Life at Work

Tip 4: Think (twice!) before you speak!

2012-02-01T01:00:00.001Z

Tip:

There are always two perspectives (at least!) in a conversation. So check in with your own perspective as you communicate-and take time to do the same for the other person. Communication suffers if we miss either one of them out.

Remember:

It helps other people to know where you are coming from. They are less likely to leap to conclusions about your motives, and will feel more able to engage with you. So allow yourself space to know your own feelings, needs, wishes and intentions, as best you can.

Doing this for yourself also gives you more resources to do the same for the other person. Once you have made room for your own perspective, it's easier to do that for others without feeling overwhelmed, cross or anxious yourself. Don't expect yourself to be telepathic, just pause a moment to remember, imagine or guess where that person may be in their inner world. They too have feelings and needs which are causing them to speak or act as they are.

Communication is like 'deep democracy'*. Even one person taking in both perspectives will make a difference to the situation overall.

Benefits:

We tune into the whole of a situation more quickly
Others respect us, and feel respected themselves
Conversations take less time and are more effective
Trust grows as people feel taken into account
We include ourselves realistically in the outcome
We feel better knowing those around us are also okay
We solve difficulties and negotiate more smoothly

*Deep Democracy is a term coined by Arnold Mindell, and describes a process through which individuals and communities may have a voice on a collective level: 'It is a principle that makes space for the speakable, the barely speakable and the unspeakable.' See:http://www.deepdemocracymovement.net/

Q8: How to Keep your New Year's Resolution

2012-01-01T14:24:00.000Z

How to keep your New Year's resolution? The simple answer is: resolve to do something nice! Something you enjoy and value... then (in theory, at least) keeping your New Year's resolution should be easy!

But even when we enjoy things, it's not always easy to do them. Take doing exercise. "I feel so much better for it!” Or arriving places on time. “It’s so great not to rush!” Or whatever it is that we know we’ll enjoy, but don’t quite manage. Does knowing it’s good actually help us to do it?

How easy I find it to be wise in theory! So to cover the gap between what I want to happen, and what really happens, I make my resolutions.

Hope!

For New Year's resolutions bring an enticing sense of hope. With a resolution, we pay tribute to the ever-present possibility that we can grow, or change, or move forward in some new way. It's our chance for a fresh start.

But why a resolution? Couldn't we just set out an intention, make a wish, express a hope... what is it about resolutions that are so appealing?

A resolution brings something more. It presents a challenge. Can we pit our resolve against an aspect of ourselves that we find difficult - and win?! After all, it's really important to keep resolutions. Knowing we can rely on ourselves is no small feat. By making and keeping resolutions, vital inner resources grow: trust, reliability, faith in our own abilities and judgements.

Inner negotiation

But for all their appeal, it's no secret that resolutions can be difficult to keep. And no wonder. They are, in fact, quite complex agreements with ourselves - negotiations between a part of us that wants to do something, and a part of us that doesn't.

When we struggle to keep our resolutions, it's often because we get stuck between the part of us that 'knows best' (our inner teacher, counsellor, advisor or educator); and another part of us, which just does what it wants anyway.

For those among you who love their children's tales, it's a case of Badger and Toad.

Getting lost inside a negotiation

At one moment, we have a water-tight case for the resolution itself, backed up by a store of sage advice, self-admonishments and wise warnings, plus a firm conviction to do that particular thing. But later, we turn into someone quite different - someone doing the very thing our 'wiser self' disapproves! This 'me' can have a very different perspective; a very different set of wishes, wants and impulses.

When this happens, it means we've got lost inside the negotiation. At one moment, we identify and merge with those 'wise' voices (we become Badger). At another, we merge and identify with something else; perhaps a more spontaneous, go-with-the-flow, freedom-loving version of ourselves, which wants to bask in ease and comfort, or to live life to the full in every moment (now we're Toad).

It's not so easy to see this happening. Taking sides with one or other aspect is so common. We do this especially with our more articulate or conscious voices which want to guide us in positive and helpful directions. Why wouldn't we identify ourselves with those?

A widening split

When we get lost inside an inner negotiation, we introduce a split. It's a split between those bits of us that make the resolutions for lots of good reasons, and those bits which don't fall into line. When we take sides, we side-line the parts of us we don't like. We're often predisposed to see one part of us as 'right' and the other 'wrong'. This means we're setting an agenda before the negotiation even begins. Pre-determined outcomes are the anathema of true negotiation.

The split widens if we later break our resolutions. Then, we're likely to feel the wrath of our inner critics as we judge ourselves for failing to heed our own good advice; or we may feel cross and resentful with ourselves for imposing the resolution in the first place.

In this way, our inner worlds can feel quite harsh.

Inner mediation

Luckily, help is at hand. It's our own inner mediator, able to hear all the many-textured pulls and tugs we feel within us. Curiously, despite our various conflicting selves, our inner mediator can understand and empathise with all our different needs. As long as you are no longer taking sides, the very best person to understand you - is you!

And as with any mediation, there are needs on both sides of the inner table.

Some needs are easy to see. We probably want to improve thing; to increase our health, confidence, motivation, the wellbeing and happiness of those around us... Look at your own resolutions. What would they bring if you fulfilled them perfectly?

But before we set a course for improvement, our inner mediator needs more information. There are other needs present too. Whydon't we get to the gym? Why are we always late? These needs may be harder to discover. Yet in every action, there is something that we want, something it brings us - or we wouldn't do it.

So we need to find the good reasons we act as we do; to re-frame what's 'bad' in terms of real human needs. It's not about making excuses. The kindest approach is the most effective - to listen beyond self-judgement or criticism.

Natural kindness

To make a successful New Year's resolution, we need to keep all our needs in mind - to take account of them all. As we expand to encompass even those parts of ourselves we don't like, we begin to hear their voices, and to listen with warmth and understanding to their perspectives. This brings natural kindness.

That's when our New Year's resolutions bring more than we bargained for. Now, by simply making our New Year's resolution, we grow!

Q7: Family Calm at Christmas – Is it Possible?

2011-12-16T10:38:00.002Z

With an extra supplement especially for parents!

What makes for a happy Christmas? At a time when friends and family mean so much, our communication is no doubt an essential ingredient. Whether we’re at an office party or a family gathering, celebrations are not without their pressures. Like that glass of Christmas punch, our feelings may be hotter, spicier and more potent than usual. It’s no surprise when stresses bubble up and affect our interactions. In those tricky moments, what can we do to stay calm?

In our last blog, a reader asked about how to handle things in the heat of the moment, when we find ourselves ‘losing our rag’. In this article, we look at ways to support you in finding seasonal peace...

Heat-of-the-moment recipe for Seasonal Peace!

• Pause when you’re under stress

• Explore your feelings to find the underlying ‘No!’ or ‘Not alright!’

• Allow whatever feelings you have right now; they carry important messages

• Create space to find what has gone missing for you

• Explore your own needs and wishes – so your deeper resources can respond

Read on for more …

‘Losing our rag’

There are times when we deeply wish to be loving and kind, and yet something else happens. Despite our best intentions, something makes us lash out at our nearest and dearest. But why do we do this? What prompts our irritable comments, or those underhand, snide asides? And how can we avoid the bitter aftertaste of guilt or regret? There are pertinent questions at any time of year.

‘Feelings are Friends’

It’s easy to criticise ourselves for letting our emotions get the upper hand. But feelings (even ‘difficult’ ones) hold important information. They give us extraordinarily subtle and skilful feedback. They show us how we’re affected by what goes on around us. In complex, many-layered ways, feelings like irritation, frustration or anger express a baseline message: ‘No!’, ‘This is not okay!’, ‘This is not all right!’.

Taking note of this baseline response is helpful. If we stay caught up, stressed and entangled by our feelings, we miss their useful message. Feelings are there for a reason, and it’s always worth listening to them. So the first step is to see what the ‘No!’ is all about. Pause! Take time out from the immediate situation (even a couple of seconds, as you breathe deeply), and ask:

What are my feelings telling me?

What has gone missing for me right now?

What is it I need?

Old situations, new approaches

When we pause in this way, we do something revolutionary. We redirect our attention away from what has gone wrong ‘out there’, and back into our own responses. This allows our deeper resources to come to our aid.

‘Difficult’ feelings are telling us what we don’t want. But we also have an inbuilt sense of how far we are from feeling fine; somewhere within us, we know what fine would be like. If we pause and listen, we clear a space for this newer understanding to emerge. Our deeper resources hold what we need to live freely and happily this very moment.

“But losing my temper is so tempting!”

So why is it so much easier to lose our temper, than to pause? It’s because we want to get a vital message across – and we’re at our wits’ end how else to do it! ‘Difficult’ feelings are difficult for a reason. Like flashing lights on a dashboard, or fireworks at a party, they grab people’s attention. With uncanny precision, we target our sharp comments to land in the most sensitive places; we do very thing to provoke a reaction. Why? Because that’s how we get noticed!

The inner logic of feelings

It’s like this: If you prod me, I prod you back. In the heat of the moment, I want you to feel what I feel – the same degree of hurt or frustration that you have caused in me. So I invest my words with a visceral charge designed to make you feel. Feel what? I snap, carp, niggle – at whatever level of intensity, I try to make you feel bad. In the heat of the moment, anger is designed to hurt. And if I teach you this lesson now (perhaps if I scare you badly enough), then presumably you will not make the same mistake again!

Temper – the instant messaging service

We can see how getting angry with somebody is an embattled bid for empathy. It’s a desperate attempt teach someone the consequences of their actions. Strong words and flying tempers are a truly magnificent shortcut. They send two instant messages:

1. You discover how your words/behaviour feels for me!

2. You learn not to do it again!

But will communication of this sort work? Will the other person really hear our instant messages for what they are? Or will they feel hurt and angry in return?

And how about us? Our temper gives clear and important messages, letting others know we suffer. But delivering them in this way can affect us too. Hurting our nearest and dearest also hurts us. We are intimately linked; empathy is a natural, inbuilt part of our relationships. This is why we can feel so guilty later for making a sharp remark. If we could get our instant messages across with friendship or love, no doubt we would. But how?

Active kindness

When difficult feelings bubble up, the first step is to find someone who can understand – someone who can empathise. Empathy gives us the human understanding and love we need to deal with a difficult situation. Empathy brings harmony.

Yet tricky moments often happen because the very people who normally love and empathise with us are the ones causing us difficulties! In these moments, we need a different magic. It means finding empathy for ourselves.

So whatever challenges you face, leave room for yourself. Remember: strong feelings hold the key. Their message is to come home to yourself. Be kind towards your own experience, your own needs. Once you allow and accept the message of strong feelings, then your deeper resources will respond naturally – with empathy for yourself, and for others too.

Heat-of-the-moment recipe for Seasonal Peace!

• Pause when you’re under stress

• Explore your feelings to find the underlying ‘No!’ or ‘Not alright!’

• Allow whatever feelings you have right now; they carry important messages

• Create space to find what has gone missing for you

• Explore your own needs and wishes – so your deeper resources can respond

Christmas calm – Do we want perfection?

Being human is a learning curve, and perhaps arriving at perfection is not even be the point! Let’s relish the journey of our perfections and imperfections. Without the grit, no pearls...

(So if you want pearls for Christmas - here’s your chance!)

Extra supplement for parents

Is this relevant to parents?

For a busy parent, the very idea of inner resources may seem laughable. What about those very basic resources such as relaxation, free time, rest, sleep…? Never mind taking a creative pause – in the hurly-burly of childcare, it’s immediate solutions that are needed! Sorting out an upset may itself prove a miracle – let alone doing that calmly!

How Do Children Learn?

1. Handling Tricky Moments

“Children must learn!”

How can we have a peaceful life, where fun and play come happily, without upset?

What we do is to educate. Parents naturally teach. We want our children to behave sensibly; to treat others with consideration. If they don’t learn basic rules and behaviours, we fear for their happiness and safety. We want our kids to know where they stand. That’s why parents often feel that a cross outburst, or a flash of temper, is the best shortcut. Sometimes we shout ‘for the child’s own good’.

Read the full article on ourblog...

How Do Children Learn? - Handling Tricky Moments

2011-12-16T10:33:00.001Z

How Do Children Learn?

1. Handling Tricky Moments

There are so many things we want our kids to learn in order for them to be safe and happy; to grow up accepted, respected, loved and valued – with their best qualities shining. So when children are doing something naughty, crazy or silly – how can we best teach them?

In a group of related articles, I explore nonviolent, empathic approaches to childcare:

“Children must learn!”

How can we have a peaceful life, where fun and play come happily, without upset?

Yet temper comes more quickly when we focus on ‘right’ and ‘wrong’. We feel more justified shouting at what is ‘wrong’ – be it scratching, kicking, biting, seizing, screaming, painting on walls; you can make your own list...!

Curiously, emphasising what is wrong or bad (however strongly we may feel it as a parent) is not the best way to teach a child. Since the message that something is wrong often comes with a verbal and emotional charge, it’s very hard for a child (and most adults) to separate what they have done wrong from a sense that they are wrong or bad as a person.

So how can we teach children differently?

Parents have needs too

What do we mean when we say something is wrong? What we really mean is that our child has just provoked our own natural (often completely understandable and reasonable) response of No! Not alright! This instinctive, baseline response is our ‘instant messaging service’ telling us important needs are in jeopardy.

It can be hard for parents to accept that they have their own needs, because they come in so many shapes and sizes. Parents’ needs encompass the needs of the ‘naughty’ child (e.g. his health and safety, her future learning) and the needs of those around (e.g. other siblings). At the same time, parents are only human; they do have needs of their own. It’s important that they do. This is how a child learns that his or her behaviour affects other people:

Baby brothers need care!

Daddy is tired and needs rest!

If I scratch Mummy, she hurts!

A parent’s own needs are a crucial part of a child’s world. If parents are clear about their own needs (and the needs of others around), it enables their child to form his or her own, unique identity. In this way, our children learn that they are interactional beings, in a world of interrelation.

The best basis for change

If we want children to learn, we want them to do so because they have truly learned the effects of their actions. We don’t want anyone to ‘stop behaving badly’ for fear of being wrong – for fear of punishment. We want children to understand that other people have needs too.

So the most important thing we can teach our kids is how to meet their own needs in ways which also take other people’s needs into account. In other words, we want our children to learn the fundamental basis of all social interaction whatsoever: empathy.

Sadly, a great deal of parenting advice promotes the idea of kindly-delivered punishment as means of teaching and changing behaviour – for example, the Naughty Corner. I believe there are grave problems with these approaches. At worst, we end up teaching children to punish us!

I’ll written more this about in my coming blog-articles: How do Children Learn? Problems with kindly-meant punishment (Coming soon!)

For both children and adults, empathy happens naturally when we feel considered, respected and valued. When our own needs are acknowledged, we can easily understand other people’s needs. So if we want our children to learn empathy, the best way is to practice and exemplify empathy ourselves.

Empathy first!

So when the next tricky moment comes along, let’s pause, however briefly. Even the tiniest gap can help. Put aside for an instant how overwhelming or urgent it feels to resolve the difficulty, and remember that empathy is the best lesson the child can have.

Here are two golden rules:

Empathy before solutions:

Start with empathy for yourself. This is like fixing your own lifejacket, or putting on your own oxygen mask in a plane! If you are resourced and well, you can be that for others. So make room for your own difficult feelings; be kinder towards your own unwise words and actions. As you do, you’ll feel gentler and more human. Then you can respond without any edge of temper or upset that a child may hear as punishment. You become larger and more understanding. As your empathy grows, it will spill out and encompass everyone around.

Empathy before education:

Next, empathise with your child for his or her upsets. Leave teaching aside for a while, until both of you are calmer and happier. If you want your child to learn consideration, respect and kindness, the best teacher is you! First children must know that you welcome their troubles with kindness and understanding. Only then will they trust that your firmness and clear boundaries are a welcome support, full of love and care.

Family spirit

That’s when a happy family spirit can truly thrive in our homes. It’s not by being perfect or happy all the time – who can? – but by responding to what’s imperfect in new ways, with a spirit of kindness, empathy and love.

For more explorations of nonviolent, empathic approaches to childcare, watch out for my blog articles, coming soon!

Tip3: Prepare Yourself - Do one less thing for Christmas!

2011-12-01T01:00:00.002Z

Tip:

Preparations for Christmas can be frantic - there's always so much to do. But however busy you are, remember that above all your family and friends want you for Christmas! Your attention, your qualities, your presence, your unique self...

Remember:

Making perfect preparations is counter-productive if it's all about what needs to be done. That's when it's harder for us to feel our lovely human qualities in ourselves. And that's when other people feel them less too. So amidst all your busy preparations, include things which prepare you as a person.

How to prepare Yourself?

Here are a few of my suggestions - things I'd like to remember myself! I'm sure you've got your own ideas. Why not share them? (Just click 'Comments' below.)

Create time!

Pause between activities (creates a spacious atmosphere)
If you have a choice between two things, do what's easier!
Look at everything on your plate - then take one thing off!

Enjoy being!

Engage with things that nurture you!
Think of five wholesome activities that bring you ease and contentment - and do all five before Christmas!

Above all!

Remember the mince pies - but don't forget yourself!

Q6: Can Good Communication Save You Money? - Natural Negotiation

2011-11-01T08:00:00.000Z

I was running a course on empathy skills a few years back with a group of young doctors, when we were asked to vacate our room. So it was a cause for relief, and some celebration, when I managed to negotiate a larger room for us - including biscuits. And when it emerged later over coffee (and biscuits) that I was on the brink of leasing a gorgeous new car, something really caught the doctors' curiosity. Could there be a link between empathy and negotiation? Did my skills operate beyond biscuits - and if so, how far?

Beyond Biscuits

So when - by luck or judgement - I landed a rather splendid offer on the car deal, they naturally wanted to know more.

Last month, I found myself trading in that very car, and once again, I needed to stand my ground over money. This was hot on the heels of a different negotiation, this time with my bank, who had promised me an offer and then withdrawn it. Both were potentially awkward situations in which I might have been indignant, even outraged. Yet both interactions went smoothly; and I was left thinking of the young doctors and the empathy skills I had taught them.

It's a curious thing, even counter-intuitive, that empathy helps when we're 'standing up for our rights'. Even in the hard world of business and finance, when we have a clear sense of our own needs, it's empathy which really determines the direction the conversation takes. This forms the basis for a process I refer to in my courses as natural negotiation (Learn Negotiation).

The Human Factor

In the case of the car sales rep, he'd given me a price to conclude the lease agreement, but now his manager was adamant the sum was too low. I'd need to pay more, and that was that. But I believe in negotiation, so I phoned my original sales rep back. Naturally, he guessed there was trouble. Beneath his professionally friendly phone manner, he knew I wouldn't like what he had to tell me. It's hard for anyone to enjoy communication in those circumstances. Like most human beings, he felt bad saying 'no'.

Time with the other Person

So instead of arguing my case, I moved onto his ground.

'You're in a difficult position!' I offered, 'I don't envy you.'

'Too right!' he burst out, surprised perhaps that I wasn't yelling. And he went on to explain his first over-optimistic estimate and his manager's later revision.

Listening calmly, I could see the strength of his business argument (I really was getting a good deal at the lower price); and I could empathise with his professional position (silently, I wondered about his next performance review). Above all, he told me anxiously, he wanted his customers to be happy. That washis job satisfaction. I believed him, too. He was between a rock and a hard place. As I offered my simple empathic guesses, his relief was tangible.

The Jury is Out

I could empathise with him easily at that moment because I was confident of one important thing: I had not let go of my own needs. I had simply tucked them under my wing, out of sight, and given full reign to his. At this stage of the conversation, the jury was out. I truly didn't know if I would achieve the outcome I wanted, even though it was a significant one for me financially. Instead, my focus was on the friendly interaction that was emerging naturally as one person tried to understand another. No tricks, no games. Just understanding. And as I engaged in this way with the car salesman, another of my own key needs ignited, and slipped into gear: my wish for him to be okay too.

My 'Need for You'

When we are in good connection with folk around, we have a root human need to know that they are okay. So even if a conversation clashes with what we want for ourselves, a warm connection causes a shift in our intentions and motivations. We naturally begin to take in other people's needs and perspectives. In my case, I found myself sympathising with my car rep - the very guy who was trying to charge me more!

Stating My Agenda

Now it was easy to tell him my side. In this friendly atmosphere, he was happy to listen. I explained that I run my own business, and that I place a high value on keeping the agreements I make with my clients, even if that involves a mistake or a loss on my side. None of this was said to persuade. I was simply sharing my truth, my perspective.

So I was genuinely touched when he took up my cause, and went off to consult with his manager. As I was giving up my car completely, he had no motivation to retain me as a customer. It was sheer good will that was driving the negotiation. He came back enlivened and cheerful. His manager had agreed to the lower offer.

A Paradox

There's a paradox at the heart of communication. I have conversations which save me money, or bring me practical benefit. Yet (and here's the contradiction) the most satisfying feature is the interaction itself. That friendly connection with the car salesman; in the case of my bank (tiny individual takes on giant corporation!), the positive pride I felt as the bank manager really understood my values, and acted on them.

While our urban myths might propagate Mr Nasty as the best money-winner, I disagree. It isn't self-centred hard-headedness which really wins in negotiation. When empathy is present, negotiation happens naturally. That's another attitude altogether.

Q5: Bottling it up, or letting it out?

2011-10-01T09:00:00.000+01:00

Our reader this month asks about strong emotions.

Lesley writes: 'I have a question about managing a strong feeling that arises in response to something that someone does or says. ... In these situations, I usually end up saying nothing (because it would only be inflammatory) and then withdrawing feeling dissatisfied. Or, showing the other person just how furious I am. I imagine that the answer is to focus within, right? Empathise with the furious feeling. But this doesn't answer the question of wanting someone to hear the strength of feeling. Perhaps I am even wrong in wanting this?'

Dear Lesley,

It sounds to me as if you have the classic dilemma: do I bottle it up, or let it out?

Speaking out can be risky

I am sure you are right that speaking out can be a risky option, if there's a problem. When we feel any edge inside us - irritation, anger, stress, or we're just jarred or overtired - it's usual for this to affect our communication. At those moments, it's very hard not to speak without judgements or blame. What we say is likely to have a prickly undertone. However reasonable, calm or measured we believe ourselves to be, these underlying feelings are likely to come through.

Strong feelings contain a strong energy - often a 'No!' of some kind. This makes it hard for another person to hear. We may also fear opening our mouths because of the response we get back if we do. So it's often a rather wise part of us that counsels us to keep quiet at these moments.

Bottling it up is risky too!

But 'bottling it up' isn't a real solution either. Messages that are suppressed gain an energy and momentum of their own. If you're feeling furious, it may be precisely because you've bottled something up and it's now determined to find a way out. That's when we can find ourselves at the explosive stage, blurting things out at just the 'wrong' moment, or saying things in ways we don't really mean.

Having a voice

We all have a natural, human wish to be heard. If our needs are not met, we are likely to feel diminished in some way. We may find it extremely painful, and lose our sense of worth and value. So it's not 'wrong', Lesley. We need to know we can change things, if they aren't okay. This is what it means to be empowered. We genuinely need to have a voice.

A problem!

The big question is: if we have got to the furious stage, how do we let the other person know what's on our mind in a way which will leave them willing to listen? And be considerate of them, too?

There's a lot going on

Before we start, it can help to take stock. When conversations are tough, there are usually so many things we'd like to say. Things we feel are unfair or unmanageable; things we don't like about the other person or what they've done; things we don't like about ourselves. Where do we even begin? Sometimes our 'No!' energy clashes with our efforts to be nice or reasonable. As we saw last time, we may feel triggered, swamped or engulfed by the situation (See: Q4: What would you say to a 9/11 bomber? Extreme Communication)

A gentle pause

A good start is to pause. We stop to acknowledge how complex, difficult or unbearable the situation is for us. This gentle understanding can make a surprising difference. It's such a relief to realise how much is going on, and how impossible it can feel to say it.

Empathy brings change

This brings empathy into our fraught situation. Yes, Lesley - we might focus within, or chat it through with a friend. The extraordinary thing about empathy is that when it's present, it has a big impact. Curiously, it doesn't matter too much who the empathy is for. Empathy has a unique quality. It affects our understanding and our feelings. While it doesn't change the facts, empathy can radically change our response to them. We grow larger.

Finding our voice

So if you're in the thick of a difficult conversation, and feeling things strongly, here's something that you might do: try saying what's on the top of the pile. This works whether you say it to the other person, or silently to yourself.

Say what's on the top of the pile

Don't try to explain what the issue is (that's too hard!). Just describe what's happening right now. You might feel like one mass of confused feelings, thoughts, sensations and impulses. It doesn't matter. Just acknowledge this. In other words, you 'step outside' the conversation for a moment, and you comment 'on' it. You move away from 'content' (the issue or problem), and point instead to the 'process'.

Create a signpost

So we don't need to go headlong into a difficulty in order to tackle it. We can just stop and notice (and maybe express) what is most pressing or current. This creates a signpost which helps the other person see where we are now, and where it is we'd like to go with the conversation, if they are up for it.

Remember that when conversations flow smoothly, we do this naturally. For example:

I'm not sure how to tackle this, what do you think?
Err, I'm not sure what to say...
I didn't know that. I need a moment to think it over.
I notice I'm flagging - could we take a break?

In your case, Lesley, you might let the person know that you feel (whatever the issue is) very strongly; that you're struggling to say anything, because of all the emotions battling inside you. If it feels right, you can say how much you'd like to resolve this, to be in harmony, but that you aren't sure how to do that right now.

How this helps

Our gentle pause, our inner empathy and simple acknowledgement bring many benefits:

We are straightforward and honest about how we are - always a place of strength. Now we can take a deep breath and feel calmer. We feel more confident - even about what we don't know.

We are more able to stay with the dialogue if that is what we want; or to find some respite for ourselves outside it, if we prefer.

As we have more space for ourselves, we have more space for the other person. We begin to see that, if we're finding it tough, no doubt they are too.

This everyday wisdom can help us find a new way forward. Instead of the strong feelings dominating the conversation, there is a new dimension present. We now have a way to take both of us into account within the difficulty; and so to find fresh ways to a solution which works for us both.

Q4: What would you say to a 9/11 bomber? – Extreme Communication

2011-09-09T20:48:00.000+01:00

Have you ever wondered what you would say if you came face to face with a 9/11 bomber? As the tenth anniversary of the attacks on New York and Washington arrives, I find myself wondering: what would it be like to meet a person who instigated, planned, or even helped to carry out those attacks? And if I met them, what would I say?

Of course, many of those people are now dead themselves, so my question really is: how to handle extreme communication, whoever it is with?

This is not just an idle wondering. Extreme communication happens whenever we face a situation that is outside our normal frame of reference; that somehow feels bigger than we are.

So it's not just like meeting a 9/11 bomber. We all face moments when another person says or does something which goes beyond our limits. And while we cannot change tragedies in the past, or necessarily prevent them in the future, we can always influence the interactions we have here and now, in our own lives.

Face to Face – A Tall Order

For some people, even the idea of talking to a 9/11 bomber may be a tall order. It may be worth pausing to fully imagine it ... to really notice our reactions. Sometimes, our feelings seem to hinder, rather than help; to make matters worse. I often hear people naming their reactions as a sign of their own incompetence:

'I froze – I just couldn't say a thing!'

'I argued til I was blue in the face, it made no difference.'

'Nothing I said worked.'

'I went hot all over, and started to justify myself.'

'I just felt faint and wanted to run away.'

'I had an overpowering urge to punch him.'

But contrary to common belief, whatever our responses are, they hold important clues for the way we handle important or stressful situations.

The first step in handling extreme communication is to realise that:these responses are here for a reason – they are here to help.

Let's see how this is so.

1. Solving and resolving

At best, we find ourselves resourced and capable – it's certainly what we'd wish. At these moments, we know instinctively whether to listen to others, or to say what's bothering us. And if we do decide to speak our minds, we can often do it in such a way that the other person understands us; and if we're lucky, we may even convince them of our values – such as making compassion our basis for action. But the more extreme the situation, the harder it is to respond like this.

2. Nothing to say

Instead, just when there's something vital to say, words can escape us. When we finally have the chance to express the one thing that matters, it's as if we have nothing to say. We go blank, or freeze; or we back off with a sense that it's hopeless and there's no point.

How to move forward?

Extreme situations often feel overwhelming, at least to some part of us. It's as if our system doesn't know how to deal with their immensity. As they lie outside our usual range of experience, it's difficult to connect with them. They may seem unreal, or we may feel distant.

This is nature's way of applying the brakes. School and society have created an expectation that we know how to respond - now! We're asked to know what we think, or to know what we feel. If we don't, we fear looking daft or incompetent.

Yet our responses need time to form. Strong situations affect us in ways which are complex, contradictory and many-faceted. We need time to explore and discover the whole picture. Innately, we respond in ways which are true for us, and our most telling comment is one that comes directly from our core. If we reply too soon, we miss the chance to discover what that is.

3. Too much to say

Equally, there may be too much to say. How could we even begin to list the horrors of the 9/11 attacks, to express the scale of the tragedy? When something unspeakable happens, a myriad reasons come to mind to explain it, or to understand how it could have been avoided. The attempt to marshal our teaming thoughts can be overwhelming in itself, and faced with this internal pressure, if we don't find ourselves going blank, we may do the opposite.

So a torrent of words pours forth, issuing facts, examples, opinions and ever more authoritative arguments. But words, though powerful, rarely do justice to the force of our feelings. So we repeat ourselves, we become emphatic. Even when a small voice on our shoulder tells us that we'll never truly convince the other person, however cogent we are, still our rational, analytical arguments continue. If others refute us, we grow cleverer, sharper perhaps, and more cutting. This now creates more distance between us and the other person - so we must work even harder to uphold what is true and right for us.

How to move forward?

Tumbling thoughts and loquacious arguments are usually signs of deeply felt needs and values. These are rooted in our emotional intelligence, in our innate, fundamental responses to the circumstances before us.

But once again, societal conditioning interferes. It tells us we must make rational sense. So we quickly employ our rational intelligence in an attempt to give voice to what we know with our emotional selves. Through habit or misplaced confidence, our analytical minds take over. In these cases, rational argument hijacks the power of what we want to say. The real force of our argument lies elsewhere.

When we have strong messages to impart, we need to pause. Once again, it takes time to engage with what lies below the surface of our rational words - our feelings, needs and values. We can stop, breathe deeply, feel ourselves rooted and embodied. What we say is most potent (and most keenly heard) when the language of head and heart comes together.

4. Visceral feelings

Responses which seem to hamper communication most effectively are more instinctive and visceral still. The very thought of meeting (say) a 9/11 bomber might bring intense, difficult-to-describe bodily sensations. We may feel hot, confused, sick, faint, frozen; we want to flee, we want to fight – or a mixture of all these, and more. We may want to inflict hurt and pain on the other person, to overpower them in some way. These involuntary, gut responses can be so unsettling that communication of any kind becomes hard or impossible while we are in their grip.

How to move forward?

Our bodies usually know more about how we feel than we do. So it's particularly important to give room to visceral responses. It's easy to dismiss them as signs of weakness or failure. Yet they are usually describing, symbolising, or doing for us precisely what we need; perhaps providing much-needed distance, demonstrating distress, acknowledging understandable aversion or overwhelm. Our needs are not wrong; they are innate mechanisms for survival and well-being. If we prohibit them, we cut off our access to a well of wisdom; that is, to the most fundamental, instinctive, spontaneous and creative strategies we have for dealing with an extreme situation.

Even the wish to inflict hurt is another way of expressing our own needs. It's a way of showing just how much hurt or pain we are feeling. In the case of 9/11 we may feel it for ourselves, or on behalf of others. Either way, we contain the feeling within us. So the urge to harm or hurt is a clear message – 'Take THAT! THIS is EXACTLY how it feels within me.' The bigger the hurt, the more extreme the ways we express it. The bigger the feeling, the bigger the need.

Trusting our Responses

Our human systems are extraordinarily capable, complex and full of potential. Even though we seem to be in the grip of something that stops us communicating, our responses are actually doing something useful. Our system is taking the time it needs to adjust to an extreme situation. The very first step is to allow and make space for those responses, without judgement or criticism. Each response, whatever it is, has its own good reason for being there. If we can welcome the response, we may find a solution emerging from a deeper place within us. Then we can find a path or a bridge towards the extreme situation, where fresh and spontaneous communication can happen in just the way it needs.

Tip 2: Real listening is relaxing!

2011-09-01T11:59:00.002+01:00

Tip

Take time to pause and breathe deeply when you are listening. Let go of your ideas, thoughts, responses and agendas, and create a calm, attentive space for yourself and the other person.

Remember:

Even a few seconds of listening can reduce stress for the speaker and the listener. Listening is simply about being present. If you make a journey towards the other person (onto ‘their mountain’ – see the video clip!), you tune in to their perspectives. While you are listening, there’s no need to worry about your own agendas, or to prepare what you will say or do next. Letting go of your own thoughts and ideas as you listen actually gives you a break. Your calm attention then gives the speaker confidence, and also allows your resources to refresh, and to gather at their own pace into a creative and appropriate response.

Benefits:

- You feel more relaxed and resourceful

- The other person feels understood, valued and respected

- You choose more clearly whether to continue the conversation

- Your reply comes from a deeper, fresher and more centred place in you

- You can end a conversation more easily, with kindness and courtesy

Q3: What can the riots teach me about my communication?

2011-08-11T06:24:00.000+01:00

I was asked by Zhana, one of our readers, to comment on the riots this week, which inspired this posting. Zhana is herself an author and commentator, and a practitioner of Nonviolent Communication – and she posted a few more of my thoughts on her own blog: Transform Your Life: A Creative Response to the Riots.

In any difficult situation, it’s natural to take sides. On one hand there are those people who are causing the problem (‘them’), and on the other hand, the people who are suffering (‘us’).

This quickly leads us to think in terms of right and wrong. So, during the riots this week, we hear people condemning the rioters (people who have suffered or are fearful, people concerned for those involved); and we see the rioters condemning the people and institutions they riot against ('We're going to show the police!', said a masked and hooded youth from Manchester last night). Here, what’s called ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ depends on which side of the riot-shield you are standing.

Right and Wrong in communication

Whatever we believe about the rights and wrongs of a situation, a dialogue based upon who is right or wrong will never move forward. Talking in this way simply leads each side to become more entrenched in its own perspective. Conflict escalates as each side wants to prove who is more right, or more wrong, than the other.

Witnessing the tragic damage of riots this week, it’s easy to feel helpless. Yet we can make a difference. If we look carefully at our own communication, we may see the same seeds of conflict in our personal dialogues and relationships, as we see in society and nations at large. So we might reflect on how conflict affects us, and find fresh ways to repair or reduce its cost in our own lives.

Conflict check-list

Recall, perhaps, an interaction which has bothered you, or a person you find difficult. Then use this list to check whether conflict is taking root.

1. Have judgements or labels sprung up in your conversation (or in your thoughts)? This usually means we blame someone; and blame implies wrongness. We believe somebody is wrong, or at fault, in some way. The more strongly we feel this, the more we need empathy ourselves for what has hurt or damaged us.

2. Are you replaying or imagining conversations in your head, which justify or strengthen your position? This often means we feel attacked or undermined; it seems we have been ‘put in the wrong’, and need to defend ourselves.

3. What are your feelings telling you? Uncomfortable feelings – irritation, frustration, anger, dismissiveness – are signs we want to push something or someone away. This ‘No’-energy has important messages which need hearing; but is only part of the process.

4. Are you shutting something or someone out? This takes energy, and puts us into opposition. What we shut out also has its own energy, and like anything excluded, may simply grow louder and more belligerent in protest.

5. Do you have an underlying sense of ‘either-or’? In conflict, one person seems to get their way at another person’s expense; one person’s needs are met, but the other person’s needs are not.

6. Do you feel bad about yourself – is your Inner Critic unusually active? Our Inner Critic is especially vociferous when it fears for our own (or other’s) safety or well-being. So it’s easy to believe we are at fault. In communication, our safety lies in our good connections with others, which are damaged when we are in conflict.

If one or more of these are happening, the seeds of conflict are present. Happily, just knowing this is the first step to changing course.

Resolving conflict at root

One sure way towards harmony is to dissolve the language of right and wrong which in many subtle ways creeps into our communication.

Here’s a three-tiered approach:

* If you hear yourself making any sort of judgmental comment, take a moment to pause. See what lies beneath your comment, or below your difficult feelings. Look for the GOOD reasons which motivate your comment. Our deepest needs and values are ones which build our sense of inner strength and self-respect. (Here’s a list of human needs and values: Life At Work - Resources – Key Model 3.) Try to communicate your needs and values to the other person, rather than your judgements.

* See if you can imagine the other person’s underlying needs. Take time to explore. Once again, look for the GOOD reasons for their behaviour (see the list of needs and values, if you’re unsure.) The crucial thing is to distinguish what they do or say from their underlying needs and motivations as human beings. At root, all actions are attempts to support life and growth. Sadly, the behaviours people use may be distorted, harmful or unhelpful, squashing or denying other people’s needs in the process. See if you can relate to the other person’s needs and values, and express those in your communication, rather than your analysis or interpretation of what they are doing.

* Finally, widen your perspective of the situation as a whole. Remember that every situation contains more than one set of needs. The key to resolving a conflict is to accept and acknowledge that both your needs and theirs are part of the whole picture. Both are present. Eventually, we can understand that a wise solution holds and includes both sets of needs, and finds a way to work with them all.

Human magic

As we do this, a curious and magical thing happens. When we affirm our own needs deeply in ourselves, we are able to affirm other people’s needs also. As we make space for ourselves, so we begin to resonate with, and understand, other people. Needs are universal, and we respond to them naturally once the barriers to communication are removed. When harmony emerges, we no longer simply want our own needs to be met – we genuinely want to find ways for other people to be happy and well too. And they want this for us. Then we are on the way to resolving conflict, and establishing peace.

TIP 1: If you make a request, remember to check how it’s landed!

2011-08-01T21:11:00.000+01:00

Tip 

If you make a request, remember to check how it’s landed.

Remember 

The difference between a request and a demand is that, with a request, the other person has a choice in how to respond. Check you are leaving time for the other person to agree or disagree. See if you are open to hearing a different approach altogether. If so, then you can be sure you are making a real request.

Benefits

· The person you’re asking feels respected and considered
· You engage their willingness naturally
· You feel confident making the request, because you can cope with hearing a ‘no’.

2011-06-30T16:14:00.000+01:00

Q2: ‘Why don’t people listen to me, even though I listen to them?’

Highlights in brief:

The other person may not feel fully heard. Try checking your intention: are you wanting something back as you listen? This may prevent the other person feeling you have really understood
We sometimes bring a framework into our listening of it’s-either-you-or-me, which makes it harder for both of us to trust each other
You have needs of your own to meet–and you may need to build your own resources first. A calm inner confidence that your points are valid and valuable will help you re-connect, and build trust that other person can listen

Read our full reply below and enter your thoughts on our interactive blog.

Susan S writes:

‘Here’s a situation I often find myself in. I say something that’s important to me and the other person misinterprets it. They get upset and so I work hard on my communication and they feed back that they feel heard and understood. I’m relieved, but I don’t feel satisfied that my original point has been heard and responded to. I feel it would be too much now to try to make it again. The consequence of my giving up at this point is a loss of connection from my side – but a part of me would rather do this than go back over the whole thing again.’

Dear Susan,

It sounds as if you’re doing your best to regain a good connection with the person you’re talking with. Even though that person hasn’t understood you in the way you’d like, you’ve been prepared to take the initiative and look for ways to engage. This is no mean feat! You’ve also started looking at what’s going on for you. It’s good to stop and give yourself credit for what you have achieved.

And yet you don’t feel at ease. You know you’re not fully in connection with the other person, because if you were, it would be easy for you to tell them your side. There’s a reciprocal trust that emerges naturally from being in a good connection, and when that’s in place, people are happy to listen to each other. And so far, it seems that this is still missing.

Checking our intention

So perhaps it’s worth looking at your intentions as you talk with that person. This is what underlies how you listen as you enter into a dialogue. It carries a curious paradox.

Although we instinctively know that a good connection will build mutuality and trust, we need to listen without wanting any particular outcome. For connection to really re-establish, our listening and understanding has to be open-ended, and freely given. It’s very easy for us to listen as a subtle strategy to gain airspace and understanding for ourselves. Deep down, we want to have ‘our turn’ after they have had theirs. Sometimes when we listen, we are already preparing our own replies in our head, maybe even arming ourselves with reasons to disagree. If so, our attention is not fully with the other person, and inside ourselves we have moved back to our own ground (our ‘own mountain’), even though we are outwardly trying to listen.

Because we often want things to be fair, we may also have an entrenched idea that, ‘if I meet your needs, then you’ll meet mine’. That is, that if we listen to them, then they just ought to listen back!

If we have these attitudes, even slightly, then we carry our own agenda into the listening, and we’re likely to suffer. That’s because we’re still working within a dualistic framework: it’s-either-you-or-me. This deep attitude carries a seed of conflict at its core, and it’s tiring and dispiriting to keep going within it. So no wonder you feel like giving up! And no wonder you sense that there’ll be more conflict if you go back there. But there is hope.

Building our resources for listening

Magically, when we listen with real openness, the either-or framework begins to dissolve. Then, communication and connection becomes easier and more straight forward. But what if we’re not ready to listen openly? What if we’re still determined to have our say, or upset because we can’t find a voice?

This means we still have unmet needs of our own to process. Perhaps it’s a need for understanding, recognition or respect. We probably want people to know that our points are valid and valuable. We would like others to acknowledge them at least, even if they don’t fully agree. How can we find a way to do this?

Our needs are met most fully when they are met in and by ourselves. That is, with our own attention, empathy and understanding. To do this, we may need to spend time allowing space for those parts of us that need acknowledgement, that may be feeling cross or anxious or ruffled about the direction of the conversation. The surprising thing is: we don’t have to to this with the actual person we want to hear our points. We can do it just inside ourselves, or by chatting it over with a friend who can really empathise and understand us. This allows our ruffled parts to settle, and gradually we build our resources and resilience.

Alternatively, if we already in mid-flow in a conversation, we can acknowledge our inner attitudes as they pop up in us, mentally ‘tucking them under our wing’. We might silently reassure ourself that we will come back to them later – perhaps later in the conversation itself. This makes us much more resourceful as a listener, because we’re able to include whatever is present in the conversation, whether it’s ‘yours’ or ‘mine’. Until our own needs are being cared for in this way, it is hard for us to fully hear another person, or for them to hear us.

Beyond either-or

So full listening moves beyond the either-or paradigm into a place where we can simply understand what the other person is saying, without any other agenda (such as them understanding us back).

We can tell when we are doing this, because we find we really do see their point of view. We see it on their terms, from their own perspective. We can truly get, ‘So that’s what you mean!’ – ‘So that’s what you want!’ And for now, we don’t need to answer back. We realise this is just how it is.

Once real understanding is present, it seems to affect everyone positively – you included! In fully welcoming in the other person’s perspectives, it becomes easier to trust that our perspective is welcome also.

Then new directions will open up. You may find that what you want to say in reply changes. Perhaps you won’t mind so much whether they hear your points or not. Or if you still want to share them (and you’ll have much more choice about that), then the whole atmosphere will have shifted. You won’t need to fear that what you say will be hotly rejected (or if it is, you can meet that resourcefully too). At this point, you’ll naturally speak with calm and confidence – and it’s likely that the other person will be happy and willing to hear you.

Q 1: A Question of Trust

2011-04-26T12:58:00.000+01:00

‘Someone I trust has questioned whether they trust me…’

A Reader asks about trust. Read below for our full reply, and add your own thoughts.

Highlights in brief:

Trust is based on an experience, or on a belief, that another person is keeping our interests at heart, and that they won’t act in a way that would harm us. This understanding grows out of the sort of connection we have with them

If someone then doubts that we can be trusted, it means that something has happened to change their experience or their view of us. They no longer trust our intentions (or even our ability) to speak and act in a way which takes them into account

If our intentions have not changed towards that person, we are may feel very disturbed by this – that we’re not seen in our true light, for who we really are. Being understood for what we intend is a key human need

Anger (as in your case) usually tells us about our own unmet needs, and is worth listening to

Consider how to move forward (which of the Three Choices would most help – see below)

Once we find the best approach for us, our feelings and perspectives shift, and we are more resourceful in dealing with the situation

Read on for more…

‘Someone I trust has questioned whether they trust me…’

Shiwayo writes: ‘Someone I trusted and I thought trusted me has acted in a way which I think illustrates a lack of trust in me. It’s left me feeling angry because I believe my integrity has been questioned...'

Dear Shiwayo,

Trust is a big area, as you know – so I'm not surprised you've been feeling this keenly. Trust emerges from our natural sense of connection with others. And as we are always connected (interconnected on many levels), trust is based on reality – on how things really are. So if trust is damaged, broken or questioned, it's no small thing. We're likely to feel it deeply, on the level of who we actually are – on a level of identify and meaning. This is why it can be so painful if our trust is questioned, or if trust is broken.

Trust grows from our connection with another person because it's based on our sense that this person will think and act in a way that does not harm us, indeed, that they keep our best interests at heart. When we know this, we trust them.

In the situation you describe, you have trusted in the person you mention – so your own connection with them has been strong and safe. Now they have acted in a way that seems to suggest that they do not trust you in return. This means they may doubt you have their best interests at heart. They may believe that you think judgemental thoughts about them, or even that you could act in a way which could harm them. So don’t be surprised if your responses are strong ones: this may feel like a shock, or leave you angry, hurt or lessened in some way.

Knowing our intentions are seen and understood

There’s almost nothing more painful than having our intentions misunderstood or misread. This is because our intentions are at the heart of our identity – who we aim to be, essentially, in ourselves. In your case, you know that you would never want to cause harm for this person. So when they lose trust in you in this way, I am sure you have a strong sense of ‘No!’ Everything in you probably wants to jump up and tell them that is not the case. Especially given the good connection you have felt with them in the past, this is not how you would ever act. This is not the sort of person you are!

Anger is a strong ‘No’!

So your anger is a healthy expression of your ‘No!’ At root, your anger is probably saying something like, ‘This is NOT true!‘ It’s worth listening to your anger to hear its underlying message, because anger always holds the stirrings of new life. It’s a gateway (albeit sometimes a thorny one) into being a new sort of person. When the anger is fully felt in you, then it can integrate and change into a different sort of energy – such as resilience and understanding. As you pay it mindful attention, you can see how it transforms in you, in your own case.

Your unmet needs in the situation

It’s likely your anger is telling you about your own unmet needs:

Your needs-for-you: Your need to be understood and appreciated – in this case, for your intentions. You want the other person to know that you have never wished them any harm, and that you would not consciously do anything to cause that (for them or for others, come to that). In addition, you may want to be valued as someone who can be trusted, because (human error aside) you believe your actions will be congruent with your intentions.

Your needs-for-others: We cannot feel a good connection with another person without also wanting that person to be okay. So your ‘No!’ anger is linked to a ‘Yes!’ – to that part of you which really does want positive connection with others. It says ‘Yes!’ to other people being well and okay. The wisdom of this lies in knowing that the wellbeing of others is integral to your own wellbeing.

How to move forward?

It may be worth revisiting the three choices before you:

1. To focus within

2. To express your feelings

3. To receive the other person with understanding and empathy

I suggest you take a while to find out which of these choices feels right for you in this moment.

Focusing within

If you are still angry, my guess is that you have background thoughts which are telling you, ‘This person is wrong!’ ... Wrong to think like this, or to do that. In this case, I recommend focusing within in order to settle your own needs for understanding and appreciation. As you say yourself, it is about your own sense of integrity – who you are as a person.

We’ll look in more detail at focusing within in another tip.