 'won't let go'. We look at them in next month's tip.<br />
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<span style="color: #990000;">Try it out!</span></h3>
These are my ponderings on the connections between laughter and conflict. But why not try laughing yourself, and see what occurs to you? (If you want to let me know how you get on, my blog comments are now WORKING!)<br />
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Here are some things which might set you going. I find these exam mistakes by children irresistible:<br />
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<span style="color: #0b5394;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.</i></span></span></blockquote>
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<span style="color: #0b5394;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.</i></span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #0b5394;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>Milton wrote </i>Paradise Lost.<i> Then his wife died and he wrote</i> Paradise Regained. </span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #0b5394;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot.</i></span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #0b5394;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>Queen Elizabeth was the 'Virgin Queen'. As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "Hurrah!"</i></span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #0b5394;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.</i></span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #0b5394;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.</i></span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #0b5394;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.</i></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul ... Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."</i></span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #0b5394;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offence.</i></span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #0b5394;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.</i></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #0b5394;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this. </i></span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #0b5394;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>Gravity was invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.</i></span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #0b5394;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German half Italian and half English. He was very large.</i></span></span></blockquote>
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And here are two classic old jokes:<br />
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<span style="color: #0b5394;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>Three friends went to a funeral, and afterwards they asked each other what they hoped their friends would say about them, when they were in their coffins. The first said, "I'd like to be known as the kindest man they'd ever known." The second said, "I'd like them to say I was the wisest." The third thought for a while, and said, "I'd like them to say - Look! He's still moving!"</i></span></span></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: #0b5394;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water? </i></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>PUPIL: "HIJKLMNO"! </i></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>TEACHER: What are you talking about? </i></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #0b5394;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>PUPIL: Yesterday you said it's H to O!</i></span></span></blockquote>
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Feel free to send me some more via the Comments below this post.<br />
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<i>By Elizabeth English <br />
with Peter Kuklis</i>Elizabeth English (Locana) – From Life at Workhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08514632336450423931noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7516826968322440651.post-27835529706684939192013-02-01T00:30:00.000+00:002013-02-13T06:14:16.233+00:00Q 15: "Love, love me do!" What can we learn from a love song?<h4>
How we can ask for things in such a way that others are happy to respond? In a month overflowing with pink love hearts, I take my inspiration from a love song ...</h4>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"><i>I love you!</i></span><span style="font-family: Times; font-size: 16px; letter-spacing: 0px;"> </span><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;">might be exactly what you want to say ... But then, as we don't always ask for things directly, it might just be a covert request, <i>Do you love me, too? </i>Or even a demand, <i>Love me – Do! </i></span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">Love, love me do!</span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">You know I love you</span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">I'll always be true</span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">So pleeeeease, love me do!</span></div>
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<span style="color: blue; letter-spacing: 0px; text-decoration: underline;"><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_xuMwfUqJJM">Love me Do –The Beatles ' 62 – YouTube</a></span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0px;">If we want people to respond positively, we need to ask in a way <i>most likely to be heard and appreciated</i> by the other person – just like our singers here. </span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0px;">So what do Paul and John do that helps? And can we apply it ourselves (without breaking into song) – whether to love, or more mundane matters?</span><br />
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"><b>Three questions which create a connection</b></span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0px;">Above all, it helps to create a positive connection. Then people can relate to you – and so to what you say – easily and effectively. </span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">You can engage people's interest in different ways (in any sequence): </span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"><b>1. What's happening? </b></span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0px;">Set the context – <i>briefly</i>! What are the facts? What's in your mind? What's gone on (in the past)? What are you envisaging (for the future)?</span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"><b>2. How are you with it?</b></span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"><i>How do you feel about it? What's important to you here? What matters? </i>Add colour and interest by saying how the situation <i>affects</i> you – personalise it! Describe how it lives and breathes in you. Give it meaning; bring it to life for the people listening. </span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"><b>3. What next? </b></span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"><i>Where do you go from here? What do you want to happen next? </i>Set the shape and direction of what follows; how to move things forward. Once you know what you need, you can be clear what to do about it – or ask others to do it for you.</span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0px;">These three questions are implicit in every interaction. By making them explicit, we give people a full picture of ourselves, on our own ground. This makes it easier for them to see and hear us as we really are. We connect.</span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"><b>The Beatles' request</b></span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0px;">The lover in the Beatles' verse answers all three questions. The result is that his sweetheart knows 1. what he's talking about, 2. where he's coming from, and 3. what he wants to happen. </span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0px;">Why should she (or he, of course) always love him? Oh! Because he loves her, and is loyal and trustworthy ... great! Now, when he makes his final request, it's likely she's happy to hear it: </span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"><i>1. Love, love me do</i></span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0px;">The singer sets a context. Here, he gives a little preview, which indicates where the conversation is heading ("Well dear, I'd like to spend some time talking about our relationship!")</span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"><i>2. You know I love you</i></span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0px;">He says how he is: his feelings</span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"><i>I'll always be true</i></span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0px;">He says what he cares about: his needs and values –loyalty and trust</span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"><i>3. So pleeeeease, love me do!</i></span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0px;">He makes his request very clear; being extra sure to communicate that it is request, not a demand!</span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"><b>Getting a clear answer</b></span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0px;">Having made our clear request, how can we make sure we get a clear answer? We don't want to wriggle awkwardly in an embarrassing silence. It's good to know how our words have landed.</span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0px;">So we can finish the request with a question. Check in with the other person, and find out whether the request will work for them. Throw the ball into their court:</span></div>
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<li style="color: #800d00; font-family: Arial; margin: 0px;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">How does that sound?</span></li>
<li style="color: #800d00; font-family: Arial; margin: 0px;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">Does that work okay for you?</span></li>
<li style="color: #800d00; font-family: Arial; margin: 0px;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">What do you think?</span></li>
<li style="color: #800d00; font-family: Arial; margin: 0px;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">Are you up for this?</span></li>
</ul>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0px;">It's considerate towards the other person to discover how our words <i>affect them</i>. Taking their needs into account is another way to engage their interest, and keeps our communication genuine and aware. </span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"><b>For example...</b></span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"><i>Here, I try making a request of you!</i></span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"><i>Now you've read this month's tip [1], I'm curious to hear what you make of it [2 – my feelings]. So to enrich my own understanding with your insights and ideas [2 – my needs and values], I wonder whether you'd be happy to put a comment directly onto my blog? [3]. </i></span><i style="font-size: 16px;">How does that sound to you?</i><br />
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Any text book approach to communication is likely to sound strange. The skill is to make it your own. You might even try singing it – like the Beatles!</div>
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<span style="font-size: 11pt; letter-spacing: 0px;"><b style="color: maroon; font-style: italic;">Note from Anna, my lovely web designer: </b></span><i style="color: maroon; font-size: 11pt; letter-spacing: 0px;">At the bottom of the post, you will see any comments and the<b> </b>Post a Comment box, where you can add your own message. Note that comments on this blog are moderated before they are published, so they will not appear on the page until they have been approved!"</i></div>
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Elizabeth English (Locana) – From Life at Workhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08514632336450423931noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7516826968322440651.post-39727828628324514902013-01-01T00:30:00.000+00:002013-02-08T03:31:57.022+00:00TIP 10: ... And a joyful new year! <span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #7772b2; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 16px;"><b><i>Wishing all my readers a joyful new year!</i></b></span><div _mce_style="color: #800000; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; margin-top: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px;" style="color: maroon; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">
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I'm sure many others have already wished you a joyful new year - so here's a short tip about making the most of our joy!<span style="color: #7772b2;"><b><i> </i></b></span>But in case 'joy' is not a word you often use, please feel free to find another one ...<br />
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<a name='more'></a></div>
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You might like to try this:</div>
<ul>
<li _mce_style="color: #800000;" style="color: maroon;"><span _mce_style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt; color: #800000;" style="color: maroon; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;"><i>Notice what you do that matters to you: </i></span><span _mce_style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; color: #800000;" style="color: maroon; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;">Such as going to parties, receiving presents ... anything will do, even things you may think small or self-centred. </span><span _mce_style="color: #800000; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 15px;" style="color: maroon; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 15px;"> </span></li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li _mce_style="color: #800000; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;" style="color: maroon; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;"><i>Look for the qualities this brings into your life:</i> They may be many and curious ...</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li _mce_style="color: #800000; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;" style="color: maroon; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;"><i>Take time to savour them! </i>(This is the most important bit ...)</li>
</ul>
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<b>Remember:</b></div>
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If any judgements pop up as you do this, look beneath the critical voices to find the essence of the judgement. </div>
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For example, try asking <i>why</i> something matters to you: </div>
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"Parties matter to me - because I'm greedy for attention!"</div>
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"Getting presents matters to me - because I'm insecure!"</div>
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<span _mce_style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It's amazing how easily we criticise ourselves. So if you spot a criticism coming your way, look for the 'good reason' behind it. It will tell you even </span><span _mce_style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>more </i></span><span _mce_style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">about what matters<span _mce_style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">: </span></span></div>
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Finding the 'good reason' behind a criticism:</div>
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"I'm greedy for attention!" - I want to feel valued and loved.<i>Enjoying fun and warm connections matters to me!</i></div>
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"I'm insecure!" - I want to know people like and value me.</div>
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<i>Love and care matter to me!</i></div>
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<b>Simple resolutions</b></div>
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You can make New Year resolutions in the same way. First, think of a quality which matters to you. Then decide what you could do about it. The most important thing is to feel and embody the quality. It may seem back-to-front to say so, but:<i> what you actually resolve is secondary.</i></div>
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For example:</div>
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<b>Enjoying fun and warm connections with others</b>: What can I do to increase these qualities, if only a fraction?</div>
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(Just bearing these qualities in mind more often might be enough!)</div>
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<b>Love and care</b>: What can I do to increase these qualities, if only a fraction? </div>
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(Perhaps an everyday, practical thing for yourself or another person: something easily doable, like smiling at that glum newsagent who sells me my morning paper, even though she never smiles back ... the choice is yours!)</div>
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<b>Remember:</b></div>
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You only need to increase the quality in your life by two or three percent to make a difference.</div>
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Whatever you may resolve this year, and whatever you do - may it bring you (and others) joy!<br />
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_________________<br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: black; font-size: small;"></span><br />
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<b>CAN YOU HELP?</b></div>
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If you enjoy these tips, why not tell a friend? I am publishing a book next year, and publishers like to know their authors have a wide network. I would be grateful for your support. </div>
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Your friends can sign up here: <a _mce_href="http://www.lifeatwork.co.uk/resources/resourcesCommBlog.html" _mce_style="color: #0000ff; text-decoration: none; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;" href="http://www.lifeatwork.co.uk/resources/resourcesCommBlog.html" linktype="1" style="color: rgb(0, 0, 255) !important; font-size: 10pt; text-decoration: none !important;" target="_blank" track="on">Life At Work: Communication Blog </a></div>
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Elizabeth English (Locana) – From Life at Workhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08514632336450423931noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7516826968322440651.post-82030710537372926882012-12-01T00:30:00.000+00:002013-02-08T03:36:56.638+00:00TIP 9: Listening - The perfect gift!<div style="color: #7772b2; font-size: 12pt;">
<b>Why is listening the perfect gift?</b></div>
<div style="color: black;">
How
do we feel if we're fully heard and understood? Relieved, perhaps! But
much more too. When somebody really listens to us, we feel it
viscerally; we sigh deeply, our whole body relaxes and responds; we feel
valued, affirmed, respected, confident, happy, empowered and ready to
move on, to take the next step. Being fully seen and heard brings
possibilities of change. Like all communication when it works well, it
naturally carries us forward.<br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a></div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="color: #7772b2; font-size: 12pt;">
<b>Who's it for?</b></div>
<div style="color: black;">
An
empathic listening space is suitable for people of ALL ages! I've yet to
meet anyone who isn't thankful when another person catches what they
say, or grasps their meaning. Even if being heard doesn't seem important
to us on a personal level, the moment we engage over something
practical, we need to be understood. And on a human level, we can all
benefit. With the warm, non-judgemental acceptance of true listening, we
are seen (or have the potential to be seen) in the clear light of
reality - not just as who we are, but, perhaps more importantly, for
who we want to be. We're given the freedom to be ourselves.</div>
<div style="color: maroon;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: black;">
<i>Note: If
there's nobody you want to give it to - you can listen to yourself! When
did you last have time to enjoy just being? It may be just the treat
you need ...</i></div>
<div style="color: maroon;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #7772b2; font-size: 12pt;">
<b>How much does it cost?</b></div>
<div style="color: black;">
Here's
the catch. It costs everything we have! When we listen fully, we listen
with the whole of ourselves. We put down our own agendas and concerns,
and immerse ourselves completely in the other person's world. True
listening, even for the briefest moment, is total. The other person
feels our full attention. We give our human presence, just as we are.</div>
<div style="color: maroon;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #7772b2; font-size: 12pt;">
<b>Can anyone give it?</b></div>
<div style="color: black;">
Listening
may be a special gift, but we do not need to be a special person to
listen. All that's required is our curiosity. We do not need to be wise,
or clever, or funny, or sorted, or calm, or good-looking or even have a
good memory. We spend time with the other person, just as we are. And
because we are present with them just as they are, we validate their
world of experience. We do so without trying too hard; without doing
anything 'special'. Now, they can stand on their ground more firmly;
they inhabit their world more freely. </div>
<div style="color: maroon;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #7772b2; font-size: 12pt;">
<b>Which size should I go for? </b></div>
<div style="color: black;">
Our
listening space is as large or small as we want to make it. What matters
is the quality of that space. But if you are short of space and time
this Christmas, remember: a little empathy goes a long way! We need only
pause for a moment to resonate with someone's words. Instead of dashing
onto the next thing, we take time out; it's a moment of sheer holiday
spent in someone else's landscape. We enter the dimension Being, not
Doing. Here, even a small interaction feels large. For the person we
listen to, it's as if we have all the time in the world to take them
in. </div>
<div style="color: maroon;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #7772b2; font-size: 12pt;">
<b>It's ecologically sound!</b></div>
<div style="color: black;">
If you're catering for vegetarians or eco-warriors, it's the perfect gift:</div>
<div style="color: black;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: black;">
It creates spontaneous warmth</div>
<ul style="color: maroon;">
<li style="color: black;">It raises energy levels naturally</li>
<li style="color: black;">It's never wasted, and fully recyclable (we can listen as often as we like to the same thing!)</li>
</ul>
<div style="color: #7772b2; font-size: 12pt;">
<b>No wrapping required!</b></div>
<div style="color: black;">
Listening
is best seen for what it is. The fewer layers the better. Our warm
interest in another person doesn't need pretty words to be appreciated.
Without frills and glitter, our listening can be direct and authentic. </div>
<div style="color: maroon;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #7772b2; font-size: 12pt;">
<b>Fully refundable</b></div>
<div style="color: black;">
If your
listening gift is not what's wanted - you can exchange it any time, for
words. Your words may be what your loved ones want, after all ... </div>
<div style="color: black;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #7772b2; font-size: 12pt;">
<b>True Christmas spirit!</b></div>
<div style="color: black;">
Listening never leaves anyone out - even ourselves. Although
listening seems to be about another person, at best, it'sjust as much
about us. When we pause to create a listening space for someone else, we
get a break from our busy Doing mode - and a chance to enjoy a
stress-free moment of pure Being. We listen for our own sake, as much as another's:</div>
<div style="color: black;">
<br /></div>
<div align="center" style="color: maroon; text-align: center;">
True listening enriches the listener </div>
<div align="center" style="color: maroon; text-align: center;">
as much as the speaker</div>
<div align="center" style="color: maroon; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: black;">
And the
benefits go beyond this. When we drop all expectations and wishes for
what another person 'should' be, or 'could' be, but see them just as
they are, something magical happens. We discover, and rediscover, the
timeless truth, that:</div>
<div style="color: maroon;">
<br /></div>
<div align="center" style="color: maroon; text-align: center;">
If you listen to someone fully, you can't help loving them</div>
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<b>Postscript: what's the aftercare?</b></div>
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Warning:
You may need to listen again! (Because the person enjoyed it so much
the first time! And I hope because you loved it too ....)</div>
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<i>Thank you for reading my bulletins and tips this year</i></div>
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<i>And for sending me your comments and suggestions. </i></div>
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<i>I look forward to seeing you all next year </i></div>
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<i>And in the meantime, </i></div>
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<i>I wish you all a very happy Christmas! </i></div>
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<i style="text-align: left;"> _____________________________<wbr></wbr>__________</i></div>
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<b>CAN YOU HELP?</b></div>
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If you enjoy these tips, why not tell a friend? I am publishing a book next year, and publishers like to know their authors have a wide network. I would be grateful for your support. </div>
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Your friends can sign up here: <a _mce_href="http://www.lifeatwork.co.uk/resources/resourcesCommBlog.html" _mce_style="color: #0000ff; text-decoration: none; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;" href="http://www.lifeatwork.co.uk/resources/resourcesCommBlog.html" linktype="1" style="color: rgb(0, 0, 255) !important; font-size: 10pt; text-decoration: none !important;" target="_blank" track="on">Life At Work: Communication Blog </a></div>
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Elizabeth English (Locana) – From Life at Workhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08514632336450423931noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7516826968322440651.post-91923968791556546692012-11-01T00:05:00.000+00:002013-02-08T03:42:21.808+00:00TIP 8: "What? Christmas in the shops already?" - How grumbling can change the world <div style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px;">
<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">Every year, around November, I have the same grumble: "Christmas displays <i>so soon?</i>" ... "Christmas carols <i>already?</i>" <br /> </span></div><br />
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">A small grumble maybe, and harmless enough. But when it's about other people, the effects can be more serious. 'Negative' thoughts and feelings creep into our communication. We use up valuable energy, replaying conversations in our heads, battling inwardly against the obstacles.</span></div><br />
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">Moaning, groaning, sneering and sniping - it's all too human! So is there anything we can do to make our complaints less burdensome for us, and more productive for others? </span></div><br />
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"><b>Where do grumbles come from?</b></span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">A grumble is a sure sign that I'm saying, <i>No!</i> If I sift to the bottom of my grumpy, disagreeable thoughts, and my uneasy, painful feelings, this is what I find. It's a baseline sense of <i>Not okay!</i> - or just plain, <i>Ouch!</i> </span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">Everything which follows, however cleverly or logically formulated, is an expression of this. It holds important information about something I am not wanting. </span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"><i>You might try this for yourself</i>. </span></div>
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<span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">Start by thinking of anything or anyone you do not like. Then: </span></div>
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<li style="color: #800d00; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; margin: 0px;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">Look for an underlying <i>No! Not alright!</i> even a vague <i>not wanting</i>, or <i>not liking</i></span></li>
<li style="color: #800d00; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; margin: 0px;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">Notice its visceral quality in your body - your 'gut' responses</span></li>
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<b>Treasuring our inner <i>No!</i></b></div>
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Often, our instinct is to dismiss this <i>No!</i> because it surfaces 'negatively' and interferes with a friendly flow. My moan about Christmas commercialism is unlikely to hurt anyone; but if I complained about (say) <i>you</i> - even to myself - then it would affect me. Either my irritation would slip out accidentally, or I would work hard to bury it, compensating maybe with an extra dose of forced niceness.</div>
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Yet the <i>No!</i> itself holds such energy. It's such a shame to lose it - like throwing out the proverbial baby with the bath water. </div>
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<i>Is there another way?</i></div>
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<b>Our inner world working well</b></div>
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<i>No!</i> is a sign that our inner our world is working well. We need these 'negative' messages, to tell us what's gone missing, or might do us harm. In this way, they are not 'negative' at all, but positively helpful. </div>
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<i>How can we catch the positive message? </i></div>
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The first step is to ask: </div>
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<li style="font-size: 11pt; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"> <span style="font-size: 11pt;"><i>WHERE</i> do you feel this <i>No!</i></span></li>
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<span style="color: black; font-size: 11pt;">If <i>No!</i> stays in our heads, it tends to pop out in sarky, judgemental comments; or we feel it physically as tension and stress. But if we touch base with a different place inside us, we can understand the real message behind the <i>No!</i> - one which does us good. </span></div>
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<b>Transforming <i>No!</i> - to <i>Yes! </i></b></div>
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At root, our <i>not wanting</i> clashes with something we care about;<i>something we do want</i>. This is not an intellectual, head-based understanding. It's to do with our values, qualities and needs as they live inside us.</div>
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<i>You might explore this</i>. </div>
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Bring to mind something which moves you warmly. Then:</div>
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<li style="font-size: 11pt;">Notice the range, intensity and subtlety of your feeling responses </li>
<li style="font-size: 11pt;">Sense what these tell you about your values, qualities and needs</li>
<li style="font-size: 11pt;">Ask yourself <i>where</i> or <i>how</i> you know them</li>
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<span style="font-size: 11pt;">For example, when I think about Christmas itself (as opposed to that pre-Christmas rush), I feel its specialness; it brings me a warm and fuzzy glow. Within those feelings lie valuable messages about things I </span><i style="font-size: 11pt;">do want</i><span style="font-size: 11pt;"> and </span><i style="font-size: 11pt;">do like</i><span style="font-size: 11pt;">: my values, human qualities and needs. For me, it's about closeness, the joy of giving, shared memories, belonging - love!</span></div>
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<i>And how do I know?</i> From an embodied feet-on-the-ground sense of myself. Viscerally, in the centre of my being, I 'know' this experience, in a way that is true for me; no one could contradict it. These are aspects of life that motivate and enliven me. They are about life at its best. If I give them space, and feel them clearly, they influence what I say and do. They point out a direction, and move me forward. </div>
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<b>Why grumble?</b></div>
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Now I have a good reason to grumble! Here's a new source of energy and motivation. </div>
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In my annual grumble about the Christmas rush, for example, I notice many sorts of <i>No!</i> A cocktail of feeling responses. I fear losing the specialness of Christmas amidst the commonplace of crowds and shopping. I feel pressured to spend my money in a dizzy haze, before I'm ready .... </div>
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<i>What has gone missing?</i> I want to keep Christmas special, to choose how, when and on whom I spend my money, and to do that with a sense of balance. This is what I <i>do want</i>. This is firm ground.</div>
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When I realise this, and absorb this perspective, my grumbling changes. It transforms into a clear determination to choose how and when I engage with Christmas. I feel in my body that something is different. I feel lighter, more energetic, as I begin to muse, "<i>How I can feel the joy of giving this year?</i>" I think of ways to keep it all in balance - people I love and like, people across the world in poorer circumstances ... Here's a very different flavour in my inner world. </div>
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We can apply this method to all our groans and grumbles. </div>
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<i>If you want to try:</i></div>
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Think of something which annoys you:</div>
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<span style="font-size: 11pt;">Turn towards your <i>No! </i></span></div>
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<li style="font-size: 11pt;">Sense the energy in your feeling responses - what you <i>don't want, don't like</i></li>
<li style="font-size: 11pt;">Explore what's gone missing for you - <i>qualities, values</i> or<i>needs</i> you care about</li>
<li style="font-size: 11pt;"><span style="font-size: 11pt;">Then ponder what you do </span><i style="font-size: 11pt;">want, value</i><span style="font-size: 11pt;"> or </span><i style="font-size: 11pt;">need</i></li>
<li style="font-size: 11pt;"><span style="font-size: 11pt;">Notice </span><i style="font-size: 11pt;">how and where</i><span style="font-size: 11pt;"> you know this inside you - feel the ground on which you stand, your truth ....</span></li>
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<b>Energy to change the world</b></div>
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Whether we voice a mild grumble, or we're gripped by frustration, anger or fear - the process is the same. We turn towards the <i>No!</i>and allow its deeper messages to unfurl. This unlocks our vital energy, because - the bigger our <i>No!</i> the more passion and power we find in our dynamic <i>Yes!</i> </div>
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This is the energy which changes the world.</div>
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Elizabeth English (Locana) – From Life at Workhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08514632336450423931noreply@blogger.com1