Wednesday 1 February 2012

Tip 4: Think (twice!) before you speak!


Tip:


There are always two perspectives (at least!) in a conversation.  So check in with your own perspective as you communicate-and take time to do the same for the other person. Communication suffers if we miss either one of them out. 

Remember:
It helps other people to know where you are coming from. They are less likely to leap to conclusions about your motives, and will feel more able to engage with you. So allow yourself space to know your own feelings, needs, wishes and intentions, as best you can. 

Doing this for yourself also gives you more resources to do the same for the other person. Once you have made room for your own perspective, it's easier to do that for others without feeling overwhelmed, cross or anxious yourself. Don't expect yourself to be telepathic, just pause a moment to remember, imagine or guess where that person may be in their inner world. They too have feelings and needs which are causing them to speak or act as they are.

Communication is like 'deep democracy'*. Even one person taking in both perspectives will make a difference to the situation overall.

Benefits:
  • We tune into the whole of a situation more quickly
  • Others respect us, and feel respected themselves
  • Conversations take less time and are more effective
  • Trust grows as people feel taken into account
  • We include ourselves realistically in the outcome 
  • We feel better knowing those around us are also okay
  • We solve difficulties and negotiate more smoothly
  
*Deep Democracy is a term coined by Arnold Mindell, and describes a process through which individuals and communities may have a voice on a collective level: 'It is a principle that makes space for the speakable, the barely speakable and the unspeakable.' See:http://www.deepdemocracymovement.net/ 

2 comments:

  1. This one, 'think (twice!) before you speak!', really struck a chord with me. It is so fundamental, yet we seem to fall down right there again and again. And I think it's important to add that it applies to written communication too, especially email where it is so easy to dash off a reply and press the send button before you've paused even for a second to consider; or maybe you have stopped to consider, but you haven't done the work of really listening properly for the feelings and needs on both sides. The speed of online communication is very seductive! Having been involved in some rather painful email exchanges in recent years, I promised myself quite a while ago that I would never do that again. I would never reply to an email which had triggered painful feelings, no matter how seemingly slight, until I had got to a place that felt different, a place of genuine openness towards the other person. I think what I mean here is the openness of heart associated with the 'shift' that can happen when we do this work with conviction and total commitment; and it can be a huge amount of work sometimes! But I think you'll agree that, even if we don't get it perfectly, it will have been well worth it.

    What I do in practice sometimes is to reply to the person saying I need some time to ponder on what they said and that I would get back to them later; that seems to work. Then I really take as much time as I need, coming back to the issues from time to time and from different angles, not putting any pressure on myself (no matter how impatient and frustrated I may get!), until something 'gives' and some inspiration comes that feels really genuine. Or sometimes I might write a reply but not send it. Then when I look at it a couple of days later, I can see exactly where I am still stuck - and how much damage it could have done had I sent it!

    In fact doing that, or even just listening to the replies I am formulating in my head (and they can tumble out at a rate of knots!), without throwing them at the other person, can be extremely revealing about what it is in myself that I need to work with. But I don't get to see this if I don't take the time to step back, and to look back at my own mind.

    So thankyou again, Locana, for everything I've learnt from you and for the brilliant work you are doing.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Dear Locana,

    I've been meaning to thank you for including me in this list. I have found many of the posts really useful - it is never-ending learning, isn't it!

    This one, 'think (twice!) before you speak!', really struck a chord with me. It is so fundamental, yet we seem to fall down right there again and again. And I think it's important to add that it applies to written communication too, especially email where it is so easy to dash off a reply and press the send button before you've paused even for a second to consider; or maybe you have stopped to consider, but you haven't done the work of really listening properly for the feelings and needs on both sides. The speed of online communication is very seductive! Having been involved in some rather painful email exchanges in recent years, I promised myself quite a while ago that I would never do that again. I would never reply to an email which had triggered painful feelings, no matter how seemingly slight, until I had got to a place that felt different, a place of genuine openness towards the other person. I think what I mean here is the openness of heart associated with the 'shift' that can happen when we do this work with conviction and total commitment; and it can be a huge amount of work sometimes! But I think you'll agree that, even if we don't get it perfectly, it will have been well worth it.

    What I do in practice sometimes is to reply to the person saying I need some time to ponder on what they said and that I would get back to them later; that seems to work. Then I really take as much time as I need, coming back to the issues from time to time and from different angles, not putting any pressure on myself (no matter how impatient and frustrated I may get!), until something 'gives' and some inspiration comes that feels really genuine. Or sometimes I might write a reply but not send it. Then when I look at it a couple of days later, I can see exactly where I am still stuck - and how much damage it could have done had I sent it!

    In fact doing that, or even just listening to the replies I am formulating in my head (and they can tumble out at a rate of knots!), without throwing them at the other person, can be extremely revealing about what it is in myself that I need to work with. But I don't get to see this if I don't take the time to step back, and to look back at my own mind.

    So thankyou again, Locana, for everything I've learnt from you and for the brilliant work you are doing.

    ReplyDelete